Is sex is primarily involved with what’s your pants?
The most powerful sexual organ is the brain.
Orgasm begins and ends with the brain. When you climax, your brain provokes rhythmic muscle contractions in your reproductive organs (and sometimes throughout your whole body). After this, your brain releases endorphins into your bloodstream, giving you the delightful feelings of sexual pleasure.
Men experience an average of four to six genital contractions per orgasm. Women average six to ten contractions, meaning that women’s orgasms are longer than men’s.
Orgasm increases blood flow to your brain, eliminating fear and anxiety, increasing longevity, and blocking pain. It also releases oxytocin, a brain chemical that makes lovers feel more intimate and connected. The lateral orbitofrontal cortex, a brain area that controls behavior, stops working during orgasm. This leads to the feeling of “letting go” that many people experience during orgasm.
Women’s orgasms differ from men’s in that their amygdala and hippocampus (brain regions responsible for fear and anxiety) shut down during orgasm. Also, their periaqueductal gray areas (the area of the brain that governs the fight-or-flight response) become activated. It is hypothesized that these mechanisms in the brain are related to the fact that many women (unlike men) need to feel safe, protected, and relaxed to have an orgasm.
Male and female orgasms are triggered differently. 75% of Men climax every time they have sex. However, only 30 % of women experience regular orgasms during sex. To achieve climax, most women require oral or manual stimulation in addition to vaginal stimulation.
Women can achieve orgasm through a variety of methods. Some women may use clitoral stimulation alone to trigger their orgasms. Others may prefer to have their breasts and nipples rubbed. Still others may need simultaneous stimulation of their clitorises and vaginas to achieve climax.
Many women need their erotic imagination stimulated as well. Did you know the erotica market for women rivals the pornography market for men?
Tantric practitioners have even been known to reach orgasm through thought alone! Obviously, the mind plays a huge role in sexuality and orgasm.
Researchers from Rutgers University used an MRI machine to determine which locations on the sensory cortex correspond to the vagina, clitoris, and nipples. All three organs are paired with very different locations in the brain (and provoke quite different sensations in women), as you can see in the picture below:
Though there are at least three ways to trigger a female orgasm, a recent study from Indiana University found that only 64% of women said they orgasm while having sex with a partner. If there are so many ways to satisfy a woman, why are so few women able to climax during sex?
Before you can seduce a woman’s mind, you must change your own mind. By adopting a healthier attitude towards female pleasure, you’ll become the magnetic and captivating lover you’ve always wanted to be!
How an Alpha Male Makes a Woman Come
Nearly all men can climax without difficulty, but women just aren’t built that way. They need a partner who knows how to take the lead, create sexual tension, and help them achieve an orgasm.
Many men don’t know how to act in the bedroom. They’re trained by society to behave as beta males, which damages their sexual relationships. In tribal groups, beta males get their pleasure quickly from females – while the alpha male is distracted. In today’s world, however, it’s essential for all men to learn how to give women pleasure; it’s a signal of alpha male dominance!
One sticking point for men is that fact that we can see the act of “pleasuring” a woman as weak or low-status.
Certainly, some men embrace a submissive role, as evidenced by the enduring popularity of dominatrices. These men deserve much respect – it takes a lot of courage to go against the social norm of male dominance.
However, most men identify as dominant, and most women as submissive. For these people, it’s essential to create a sexual dynamic that makes the man feel strong and powerful and the woman feel protected and loved. This means that we must re-examine the psychology of pleasure.
For example, the phrases “fuck you”, “blow me”, and “you suck”, are common insults in our culture. However, you must set these cultural attitudes aside when you’re alone with your partner (Yes, I know it’s easier said than done.)
When speaking, writing, and in your thoughts, replace the phrase “pleasuring a woman” with “giving pleasure to a woman“. (You’ll notice I’ve used this semantic trick throughout this article) An alpha male gives the gift of orgasm to a woman; this doesn’t make him subordinate to her.
