27 Dating Experts Reveal The #1 Mistake Men Make That Absolutely Kills Their Success With Women

And how to avoid it
Relationships and the whole dating game in general are no easy tasks for men. Let's face it: most of the time we have no idea what we're doing...

Well, that's why we asked 27 dating and relationship experts for their advice. Our mission is to identify the worst mistakes men make when it comes to attracting and keeping a woman.

Asking too many questions

The biggest mistake would definitely be that men approach women and they go into '50 questions mode'.

They are nervous, and their brains aren't working well, so rather than having a conversation where you ask a question, relate to the answer and maybe add some interesting points of your own, they barrel through the questions.

This gets very boring and awkward very quickly. Remember, ALWAYS take time to discuss answers women give you, and share your own answers to those questions.

Kezia Noble

Looking for things in common

Many guys doubt their chances and ability to create an impactful interaction with a woman, because they have convinced themselves that they wont have anything in common with her, and guess what? They probably don’t have anything in common! But since when has sharing commonalities been the linchpin or the deciding factor in attraction?  Men should stop limiting themselves by obsessively searching for commonalities and instead, focus more on making connections with her.

Why do I mean by connecting with her? It means getting past her exterior presentation. The face, attitude and whitewashed version of her opinions and beliefs that she presents to strangers or people she doesn't trust or know well. A man should look beyond that and extract her authentic self with humour, bold questions, provocative statements, playful challenges and evocative responses.

I haven never heard a woman say that she slept with a guy because he shared similar interests with her, or that she fell in love with a man because he liked the same TV shows she watched. Even the political ideologies that you hold don’t have to be consistent with hers, so my advice is to really push the boat out with this one and stop bending your own reality in accordance with hers. She will respect you for it more too.

Cheyenne Bostock

Not knowing what a woman’s needs are

The #1 mistake men make that kills their success with women is not taking the time to get to know what a woman’s needs are. As a Life & Relationship Coach, I find myself listening to what many women feel is the downfall of what could’ve, should’ve and would’ve been, but ultimately wasn’t simply because he failed to deliver on something she more than likely communicated was important to her.

A prime example of this would be:

1) Scheduling date nights.
2) Being creative on holidays and special occasions.
3) Being a more romantic and caring partner.
4) Listening and being more attentive.  

The #1 cause of divorce is “boredom”. What that means is simply, she’s tired of the same old same old. A woman wants to feel valued, loved, celebrated and appreciated. The beauty is that none of these things cost any money, all it takes is some creativity. A woman will be more likely to stay in a relationship or continue to date a man who puts forth great effort than one who puts forth no effort at all.

Stephany Alexander

Coming on too strong and too fast

The #1 mistake men do that kills their success with women is coming on too strong and too fast.

There is something to be said for old fashioned courting and getting to know a woman by taking your time. This shows respect and the best intentions.  In this high-speed world we live in with speed dating apps such as Tinder, we can go through dates and people almost as fast as changing our clothes.

Cultivating a relationship takes time. Sharing experiences and conversations are the building blocks that can lead to a lasting, long-term relationship.

James Preece

Not making your intentions clear

You’ve probably heard that if you want a woman to be interested in you, you shouldn’t be too keen or available.  After all, you want her to think you have a busy life and aren’t reliant on her for your own happiness. While this is indeed great advice, many men completely FAIL to do this successfully by trying to play things too cool.  If she doesn’t respond for a day, they’ll wait two days before they reply to her.  If she can’t do this weekend, then they’ll leave it another week before they meet again.

The problem with doing this is that it completely confuses the woman.  She has absolutely no idea if you are interested or not and has no clue where she stands. So she’ll start to play harder to get, just to protect herself from getting hurt.  After a very short time she’ll be so sick of this that you’ll get relegated to the Friends Zone.

If you want to succeed with women then you absolutely need to treat them with respect and make your intentions known early on.  If you like her – tell her, flirt with her and make her feel like the most important person in your life. There’s no time for playing games.

