A Phone Sex Girl’s Guide to … Making a Cracking Good Omelette!

how to make a cracking good omlette

Let’s assume that you have met a girl and are in that strange, unknown territory that unfolds once you actually move beyond a one-night stand. Like most guys, you will now probably start to panic: how long is it going to be before she realises that a one-night stand is, really, all you’ve got? You have just enough conversation, witty repartee and cool bedroom moves to get you through one night, but after that … help! You don’t have the time to read all those books you bought in order to look well-read; and as for movies, well if it isn’t in the Marvel or DC universe why bother? So, if you want to impress a girl you are going to have to do something completely unexpected, something so gosh-darn-crazy-it-might-just-work. You, my friend, must learn how to cook.

Okay calm down, and listen up. In case you hadn’t noticed, food is extremely important to us girls. It has been scientifically proven that most women, when forced to choose between nooky and gnocchi, will plump for the pasta at least sixty percent of the time. This is great news if you’re a chef. Look at Jamie Oliver – he’s got 5 kids already and is planning his next, so what does that tell you? (It tells me that his wife Jools is extremely partial to the frosting on his beater, if you get my drift.) So where does that leave you, Mr. Kitchen Klutz? Do you relate more to a mug o’ beer than Maggie Beer? Well don’t freak out, because I have one word to say to you: Eggs.

Eggs.

These fragile ovoids were invented for guys like you. They’re quick, versatile and practically idiot-proof. Short of a serious egg allergy, there isn’t a woman alive who won’t be charmed by you making her eggs in the morning, as opposed to fertilizing them. Now, just in case you think your problems are ova – sorry, over – I’m going to put you on the spot. If you think you are going to impress her with two googy-eggs and a plate of toast soldiers for dipping, think again: this will only make her believe you are a pathetic loser with mummy issues.

What’s that? You think you’ll just fry a couple of eggs and some bacon and serve them on toast? Sure – go ahead; if you want her to think that you clearly believe she’s the kind of lard-arse that has bacon and eggs for breakfast. Hope you have a photo to remember her by, cos she’s outta there.

Cheer up! I’m here to help, remember? Listen: nothing is guaranteed to make you look studlier in her eyes than whipping up a cracking good omelette. You might think an omelette is a bit ambitious for a man with zero cooking skills, but that’s the great thing about them: they look really difficult and impressive, but they’re actually really easy. They also create the (obviously, and laughably, false) impression that a soufflé might not be out of your range. All you have to do is follow my Omelette Masterclass and you’ll be dipping your little soldier into her runny yolk before you know it!

1. Make sure your equipment is hard, thick and slippery

Oh grow up: I’m talking about your frypan. This is one thing you definitely can’t skimp on; you need a really good quality non-stick pan to make an omelette. I’m not in the business of giving cookware endorsements (although if you’re reading, Monsieur Le Creuset et Mademoiselle Scanpan, I’m highly corruptible and open to offers) but generally speaking, with pans – as with escorts – you get what you pay for. And in both cases, a thicker bottom is best. As for size, I recommend a 9 inch pan to make a single-serve omelette. Funnily enough, if my callers are anything to go by, 9 inches is the average penis length in Australia, so you should have no trouble picking the right size pan out of a display. If in doubt, just hold the pan up against your crotch. (I’ll never forget one caller who told me that his dick was 9 inches long, but “if I really like the girl, it’s 10!” I was very tempted to tell him that I’m a 36” D-cup, but if I really like you, I’m a DD!)

Oh: one final word about the pan. It’s very important that you only use your omelette pan for making omelettes. If you use it to fry onions, steak, sausages or any other kind of manfood you will eventually ruin the surface and your omelettes will not slide out perfectly, every time. To answer your questions: Yes, this does mean that your kitchen will have TWO pans; and No, this does not mean you are gay.

2. Get cracking

how to make a perfect omlette 2

1. Crack two eggs into a mug.

2. Remove all the bits of shell you have clumsily added to the mug as well. Use a spoon, numb nuts.

3. Stir the eggs up with a fork until the yolks and whites are well mixed.

4. You need to add a bit of milk now. An easy way to measure the right amount is to pour the milk into an eggshell half. Assuming you haven’t completely destroyed all the eggshells in steps 1 and 2, add two half eggshells of milk to your mug and stir it in. Otherwise, add 2 tablespoons.