For the purposes of this article, I’ll assume that the male prefers the dominant role, and the female like to be submissive. However, when you’re with your partner, always be aware that she may have other desires. Be sure to communicate about the roles you play as your relationship progresses, especially as you develop the trust you need to discuss these intimate matters.
So, now that you’ve started to feel better about giving pleasure to your partner, how do you make her feel comfortable enough with you to have sex and achieve an orgasm? How do you use her biggest sexual organ (her brain) to your advantage?
The Importance of Trust
As mentioned above, most women (unlike most men) need to feel safe and secure in order to achieve orgasm. If your partner isn’t comfortable with you (or is anxious for some other reason), you must help her set aside her worries.
Some scientists believe that orgasm increases a woman’s chances of conception by removing barriers to sperm and increasing sperm retention. This could explain why the female orgasm can be so elusive. A woman must feel safe and protected and trust that her partner will stay with her after sex – to help her through pregnancy and provide for their child.
Your partner’s body and subconscious mind don’t know anything about “safe sex”, condoms, or birth control. Even though the two of you may not intend to have an ongoing relationship, you must still earn the trust of her body and mind to help her achieve the satisfaction of orgasm.
Creating Comfort and Trust
For starters, you can assume that a woman feels uncomfortable by default.
Women typically overthink things – their bodies, life circumstances, and especially men’s feelings towards them. This is particularly true of younger and less emotionally stable women. You can safely assume that your partner is also overanalyzing her sexual experiences with you.
During your first sexual encounter, your partner may be thinking, “Will he call me tomorrow? Or he is just another jerk who only wants to fuck me?”
If you’ve been dating for a while, she might be worried about competition from the girl who just “liked” all your pictures on Facebook. Or she might be wondering if you’ve noticed the weight she’s put on recently. Also, if a woman has school, work, or family problems, she will likely take these into bed with her as well.
As a man, you need to support your partner and help her let go of her anxiety. Give her the opportunity to lose herself in your arms.
Help Her Feel Beautiful
Assuming your partner is thinking about a million different things in bed, all of which stand between her and an orgasm, your main goal is to help her think positively.
All women, even the most attractive ones, have insecurities. Even the most gorgeous woman you meet could give you a list of things she’d love to change about her appearance.
Make sure you partner knows how attractive you find her, especially when she’s naked. Otherwise, her negative thoughts may soon get the better of her. She may be thinking, “He probably thinks my boobs are too small, and my stomach looks terrible when I’m on top. Let’s switch to the missionary position!” Don’t let your partner’s fears dissuade her from fun, adventurous sex.
Of course, not every woman feels insecure about her body. But if your partner likes to keep the bedroom lights low, blushes when undressing, and doesn’t like being seen naked, it’s quite possible that her looks are an issue for her.
Your willingness to make love to a woman is rarely enough to convince her that you find her attractive. Most women need frequent, genuine, and personalized compliments. For example:
“I love how your dark hair falls around your lovely breasts when you’re on top of me. You look so hot, baby!”
Treat Your Intimacy Time as Something Special
Even if you sleep with different women every week, tonight you are undressing this particular woman. She’s a sensitive person, and she’s decided to share her most intimate moments with you.
Of course, you shouldn’t fall in love with every girl you sleep with. However, in the moments you share with a woman, treat her as well as possible. Don’t let her feel like you view her as only a sex object. If you don’t think your partner deserves to be treated well during sex, don’t have sex with her. Go find someone you feel better about spending time with.
Treat her gently and behave like a gentleman. Show interest in her personality. Keep eye contact with her while you touch her body. This helps her feel like you’re interested in HER, not just her physical form.
Also, kiss her while you’re making love; women love this. However, some women become so engrossed in kissing that it can be overwhelming for the man. In this case, don’t trade your discomfort for her comfort – that can only lead to problems and drama. Instead, try offering her kisses and then pulling away in a teasing manner.