Suzie the Single Dating Diva

Lacking confidence

The primary mistake men make that kills their success with women is a lack of confidence. Women want a man with self-assurance and charisma. When a man shows low self-esteem a woman can smell it a mile away and she keeps walking. What are some ways men show a lack of confidence? They don’t make eye contact, they have closed nervous body language, they are passive, not action oriented and they have a fear of making any moves to show interest. What men who lack confidence need to do is to elevate their sense of self-worth.

Firstly, you need to know your worth, what you have to offer of value to a partner. Essentially, know what makes you stand out from the crowd and what makes you different than all the other guys out there. You need to be able to market yourself in a competitive environment. Additionally, enhancing your physical appearance by dressing nice and having good grooming helps a lot, because when you look good you feel good and automatically exude a sense of confidence.

Also important is effective body language - things such as eye contact, smiling, sitting and standing tall make a world of difference.

Finally, using clear, decisive, action-oriented language when speaking demonstrates a confident attitude to women. Gaining confidence is all up to you and choosing confidence will make you more successful with women … try it and see!

Chris Manak

Looking for things in common

Many guys doubt their chances and ability to create an impactful interaction with a woman, because they have convinced themselves that they wont have anything in common with her, and guess what? They probably don’t have anything in common! But since when has sharing commonalities been the linchpin or the deciding factor in attraction?  Men should stop limiting themselves by obsessively searching for commonalities and instead, focus more on making connections with her.

Why do I mean by connecting with her? It means getting past her exterior presentation. The face, attitude and whitewashed version of her opinions and beliefs that she presents to strangers or people she doesn't trust or know well.

A man should look beyond that and extract her authentic self with humour, bold questions, provocative statements, playful challenges and evocative responses. I haven never heard a woman say that she slept with a guy because he shared similar interests with her, or that she fell in love with a man because he liked the same TV shows she watched. Even the political ideologies that you hold don’t have to be consistent with hers, so my advice is to really push the boat out with this one and stop bending your own reality in accordance with hers. She will respect you for it more too.

David Wygant

Not knowing what they truly want from a partner

So many men are chasing the story. They are chasing the women that they find most attractive or what they think is most attractive. But, in reality, they haven't done anything that will work. So they don't even really know what they really, truly want and desire from a partner.

So they meet this woman. She's hot. She's sexy. And they do everything they can to not make a mistake, to get her and have her as a girlfriend, and that's the number one mistake men make because what happens is the women shows up exactly who she is. The man is basically being the representative.
When he finally finds out that the woman doesn't match the outside, he's deep in the relationship things don't change.

Spend some time, instead of chasing the vision, create a vision of what you want. So when the outside vision comes, you can look deep under the hood and see if it is exactly what you want. If it's not a , it's called having abundance when it comes down to women. The more abundant you are, the greater chance of meeting somebody .

Dr. Karin Anderson

Lacking confidence

Women are drawn to confident men—period.

So if you struggle with your self-esteem you’ll likely turn off women by appearing too wimpy or even too cocky (if you ratchet up the bravado in order to compensate for your insecurities.) Here’s the reality—self-confidence is an inside job.

Don’t make the mistake of looking for a woman to help boost your ego because 1) no one can “give” you self-esteem and 2) it’s not fair to ask that of her—after all, she desires a man, not a project! Work independently (or with a therapist, life coach, and self-help books) to feel good about yourself so your confidence will emanate naturally and effortlessly. Bonus tip: Make sure the women you pursue also possess a high regard for themselves. You want an emotionally stable adult as your partner, not a damsel in distress!

Patrick Ananda

Trying to make everyone comfortable

I’ve seen a lot of mistakes men make in my time coaching. But I’ve seen even more that I’ve made myself. And if I were pressed into a corner and forced to answer with just one mistake… One mistake that absolutely murders your chance with women…

Then it would have to be this: Stop Trying To Make Everyone Comfortable!

Now before you brush this off as just another ‘no more mister nice guy’ type of advice, I assure, it runs deeper than that. What I’m really talking about is our deeply ingrained inclination to not polarize. Want me to describe most men I see (including myself when I’m being unconscious) in just one word? Neutral.

