You Suck in Bed. No worries, I’m here to help you improve.
I think we all should be able to distinguish between reality and fantasies. And I don’t believe that having a lot of fantasies, necessarily would diminish our lust and ability for the messy, noisy, complicated real-life version.
But my last four lovers have all been pretty bad. And I don’t mean bad in conversation or bad in dates or not getting along with my friends.
I mean bad, like, bad in bed.
They have not been able to give me even a glimpse of an amazing sex-life. That sex-life I always thought my grown-up version would have back when I was a teenager and only had sex in my fantasies. A mind-blowing sex life.
I might be a tricky case. I demand a lot of attention. Orgasm rarely happens to me. I have a list of specifics’ I like, and those are not everyone’s cup of tea.
But still, there seem to be a pattern here that made me compelled to write this article. If you don’t know your cunnilingus it doesn’t matter whether you quote Jordan Peterson or Noam Chomsky. I will still not be impressed.
But don’t worry, I’m here to give you some easy to use tips and tricks. Take them into rotation already tonight.
Back to the porn-aspect of the problem. I will start with saying; No, I’m not that easily turned on. It’s not enough to unbutton your pants and let the magic wand pop out. That won’t make me moan and scream with pleasure.
1. Too Quick
The problem: Too quick. We all love a quickie. Men seem to love it more than women. My four last lovers certainly were fans of the quickie. I admit it has its place. But a lot of the time it’s also just laziness.
The solution: Take your time. According to this study the average intercourse only lasts 5 minutes.
This, of course, doesn’t include foreplay. But it does show how important it is to take the time to do lots of different things before the penis in vagina part. Since being described as the 5-minute man to her friends, is nothing you should aim for.
Another reason that the sex often feels too quick, even when it lasts longer, is that most men seem to be rushing through the different steps. Kissing. Fingering. Licking. Fucking. Changing position. And finally collapsing after ejaculation.
Don’t be one of those men. Forget about the finishing line. Forget about your orgasm. Forget about her orgasm. Just enjoy exactly what you are doing. With this technic, you will be halfway on your way to being the best sex she has ever had.
The problem: Selfishness. This is something I often hear my girlfriends complain about and occasionally experience myself.
The solution: Stop. Change. Don’t be selfish.
Being aware that a lot of men suffers from this problem, take an honest look at yourself. Could you be more generous? More open to her needs?
Try spending the whole next time you have sex without thinking about you and what you would like to do. Instead, focus on her. Listen to her. Follow the clues to her pleasure. See what happens.
I think a lot of men don’t do this because it actually puts them in a vulnerable position. If you really try hard to satisfy the women you are having sex with, if you put aside your own needs and focus on hers, a rejection of that effort will be a bigger rejection. Most men simply don’t take the risk.
3. Trying too hard
The problem: Working too hard towards giving her an orgasm. Don’t make the sex about her having an orgasm. For some women orgasm can come easily, it’s not a sign of great sex. For others, orgasm comes rarely. Too much of a focus on this make the whole experience seem like you are a jokey trying to make your horse do a good race.
The solution: Once again. Mindfulness. It’s not the result, it’s the journey. Most men are usually not selfish, but sex is still too focused on the finishing line. We all want proof that the sex was good. We all want to make sure that the other person enjoyed themselves. Most of the time it seems like an orgasm is a golden ticket.
Don’t fall into this trap. Instead, relax, focus on what you are doing at exactly that moment, take your time before the first orgasm. Generally speaking, the longer the build-up, the more powerful the orgasm. So be prepared to spend some time in the landscape of uncertainty, the landscape of no orgasm.
4. Stiff and mechanical
The problem: Stiff and mechanical. Disconnected. It’s like the man in question is running through a script where any woman could have been the leading lady. Or, as one of my girlfriends put it; he was just boring.
The solution: Try to be creative. Maybe you are not a creative person. That’s ok. I don’t mean you have to dress up like a goat, wear a clown mask, or something equally absurd. Just try and work on your playful side.
Sex is a game. Fun for adults. Channel your inner child, the one that could spend hours making sandcastles. Be open and relaxed and willing to follow different impulses. Don’t take things so seriously. Just try new things and be open to what happens.
The problem; Insecurity. If you were not already insecure, I’m sure the list above made you doubt yourself. So, as the sweet women, I am, on top of all that, I’m also going to say that being insecure is a common thread among all my bad lovers.
Does that feel ok?
Are you comfortable?
Should I continue?
The solution: This point seems to contradict some of the advice handed out above. And that’s why I wanted to put it last. Because to be a truly great lover you must try to do everything above, while at the same time taking the lead.
Show her what you want, what you like. Be dominant. But not dominant like in being an insensitive asshole. Dominant as in being full of passion. Dominant as in being full of ideas and directness in both move and speech to create the sexual tension.
If you don’t feel comfortable with this thought, that’s a huge sign. It’s definitely time for you to give dominance ago. This is probably the area where you have the most room for improvement. I’m also going to suggest a certain amount of faking it. True self-confidence takes a lifetime. Until then, fake it till you make it.
Soo there you have it. Now you know everything that women complain about to each other and also what you can do differently. And if you take my advice, it’s not only about her and your ability to increase her pleasure. By following the above, I’m sure you also will enjoy it so much more.