You can even use tantric techniques like lip-brushing and dominant moves like hair-pulling to balance her passion with yours. Achieving this balance can create a transcendent sexual experience. (Read about this sexual miracle in Joe’s post, Laughing At Overwhelm; Accepting Affection; Balancing Sexual Energies)
Don’t Let Her Issues Enter Your Bedroom
Your partner may be worried about life issues, such as an upcoming exam or problems at work. Talk with her about her concerns before you go to bed together. For example, if she’s stressing out before a big meeting, tell her:
“You’re well prepared, and you’ll do great! Now switch off your brain, focus on your body, and let me take care of you”.
Intimate, but non-sexual, activities like massaging your partner’s back or feet are a great way to relax her. Don’t worry if you aren’t the best masseuse. She will appreciate the fact that you want to take care of her, which will help her relax. Your gentle touch will help her mind drift to a more sensual place.
However, some women have irrational problems which you can’t help them with. In these cases, just listen and let her know you understand why she’s upset. A lot of guys try to offer rational solutions to irrational problems. Don’t make this mistake. Just listen, reassure her, and hold her close.
While hugging, our brain produces oxytocin, a hormone that creates feelings of security, bonding, and love. The BBC reported that the oxytocin boost released while hugging seemed to have a stronger calming effect on females than on males.
If your partner seems insecure or resistant during foreplay (especially if she is shy or you don’t know each other very well), you can touch her vagina and hug her at the same time. This is also an excellent way to bring a woman to orgasm, especially if you feel uncomfortable “pleasuring her” in other positions, or aren’t comfortable giving oral sex.
I recommend sitting in a large chair or couch with the woman on your lap. Have her spread her legs as you stimulate her clitoris. She can twist around to kiss you when she needs to feel a deeper connection. Also, you will be able to enjoy the sounds she makes and the way she writhes in your lap as she gets closer and closer to her climax.
If your partner is generous enough to give herself to you in the ways you prefer, reward her sometimes with “chair time”. Also, if you have problems with premature ejaculation, this is a perfect way to give your partner pleasure (and often an orgasm) in a stress-free environment. She has all the time she needs to orgasm; she’s not feeling pressured to come before you do.
“Chair time” is an intimate experience for both partners, but it focuses solely on the woman’s pleasure. Let her lay back in your arms and be transported by your touch, without having to concern herself with pleasing you. You’ll be very pleased with the results!
Figure Out What She Likes (And Doesn’t) In Bed
Everyone has a unique sexual personality and enjoys different fantasies. It’s important to discuss both of your kinks and preferences with your partner, especially in a new relationship. This can create a comfortable and relaxed environment that increases the chances your partner will have an orgasm.
Engage in Long Foreplay Sessions
Remember this forever: Foreplay is not an introduction to sex. Foreplay is sex.
The sexual acts that lead up to penetration are often more essential for a woman’s orgasm than the penetration itself. Yvonne K. Fulbright, sexologist and author of the Hot Guide to Safer Sex says, “Most women need about 20 minutes of arousal time to reach the ‘orgasmic platform’, when the clitoris is most sensitive and the body is primed for stimulation.” Don’t rush through foreplay; take your time to enjoy her body.
When arousing a woman during foreplay, don’t just use your mouth on her clitoris. Her super-sensual G-spot (located about 1 to 2 inches up the front wall of her vagina) swells slightly during arousal. Try massaging the area slowly with your fingers. Many females find it mind-blowing. What’s more, experiencing an orgasm during foreplay increases a woman’s chances of climaxing during penetration! It also takes the pressure off of you both; if the woman doesn’t come during penetration, at least both partners have had an orgasm.
Whatever you do, take your time. Men often rush foreplay, even if they are quite skilled in licking or touching a woman’s pussy. If you want your partner to come, show her how much you enjoy giving her pleasure. If she (even for a second) feels that you’re bored or don’t care if she reaches orgasm or not, she will likely have a very difficult time reaching orgasm. Never let her feel like your only goal is to penetrate her.