5. Exclusive top-secret Sophie tip: shake in a little onion powder – it gives the eggs a great flavour but she’ll never be able to pinpoint exactly why your omelette tastes so amazing. Don’t tell her – you’re an irresistible Man of Mystery now.

3. Butter her up

What’s that in your hand? Is that a can of spray oil? Don’t ‘But Sophie’ me! Put it away, you vandal! Right now! That shit will destroy the non-stick surface of your pan, and it won’t do anything for the taste of your omelette. What you need is a good-sized knob. Oh for God’s sake: OF BUTTER! It needs to be solid so leave it in the fridge until you’re ready to go. First, put your pan on the stovetop and heat it up a bit. While you’re at it, switch on the grill in your oven. (The oven is that thing below the hot plates; you know, with the window in the door? See the manual if you are confused.) Next, grab your knob and spear it on the end of a dinner knife, making sure the blade is well covered. (Tip: I’m talking about the butter again.)

Now use your makeshift lubricant dispenser to carefully smear the butter over the base of the pan. It will melt as you smear, so keep the butter moving to ensure a good, even coating, and take it up around the sides a bit as well. Careful with that knife, you don’t want to scratch the pan.

4. Push and tilt

Once the butter sizzles, turn down the heat to medium and pour in your egg mixture. Swirl the pan to spread the egg and wait a minute or two until it just starts to set. Now, this is where you really come into your own as a Master Omelette Maker. Use a non-metal implement such as a wooden spoon or silicon spatula to push the set egg on the edge of your omelette towards the middle, and at the same time tilt the pan so the runny mixture on top fills in the space. Keep doing this at different spots around the edge until there is no more runny egg.

5. Do I smell cheese?

No self-respecting omelette is complete without a generous filling of oozy, melted tasty moo goo. Save yourself some trouble and buy the grated stuff and keep it in the freezer. (Tip: the same place you keep your vodka.) Sprinkle a fistful of cheese all over the omelette (more if you have small hands – hello, Mr. President!) making sure it goes right to the edges. You’re doing so well, there’s only one more step to go before you transport your lady love to gastronomic heaven.

6. Make her swell and melt

Here’s another Sophie exclusive – God I’m good to you guys! You’re going to place your pan under the hot grill. This is an easy but important finishing touch that most people don’t know about, and it’s going to do two magical things. Firstly, it’s going to melt the cheese and turn it all golden and glorious. Then, it’s going to make your omelette puff up with pride until it’s as full and swollen as you will – hopefully – be, once your lady friend shows her appreciation of your efforts. Now, before you put the pan in the oven, give it a gentle shake to ensure the omelette is completely unstuck. If you notice it sticking anywhere (bad boy – did you not lube up properly?) use your spatula to loosen it. We want that omelette to slide out of the pan as easily as your donger out of a used condom. Okay, under the grill. (Tip: don’t be alarmed – you won’t actually be able to shut the oven door. Resist the urge to saw off the handle of the frypan to allow door closure.)

As soon as the cheese starts to go golden it’s time to plate this baby up. Tilt the pan slightly so the omelette starts to slide out and onto your plate. When it’s halfway out, tilt the pan more, using it to fold the omelette in half on itself. (I should point out that this step might take a bit of practice. Don’t let the first time you try this be with your lady friend in attendance: failure will result in omelette detritus covering all available surfaces, swearing, hurling of kitchen utensils, and passionate cries of ‘Bloody Sophie!’ None of these things will make you look good, and will only elicit the comment from your lady: “Who the fuck is Sophie?”)

But if we assume that all goes well, you will have served up a delicious and unexpected breakfast treat for your – suitably impressed – lady companion. And if it goes very well, she will undoubtedly fall to her knees in gratitude. (Heh heh!)

About the author Sophie Reed

With nearly ten years experience as a phone sex operator. Sophie estimates she has exchanged intimate confessions with over 10,000 red-blooded Aussie men. If that doesn't qualify her to write about sex, dating, and relationships ... well, at least she's got a lot more dinner party anecdotes than the average guest.