Any guy can learn to be funny, and interesting, and charming. He can learn to say just the right things, and dress well and get in shape… And yet few women go to sleep at night fantasizing about him. Why? Because most men nowadays are afraid of polarizing! We are afraid of literally SHOVING someone off the wall and FORCING them to make a decision about liking us or not. How to fix this problem? Simple: Always go with what causes the most emotion.

Think back at when you see a beautiful woman. I mean a truly beautiful woman - you feel her in your body! But you try to act cool and swave so you roll up and say “Oh hey, you seem… interesting”. I’m sure you just made her wet with that… You and the 30 other guys who said the exact same thing.
Instead, how about you act on how you actually feel. Walk up and blurt out “holy crap you look stunningly beautiful and I can’t take my eyes off you!” while looking deep in her eyes. Now we’re talking!

Stop asking women to ‘hang out’ or ‘get together sometime’. “Thursday at 8, cancel your plans, I’m taking you out. It’s a date”.

Dr. Karen Finn

Forgetting that women want a partner who will woo them

It’s way too easy to fall into the trap of believing that once you’ve got a woman that she’s yours. But think a moment about what it took to get her. You had to woo her, impress her, treat her with love and affection. And it’s exactly this type of behavior that she wants and deserves to continue to receive from you.

Once you find a woman you want to have a relationship with, winning her heart requires you to let her know how important she is to you and the only way to do that is to continue to shower her with love and affection. Because once you do that for her, she’ll happily do that for you too.

This might sound like a lot of work, but the truth is that relationships take work. Unless you’re willing to consistently put in the work, you’ll either have a revolving door of encounters with women or an unhappy relationship. You deserve more than that.

Rachel Russo

Not making her feel special

In a dating culture in which there are more options for single men than ever, men are repeatedly making the mistake of taking no one option seriously enough. They are not making the women that they date feel special, because they are failing to see their value.

Many men today are of the grass-is-greener-somewhere-else mentality. They give up after first dates if they don't feel fireworks or reject women after a couple more dates because of silly reasons. They just aren't putting in the type of effort with women that their fathers and grandfathers did. They think when they are ready to settle down, the perfect woman will be there for them. But they really should pay better attention to how they are treating women in the present moment if they want good karma and a happy relationship in the future.

Kyle Benson

Not making their intentions clear

The #1 mistake men do, that kills their success with women is being indirect about what they want.

Often times I see guys “vague out” and send indirect text messages such as “Hope you’ve had a good day!” praying she responds and says, “I am. I’d love to see you tonight, you free?” The problem is no women can read your mind.

  In a typical dating scenario, the man has to take the lead, and the best way to take the lead is to be direct. For instance, one guy I know went and said this to a gorgeous woman in a coffee shop, “Excuse me, I think you’re attractive, are you single by chance?” Instead of talking about the rainy weather or how great the coffee taste, he was vulnerable and asked for what he wanted.

It takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable and direct about what you want, because you’re more likely to get rejected by people who can’t meet your standards. Being direct also leads you to avoid the common dating rules that attract emotionally unavailable partners.  While this may decrease your dating pool options, it leads you to attracting a partner who is vulnerable and willing to create the type of relationship you want. Asking for what you want isn’t needy, it’s sexy.

Dr Erica Goodstone

Focusing too much either on her or their own needs

Men are often extremists.  Some men focus too much on pleasing the woman, not taking a stand, not taking charge, and not making firm decisions.  In bed, a woman might think this would be wonderful but it often leads to him asking too many questions, not taking pleasure in being with his partner and not being fully present with her.  He can be too concerned with pleasing her at the expense of providing excitement and increasing sexual energy.

Other men focus too much on satisfying their own needs at the expense of the woman’s needs, ignoring her requests, demands or desires.  At first, his self-centeredness can appear to be intense attraction to her because he may shower her with attention, affection, even gifts.  But if he modus operandi is to seek his own satisfaction, over time she will begin to feel neglected, ignored, angry, upset and decreased sexual interest and desire.