Make Her Wait
Many men seek to give a woman pleasure by taking her panties off and moving directly toward her clitoris. This is okay, but this won’t make her think you’re a great lover. Slow down and make her wait for the pleasure you’re offering.
Erotic and/or BDSM literature often highlights a woman’s anxiety as she becomes more and more sexually stimulated until she is penetrated. Try to create this type of anticipation in your partner, giving her so much attention during foreplay that she begs for more. This waiting period (and being so aroused that she begs for more) can be the most exciting part of sex for a woman.
More than 60% of women admit they like to be dominated. Making your partner wait for your touch and kisses shows dominance (without using violence). When she is naked, aroused, and ready for you, you’re the one who holds the reins.
Waiting turns the pleasure a woman seeks into something even more. Let your partner’s pleasure heat up slowly in her body to explode later during sex!
Use Varied Techniques
Regular, quick touches are often too predictable for a woman to enjoy. Tease her body and make it wait for you to touch and suck her.
Put your hand on her mons pubis and leave it there. Stop moving. Let her feel the pressure and warmth of your hand. After a while, raise your middle finger and lay it on her clitoris. Do this only once. Then, do nothing for several seconds. Repeat this simple, teasing motion, and see how quickly she gets excited.
Women like not knowing when to expect your touch. Your partner will be waiting for you, surprised and excited. She won’t know where and when you’ll touch her next.
Don’t Underestimate Missionary
Despite its boring reputation, experts claim that the good old-fashioned missionary position gives women the most pleasure. Maybe it doesn’t look spectacular, but women enjoy the closeness and intimacy of their partner’s weight on them. (Just don’t use this position so often you take it for granted.)
Another way to help a woman reach orgasm is for her to be on top of you so she can guide the incoming pleasure. If your partner has problems with orgasm, let her choose her favorite position.
Sexual Attraction Starts with Your Day-To-Day Behavior
The way women perceive you in a sexual context goes far beyond what happens in the bedroom. To increase your sexual attractiveness, you need to work on your general attitude toward life.
Ancient survival mechanisms are still present in our DNA and determine our behavior. Females are naturally programmed to be attracted to fighters. Women value qualities such as confidence, assertiveness, and dominance in men. A shy, insecure guy is simply not sexy!
A woman’s first choice is the leader type, the “alpha male”. The most popular musicians, actors, and other “bad boy” types, are followed by countless groupies. Women love them because they combine countless alpha qualities.
The alpha male doesn’t hide his sexuality. Women know just from looking at him that he’s a sexual being. He takes care of his body and maintains correct posture. He feels comfortable with his sexuality and isn’t ashamed of his body’s needs.
You need women to see you as a sexual being. Don’t think, “Should I kiss her there or somewhere else?” Don’t ask yourself (or worse, your partner!) too many questions in bed. If you want to do something with her, do it! Then, sit back and observe her reactions.
In his interactions with women, an alpha male always holds the reins. He knows that he has to take the first step with a woman; he has the courage to reach for what he wants. He always takes full responsibility for what’s happening in his life.
When it comes to pleasing a naked female in his bedroom, an alpha male takes responsibility for his woman’s orgasm. He is eager to welcome this challenge, and taking control of the situation. He is patient, persistent, and dominant. Females love this attitude!
Give your lover the comforting and exciting impression that her body and sensations are completely in your hands. Be confident about your skills so she can trust that she’s made a good choice by offering her body to you!
An alpha male’s lover knows he won’t stop stimulating her until she climaxes. Demonstrating your dedication to her pleasure, more than anything else, is the secret to making a woman come.
The article was co-written by Joe Neely, a freelance writer and editor. He blogs about self-development, transcendent sex, and the modern sexual lifestyle at Starlighttantra