Relationships and dating all have up’s and downs but how do you know when it’s time to quit or time to work at it?
There is lot’s of wishy wash advice out there, but very few talk the real immediate deal breakers, these deal breakers can be a life or death situation, often they actually are.
It’s easy to have preferences and ignore them, yes you will get hurt sometimes and sometimes your self-esteem will be affected. However, as far as I have seen after coaching 100’s of people, the following 3 areas need to be deal breakers for everyone, it really is a life or death matter when these are present!
What am I talking about? The deal breakers that are not about preference but instead about mental, emotional and physical safety.
Active Addiction, Abuse and Refusal to grow or resolve long standing issues in their life.
1. Active addiction
Whenever I lead with addiction people get annoyed but bare with me, there are no straight lines in life and there are no real rules, only what you will and won’t do. In addiction, someone is emotionally unavailable, often physically and mentality too. In active addiction and in the early stages of recovery a person usually isn’t available for anyone else’s needs, simply because they aren’t available for their own. Don’t believe this is their fault and often not intentional, however it is the reality.
Active addiction needs to be a deal breaker, if it’s not you will become as sick as the active addict, in fact in my experience as a coach, you may become sicker.
People in recovery from any addiction often have a lot more to offer a partner then every day jo soaps with none of this experience. The experience I talk about s self-awareness, facing difficulty with a sense of personal responsibly and an empathy.
BUT be warned being in recovery doesn’t always mean they are working recovery, turning up to meetings and not using doesn’t equate to recovery, recovery is actionable steps, personal responsibility, honesty and openness, if they are displaying these qualities great, if not.. think about what they are displaying, not what they are saying.
Who doesn’t want a partner that is responsible, open, honest, and does healthy behaviors? Keep in mind I am not saying anyone who identifies as an addict is not date-able, am saying anyone active in addiction or in the very early stages of recovery is not available to you as a partner. This has to be a deal breaker or a put t on hold moment!
Physical, mental, verbal or emotional abuse are all deal breakers, no one ever deserves to be mis-treated at the hands of ANYONE especially their spouse.
Abuse isn’t always understood because it often presents itself slowly and can have the person on the receiving end taking responsibility for causing it. If I didn’t say this then they wouldn’t have done that.
Everyone is 100% responsible for their own behavior, you yours and them theirs, nothing you ever say or do excuses the responsibility the other has for the choice they make.
For me as a coach, I define abuse simply, as treat someone with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly, whether that be verbally, mentally, physically or emotionally.
Bruises aren’t the only effects of abusive behavior, low self-esteem, anxiety, walking on egg shells, being in a constant state of fear or undermining how you feel or what you think resulting in you doubting yourself. .
3. Refusal to grow or resolve long standing issues
Something that was once an issue but not adequately addressed with professional help, will re-occur or at the very least has a really high chance of reoccurring.
This may seem a little less serious than active addiction or abuse, however it is one that very few identify and so can spend years arguing, butting heads and creating wedges in their relationship without actually resolving them.
I consider it so serious because unresolved issues repeat themselves and even with the best intentions, depending on the issue, it can have a very severe effect on the quality of your life as their spouse.
Some examples to help you understand my point;
Someone who doesn’t address their health issues can have an unhealthy impact on your well-being within a relationship. And when/if a health crisis occurs you have to manage the consequences of that, someone who manages that takes responsibility for their wellbeing and reduces the impact it has on you!
Someone who doesn’t want to improve or manage their mental health effectively could be putting you at risk and themselves. There is nothing wrong with someone needing help and getting it, however needing it and not getting it, that has to be a deal breaker for your well-being!
Someone who has anger issues, but never gets help, will continue to have anger issues until they get help! It is that simple, the promise of getting help is very different to the action of it.
So make your deal breakers count, make them powerful and clear. That way everything else is about preferences, not well-being!
It’s ok to not like qualities in your partner, however if they put you at risk or your well-being at risk, they need to be a deal breaker.
So forget his height and her looks, go deeper to the things that will actually enhance or breakdown the quality of your life!