Rebecca Rosenblat

Not paying enough attention to her

Self-esteem is sexy, as is a charming guy, making the combination oh-so-appealing.  But if the guy doesn’t take an interest in a woman by asking her about herself, he can come across as narcissistic; even though he may just be trying his best to impress her – something a lot of guys feel pressured to do, if they’re to seal the deal.  

That being the case, you’re better off getting to know her first.  Evolutionary speaking, if a woman senses a guy’s interest at myriad levels, she’s likely to feel that he’s someone who’ll stick around, should they make babies together; which in turn makes her feel more aroused.  We have two eyes, two ears, and one mouth – use that ratio to pay more attention to listening versus just talking, and she’ll melt in your presence because you’ll stand out!

Hunt Ethridge

Incorrectly setting their goals

 A goal is something that is out of reach of the moment, something you are looking up at.  If you put “women” as your goal, you’re unconsciously putting women on a pedestal above you.  If she looks down at you, is this the guy she wants to be with?  No, she’s too busy looking up at another guy. 

The goal is to turn yourself into the type of person that is so fun and interesting that it draws people to you.  This works the same when guys go out.  If you go out and say to yourself, “I’m going to get three phone numbers tonight,” and you don’t achieve that, how does that make you feel?  Like crap.  Phone numbers, dates and taking a girl home are all side effects of the goal, not the goal itself.  If you go out with a goal to, “have fun, grab a few drinks and talk to some people,” that can be much more easily achieved.  Then, when you accomplish that goal, you feel happy and want to try and reach more goals.  Also, if you go out with the goal to get women, your energy is all off.  Women can sense it. 

You may come across as desperate or needy or even single-minded bull-headedness. Instead, just try and strike up conversations with people with that being your only goal.  If you do that well, then the women you meet will want to continue spending time with you and you’ve realized that but changing the goal, you got the desired outcome that you had always wanted!

Not listening to her

Sometimes when we get excited about a new potential love-interest, we want to win someone over so bad that we oversell ourselves and forget to ask questions about the other person.

Of course it's important to highlight your personality and put your strengths on display, but it's just as important to listen to your crush so you can learn about them.

Letting someone share about themselves shows then that you are interested. If you are the only one doing the talking, it could be interpreted as you having a huge ego or even a lack of interest in the person you're trying to win over.

So stay present and remember to make a conscious effort to share things about yourself while also asking questions to get to know that new potential love-interest. The odds are in your favor if the conversations on early dates are more of a give and take in the get-to-know-you process.

Mark Zolo

Forgetting the fundamentals of being a man

The number one mistake men make is try to walk before they can run. They learn tricks, routines, and fain confidence without addressing the fundamentals.

What are the fundamentals?

Take your hand and slide it down your pants. You feel that? They're called balls. That means you're a man. And men should be masculine. Masculinity is the magnetic to femininity. Think yin and yang.
Men should be strong. Hit the gym. Stop eating crap.
Men should be independent. Take control your life and your finances.  
Men should be wise. Read books, learn languages, and travel wide.
With these fundamentals, confidence and women become a by-product. I'm not saying you shouldn't work on your game in the meantime - you absolutely should - but realize that game is only the polish.

Sure, some women will just see the shine and go for it, but quality women look for a sturdy base.
Interestingly, when get the fundamentals down, you'll also release that women are just another aspect of a well-balanced life, not the be all and end all.

Behaving like a player

For me when a man is too rehearsed or too smooth alarm bells ring. It reeks of player. In today's dating world of text games and power plays what really stands out is when a guy is themself, without any games or the typical and oh so predictable three days to reply to texts. When I meet a guy who doesn't play any games and seems genuinely interested in getting to know me, that's when I give him a chance.

