Sex. Sex on a first meeting can be really hot, passionate, sexy and hormone filled, even though research shows that sex is more enjoyable when in a long-term relationship. As Dr Sue Johnson discusses in this article of the 3 types of sex.
When we first meet someone, and both parties are attracted to each other the sparks and hormones can drive us wild to try and jump into the other person’s pants/knickers/undies.
There’s a reason for this – babies!
Our old animal instincts still kick in – that we must procreate. Only now in 2017 more people want to find that one special person to spend their lives with, rather than to simply have sex just to keep the human race from going extinct!
Now I understand that not all of you are looking for that long term relationship and maybe you are just looking for a bit of fun. There is nothing wrong with this! This article though is for those of you looking for a more serious relationship that you want to last.
Here are my 7 reasons as to why as a Relationship Coach and as a happily married wife I believe not having sex on a first date is key to finding that special, long-term relationship:
1. Get to know her with your head, not with your manhood
When you are on a first date, this time is key in getting to know each other. That means finding out what the other person’s interests are to see how compatible you both really are. This time should be spent getting to know THEM and not focusing on how to get into their underwear!
You can still spice things up here too. If you have the confidence and you think you can get away with it on the first date without getting a slap to the face – gently enquire about what gets her going. Don’t be too direct and reveal your ‘inner horny teenager’, play it cool but on the side of flirty. Trust me, this will help you no end when the time does come to go to the next base.
If you don’t spend time getting to know them and find out what makes them tick and they you, you can blow it all very quickly or even worse, find you are wasting valuable time on the person who just isn’t right for you. Get to know them, not their bodies!
2. Relationships built on foundations of sex crumble when the sex dries up
Real love and a committed relationship takes time to establish and time spent together doing things more than just having sex builds strong roots for a long lasting relationship. Time spent together is what helps forms an attachment. If you have sex on the first date you are creating an expectation that sex is going to be a large part of any ongoing relationship with this person.
While this sounds great, it can mean that sex actually becomes an unhealthily large part of your relationship. I all too often come across couples who have broken up because they realise 3-6 months down the line that they actually have nothing in common outside the bedroom!
3. One-night stands are the death of a potential relationship
If you are on a mission to get laid on your first date you are putting out a very bright warning light which flashes “one-night stand, one-night stand, one-night stand”.
You may ‘get lucky’ and go back to hers but you have now revealed a lot of cards VERY early on. There is no longer any real ‘chase’ left. There has been no build-up of anticipation, excitement or lust. This chase can be a huge amount of fun! Use it to your advance.
It is also often much sexier for a woman when a person knows how to control themselves rather than putting it out on a plate! Make her work for you. Don’t be a dick but make it a game. I’m not talking about playing mind games with her, but just keep her on her toes a little.
If you do have sex on the first date you have just put yourself into the bucket of one-night stand – until you prove otherwise and see her again. Now you honestly may not be wanting this to turn out to be one-night stand but you sure as hell have just played the typical one-night stand card!
It is also much harder to make meeting this person the next time round not just about sex.
4. Don’t be lazy – lazy is not sexy
It’s easy to have sex, it’s instinct. To build love, to make a commitment to really care about someone, their welfare takes time. To put up with someone else’s baggage, and grow with them and help them through it. To argue and fight and then make up and learn from each other and grow together. That’s what building a strong relationship is. So, you see sex on a first date is like giving in to junk food when you want to lose weight.
Show you are willing to invest in her, by you guessed it, getting to know her first. Diving in is just lazy.
5. Sex is a drug
Sex is addictive. When you get that initial high met by having sex, you can easily find you want it again and again. You see, when we do something that triggers our reward centre in our brain, we are flooded with dopamine, which is a drug that can fool us into thinking that what we are doing is the right thing.
This girl you keep meeting then becomes your addiction, and you need to see her to ‘get your fix’.
This addiction is based on the sex with this person and not on them as a person. As your addiction to them is purely sexual it is easy for your mind to start to wander to trying to get your next fix from somewhere else more exciting. This can easily spiral into a repetitive series of sexual partners not based on anything but fulfilling your addictive needs.
If it’s a long-term loving committed relationship that you want, you can see how this habit might begin to affect things. Much like I said before, this is like eating junk food when trying to lose weight. The Instantaneous reward we get in our brain when the pleasure centres are activated means we are more likely to become addicted to some things and not others. We are pleasure seeking beings and when dopamine and serotonin are triggered in a short sharp burst we want more and more when it wears off.
In this article the researchers found that the same parts of the brain activated when people addicted to sex watched porn as that of drugs addicts when they saw drugs. Whenever our pleasure centres are activated by anything outside of ourselves, we need to be very careful.
While I don’t believe addiction of any kind is healthy for anyone, if you are going to become addicted to them, become addicted to them as a person, not as a sexual object!
6. Sex is a communication tool – So make sure you are communicating right
When you have sex on a first date you are at risk of making the foundations of the relationship all about sex. When sex becomes the basis of your communication you may find it harder to cope and get through conflicts productively. A relationship is built on trust and secure attachment, you know that when someone waits to have sex with you, it’s because they want to have a relationship with YOU and not just your body. When you are 90, and sorry chaps, you are likely to struggle to get certain parts of your body to work, so you are going to need more to your relationship than just sex!
7. Not just an old ball and chain, you might actually live longer
When we have sex we release hormones that make us fall in love. You can see how that can be tricky for someone if you realise the day after that you feel differently from each other. It can also create that very unsuccessful scenario called lust. Lust really is the thing that can kill it, because suddenly you are not seeing things clearly. A bit like you are wearing rose tinted glasses. You are being guided by your chemical reaction, which is a biological design to make you procreate! When you take a step back, slow things down and take your time by getting to know the person, you can work out if this is someone that you want to spend more or a lifetime with.
If you do want to have a long, loving and committed relationship then you of course will want to give yourself the best possible chance there is. Why would you leave something so wonderful and in my opinion sacred to chance? People live longer happier lives when they have someone that they love and trust to count on – learn more here.
I know lots of people will joke about the old ball and chain and how their other half ‘does their head in’ but we are designed to be in loving and caring relationships. Much like how the penguin pairs up and stays together forever, if they can do it, surely we can too?