Most women are attracted to outgoing men; however, this doesn’t mean shy guys don’t have a chance. A large number of men, and women, identify with introversion in some way. In fact, Psychology Today states that nearly 40% of American adults claim to be shy. This statistic, in itself, proves that shy people are more common than we think. So when you’re feeling insecure, remember, you are not alone and your social qualms are not unusual, which is is all the more reason to get out there. If you don’t pick her up, the next shy guy will!
There are ways to turn your shyness into an aura of mystery that women find irresistible. There are tactics to make you feel and appear more confident, which are proven effective through social psychology.
So don’t get your tongue tied in a knot! We’re here to help, unlike your last girlfriend who thought intimidation was the only way to make you less “anti-social.” We don’t want to change you. We just want to make the most out of what you’ve got. Play down your insecurities and play up your hidden strengths.
The Answer is YES
Let me begin by answering the question. Yes, girls do like shy guys. They might not like to admit it, or even know that it’s true. But even girls who are usually attracted to sociable men can be swooned by the mystique of an introvert… You just have to play your cards right.
Here’s my personal proof. When I was a junior in college, my friend Kara was throwing a party and invited this guy, Todd, whom she thought I’d hit it off with. He was tall, blonde and energetic. He walked in making a big commotion, picking up all the girls as he hugged them and insisting that the other guys help him drink his thirty rack.
As an outgoing girl myself, I was instantly attracted to him.
Behind Todd was Jason. Jason was Todd’s good friend from high school, yet they were complete opposites. Jason was quiet, shorter than Todd and had dark, long hair that draped over his forehead. I hardly even noticed him until later when he asked me if I wanted another drink.
At this point Todd had been talking my ear off, in a clear effort to impress me. I had lost interest, as he interrupted everyone to talk about himself. My attention was instead drawn to Jason, who smiled politely at his horrible stories and looked at me almost apologetically.
When he asked about my drink, I followed him eagerly to the kitchen. We talked for a while. As time passed, Jason became more and more comfortable to the point where he was sitting with his feet propped up on the kitchen table, laughing at my corny jokes and asking me more about myself.
I gave Jason my number that night, not Todd.
Unfortunately, not every shy guy has an obnoxious sidekick to emphasize his own quiet charm. However, Jason did six important things all by himself that attracted me. Shy guys, take note.
1. He made eye contact.
As opposed to Todd who looked through me, Jason practically melted me with his eyes. Girls like to be looked at. It makes them feel pretty and special, as long as it’s done in moderation. Weird guys stare. Attractive guys gaze.
How to get a girl’s attention without saying a word
First, you have to catch her eye. Once you make eye contact, hold it for a few short seconds. Smile softly and then look away. After a few moments, glance at her again. If she looks back at you within the first few moments, she might be interested. Take note of her facial expression. If she seems to be freaked out or annoyed in any way, abort mission. If she’s smiling, or raising her eyebrows curiously, acknowledge her. Smile again and give her a tiny nod.
If she responds well, you may have just met someone without even speaking.
2. He reacted.
Although Jason wasn’t talking much, he stayed engaged in the conversation that Todd basically controlled by laughing, nodding or shaking his head. Later while we talked, he proved to be a great listener with the same social cues.
3. His posture provoked confidence.
Even when Jason wasn’t saying anything, his body language was. He didn’t hunch over. He pulled up a chair instead of taking a cramped seat on the couch. He leaned back and exposed his chest. It didn’t even matter that he lacked the same muscle tone Todd had.
There’s Scientific Proof That Strong Postures Reap Positive Results
Social psychologist, Amy Cuddy analyzes the behavior of high power people or, in this case, an outgoing guy like Todd, versus low power people, a shy guy like Jason. She emphasizes the importance of body language and its correlation to success. Her tips are not only useful for nailing a job interview, but also for picking up girls. The simple key to this effective tactic lies in your posture. She has found that “power posing,” or standing with confidence even when you don’t feel confident, can affect testosterone and cortisol levels in the brain.
We’re talking hormones here. Testosterone is the dominance hormone and cortisol is the hormone associated with stress. Testosterone is found in larger quantities in highly confident people, while cortisol is found in smaller amounts in these same individuals.
4. He was a thinker.
Thinkers are sexy and not knowing what you’re thinking about can really turn a girl on. We like the mystery. Unlike guys who are too busy yakking away, shy guys take time to reflect.
Use your nervous silence for reflection. Not only will it help you understand your insecurities, you will become a more mindful and self-aware man, which is a rare find these days.
5. He was observant.
Before Jason asked me about my empty cup, I heard him ask Kara about where she was in the photos on her wall and was genuinely interested in her answers.
Shy guys can use their quiet tendencies to pick up on things talkative guys might overlook. Notice something about her outfit, or her hair, or the way she bites her lip when she’s nervous. These tiny observations will impress a woman way more than Todd’s bragging athleticism.
6. He asked original questions.
During our twenty-five minute conversation in the kitchen, Jason and I covered about ten different topics ranging between my obsession with cinnamon sugar pita chips and all the different pets we had as children.
Girls like guys who are attentive and interested in what they have to say; that’s why they typically go for more social personalities.
So, if talking to a girl makes you nervous, direct the attention onto her. Ask questions. They could be as complex as, “What’s your biggest goal in life right now?” or as simple as, “Do you have any pets?” These questions will not only help you get to know her, but also give you time to get comfortable.
10 Questions to Ask a Girl You Just Met
- What’s your favorite type of drink? (This is for a bar setting.)
- Do you come here often?
If she says “no,” ask her what brought her in today/tonight.
If she says “yes,” ask her what she likes about the place.
- Where would you rather be right now?
- Are you from around here?
- What’s the farthest you’ve ever traveled?
- What do you do for work? What would you rather do for work?
- What’s the greatest thing you’ve ever done?
- Who is the last interesting person you’ve met?
- What (else) do you do on the weekends?
- Have you ever … (done an activity you personally enjoy)?
The key to incorporating these questions into a conversation is to not force them. You want to sound interested, not random or creepy. Feel out the situation and let things flow when they begin to.
Channel a high power person
You want to come across as a high power person, especially in the realm of dating. High power people are different from categorically low power people based on their appearance, their attitude, and even their physiology.
Powerful people tend to be more assertive, more confident, and more optimistic. They are more likely to think abstractly and take risks. They even look differently than low power people, as they tend to use more profound postures and take up more space. So even if Jason didn’t feel like a high power person, he looked like one, and I noticed.
Take a moment to think about your own body language. How are you sitting right now? How do you walk into a room? Do you hunch over? Or touch your neck? Do you cross your arms? Or hide your chest? These are all indicators of insecurity and if they haven’t helped you get a girl yet, they never will.
Women are typically attracted to the alpha male, men who have a dominant air about them, an undeniable confidence that doesn’t scream cocky. If these high power characteristics don’t come naturally for you, don’t worry; faking it can be just as effective on girls as the real thing.
Fake it till you make it
Amy Cuddy believes that body language not only changes how others view you; it affects how you view yourself. The more you act like a confident person, the more you’ll feel like one. The mind imitates the body, just as the body imitates the mind. “Power poses” will not only boost your testosterone levels, they’ll make you look more approachable. Once girls see you this way, they’ll begin approaching you, which will in turn make you feel more approachable because, guess what, you are!