It doesn't matter if he seems nervous at first (most woman both know and understand this is natural) or if he doesn't have a high flying job (beware of any ladies this does matter to) what counts is that he is genuine. And trust me when I say genuine guys stand out, big time. Indeed the very essence of any genuine, loving and healthy relationship is honesty - honesty in who you are, honesty in what you're about and even down to what you do and don't like. It's natural to want to emphasize similarities and minimize differences when you first meet someone, but by being authentic, you will attract woman who value the core you, which is what true and lasting intimacy is all about."

My picture is attached, please do let me know when the article is released and provide me with a link as I would love to advertise it on my blog.

Thank you again and please do let me know if you have any other collaboration opportunities.

Angel Donovan

Not being truly themselves

It used to be that men didn’t have any knowledge about what attracts women, what turns them off and so on. But over the last 15 years dating advice for men has become a lot more accessible. So most men have learned some of the basic principles.

Today, the mistake that I see most often is that men try to be someone they are not. They work against themselves and their nature.They follow generic advice on meeting and attracting women. Often this magnifies their weaknesses, rather than leveraging their strengths. It makes everything harder.For instance, a guy may hate bars and clubs because he's introverted. But he's read or learned from his friends that bars and clubs is where you meet the best women. So he just goes week in, week out, to bars and clubs.

He sucks at it. The loud noise. The many people. The social anxiety magnified. It’s not an easy step for an introvert to meet women in these places. He’s not happy. Doesn’t enjoy it. And he fails at it. It’s not playing to his strengths.

It’s playing to his weaknesses. It makes success with women much harder to achieve (and more painful and frustrating). The shortest route to success is understanding who you are. What makes you happy. What your strengths are. Then you work with, not against, yourself to quickly become successful with women. Plus, you actually enjoy the journey and the lifestyle you create.

Leslie Ziemba

Being to needy and desperate

I've dated a lot over the last 8 years, following my divorce and I've also worked with hundreds of men to heal from past relationships, gain confidence in dating in the 21st-century and learn how to date authentically.

There's a way to be authentic while not being a stage 5 clinger.

1. Women love to be wanted and pursued but learning a healthy balance is key. If you're the guy who is just started dating someone new and you are texting the "lovey-dovey countdown" to when you see them, for example "Only two more days till I see you." "Just three more hours and I get to see your pretty face."

Or maybe just sending lots of texts or calling a lot because you are so excited. Maybe you try to pin her down for dates 3 weeks in advance but this leaves no intrigue and you come off as needy or desperate.

Some girls might be just as clingy and open to this but in my experience slow and steady wins the race. Keep yourself busy with your own activities. Enjoy the unknown and love life, even if you are solo on a Saturday night."

Rachel Pokorney

Turning off their feelings

 It's understandable why this happens. Men are often socialized from a young age to suppress or not pay attention to their emotions. Young boys are often told to "suck it up" when they fall down. With enough of these experiences, they may quickly learn that how you feel is not as important as what you do. However, women are often socialized very differently. Little girls recevied soothing when they trip and hurt themselves. With enough of these experiences, they may quickly learn that it is OK to have feelings because we can cope with and communicate about them. These differences between men and women can become problematic if a man is especially out of touch with his emotions and trying to become closer with a woman.

In order for men to succeed with women, they may have to do some re-programming from what society has taught them and how they may have been raised. They will need to be able to, or at least learn to, connect with and communicate about their feelings. It can be hard to do this, however. Sometimes they may need to seek help from a professional, in which case therapy can be helpful.

Sandy Weiner

Pushing for sex too soon

The biggest mistake men make that kills their success with women is to push for sex too soon . If they’re dating online, men often send a first message that goes something like this: “Hey, sexy!” Do they think women will be flattered? Sorry guys. Most women find the ‘hey, sexy’ type of first message to be annoying and presumptuous. Also objectifying.

The way to a woman’s heart is through her…heart. Not her body, not through sex. Find something in her profile that resonated with you. Are you impressed that she runs marathons? Were you moved by the photo of her with her puppy? Tell her! If you’re on a date, listen to her—that’s sexy. Comment on the things she’s passionate about. Be kind. She’ll find you more attractive.

