How to Overcome Dating Anxiety and False Constraints

By Marcus

Posted 9 months agoDATING

“What attract women with honesty? That is a joke” a friend scoffed. I remembered those harsh words imprinted in my memory. Up till today. Starting a new process of self-improvement with women is almost UNHEARD in some social circles. Especially if you are an Asian.

However, I still went ahead with it.

The result? Tons of experience, a dating coach business built from it and no regrets. Imagine what would have happened to me if I was crippled by those exact words?

Here is the dirty truth.

Change makes people feel downright uncomfortable. Honesty makes people feel horrible. The second dirty secret is that people don’t want you to change. That’s because by your changing, it reflects their own inability to change.

However, I want to talk about constraints that YOU put on yourself: we tend to make the false constraints seem more than real. In trying to better your dating life, there are constraints that we face. This is especially true in 2020. There is after all a raging pandemic ravaging through planet earth.

Anxiety and Constraints in Dating

You are going to face constraints when attempting to attract women. This can range from the naysayers to your genetic disposition. However, in dating, just like many pursuits in life, there are real constraints and false constraints.

Some real constraints in my life:

– Height (I’m 167cm tall, that’s shorter than the average height even in Asia)

– Family background (no one starts equal, let’s accept this and move on)

– Country you are born in

False constraints:

– Caring too much about what others think

– Personality (research shows 50% is malleable)

– Goals (you are allowed to dream as big as you desire)

– The people you hang out with, family and friends

How to Adapt to Constraints: Dating In Raging Pandemic

In 2020, in some countries, the wearing of masks is mandated by law. 

Everyone is wearing a mask. How to even date? This makes approaching women almost impossible. This is a real social constraint. There are ways to work around this. I figured online dating was an avenue. Secondly, there’s no reason why you cannot be equally charming with a mask on.

Here is my process: I first enlisted the help of a friend to take photos, this iterative process took around 3-4 shoots over two months for me to roughly get the ‘magic formula’ of photos. I split test my photos, photo sequence and profile description over 5 online dating applications

I ran boost tests and paid features on 4-6 applications and recorded the results: time boosted, number of likes and quality of matches. This process took around 2 weeks of theoretical learning and then 2 months of implementation.

The result: tons of matches and screw ups. (cause I secretly hate texting)

However, I found myself landing high quality dates week in and out once the shutdown measures were lifted in my country. This is done despite extremely restrictive mask wearing laws and social distancing laws. 

This is one way you can stop listening to the noise and opinions of others.

Define The Parameters and Focus on Internal Locus of Control

This isn’t just my waxing my personal experiences, there’s a scientific study how individuals with a perceived higher internal locus of control leads better relationships.

In Singapore, where I was from, there was more than a two months lockdown when the pandemic raged. This started earlier in the year. My social life was in ruins before the lockdown and I was actually motivated to build up my social life again. Hence, when the government announced a two months lockdown, I reacted with anger and whined about it on my social media profiles.

However I knew that I wasn’t in any position to make demands and had to adjust to my circumstances. Here are the actions I took to keep myself afloat during the lockdown period:

  • I hosted zoom sessions with my current small net friends and had beer sessions online once every two weeks 
  • I dove my head into the books as I had 4 major academic examinations in a couple of months 
  • I tried my best to workout every other day through running and stretching
  • I meditated whenever I felt stressed out and hopeless
  • Like I mentioned, I also invested in an online dating program for men to prepare for post pandemic circumstances where strict social rules were still enforced 

You can access your personal locus of control, define the parameters unique to your situation and work on your dating life given constraints.

Pandemics aside, let’s say you are a 167cm tall, Asian male that has been introverted his entire life. You weren’t born rich or good looking either. You are given these sets of poker hands to play with.

You could blame God for not giving you good looks or rich parents and choose not to play the entire dating game, or you could make calculated bets: understanding female psychology, learning social skill sets such as the art of teasing/ flirting with a girl as a skill set.

These skill sets not only helped me get a grasp on my dating life, it has helped me become a much better communicator in general. There are spillover effects in my personal relationships and professional life. If you are working with dating constraints, learning how to use limited resources at your disposal is going to make you a more resourceful person in general.

If you are able to succeed with constraints in dating, let’s just say you are going to be more successful than the ones that have it all spoon fed to them.

About the author Marcus

Enjoys writing about dating, relationships, business and psychology. Partially didactic. Forced to learn SEO, recently picked up basic Java. Likes martial arts and music, but never got around to the latter.