A guy once messaged me to ask whether I was still sexually active---at my age. He claimed he needed to know, because he’d been disappointed before. He wanted to save himself from the agony of getting involved with a woman who might be bad in bed. Really?? Guys, asking about sex before you meet will not win points with the ladies. It will certainly not endear you to a mature woman like me.

Anita A. Chlipala

Planning the future too soon

You talk about the future, and you’ve only known each other a short time. On a second date you asked her to go on vacation with you or be a date to a wedding three months down the road. It can make you seem not only desperate, but that any woman would do – who you’re with doesn’t matter, as long as you have someone. No one wants to feel this way. A person wants to feel wanted for who they are, not to fill a void in your life. It also puts too much pressure on the two of you to work out.

Take the time to get to know her before you make any serious plans. You stop making her feel special. When you first meet a woman you like and begin to care for, it’s easy to make her feel special. You’re excited to have someone new and awesome in your life, and you show it. Once the comfort and familiarity sets in, you get lazy. You don’t compliment her on how beautiful she looks, you don’t send any “I miss you” or “Can’t wait to see you” texts. You stop planning dates and instead you two just “hang out.” Lack of effort and attention can kill a relationship.

Lacking confidence and assertiveness

Women love men who are sure of themselves and who know who they are and what they want. A confident man is assertive (not aggressive) and approaches a woman in that way and takes initiative in the dating process. Many men are too passive and spend too much time sending subliminal messages when the women they are pursuing would much rather prefer a direct message. Mature women see assertiveness & confidence as a sign of strength and find it attractive and sexy. 

So men be confident, be clear, and be consistent! 

"Striving to be better than good enough!"

Rachel Maclynn

Forgetting about how a true gentleman behave

 As a dating expert, Chartered Psychologist and founder of an international award-winning matchmaking agency I find myself repeatedly educating men on one very important principle. Yes, we live in a society where men and women should be considered equal. Women should have the same opportunities as their male counterparts in the workplace. Let’s all embrace feminism.

But this principle does not apply to dating. Men think that equality with women means going Dutch on a date is the right thing to do. They think holding a door open for a lady will be considered condescending. They think women want to able to make the first move if they choose to. Wrong. I have met some very powerful single women over the past 10 years who are strong advocates of feminism. Not once have I ever been told that they would be offended if a guy took his jacket off, to put on her shoulders on a chilly evening. Women want to celebrate their femininity when it comes to dating.

And men actually want to express their human instinct to be the ‘protector’, they just don’t show it because they think it will cause offence. The subconscious drive for men to take the lead in dating goes right back to hunter-gatherer times. So, when it comes to dating, good old-fashioned etiquette should prevail. It’s what women want, so men should follow their natural instinct and sweep us of our feet!

Samantha Jayne

Not taking charge

The number one mistake that men make with women is not taking charge. It can be confusing for men especially when women give off an “independent vibe”.

Deep down women want a man to be in his masculine energy, this makes her feel safe and as though he can take care of her. The stronger the woman is on the outside the more vulnerable she is on the inside. It is a mask. Women are constantly testing men.

It’s such a common theme for women to say I want a man stronger than me. When she is acting all strong and superior know that deep down it is just a test. She wants a man to be in his masculine energy. Sometimes all it takes is one person to know that and you can influence her to be more comfortable in her feminine energy and be vulnerable with you.

Believe in you, get comfortable being you and show her you can take charge. Women are inferential in their communication. Woman says, ‘I have a headache”. Man says, “Would you like me to get you a paracetamol?” Woman says, “I’m ok don’t worry”. The clever man will get her a paracetamol because he knows this is an unconscious test and she deep down wants her man to get her headache tablet so she feels looked after. The man who doesn’t get her a paracetamol is in the dog house because what she really wanted him to say was, “I’ll get it for you, you need it, I’ll take care of you”.
There are a lot of guys on tinder, and, lets face it, they’re not all special snowflakes. Optimizing your profile...
The Friendzone is a gruesome place to be in. We tried our best to give a map out of that dark place
Are you one of those guys who’s gone through life thinking pickup lines are just cheesy, one liners that scare girls off?