Dating Older Women: Why and How to Date a Cougar?

By Jarone Ashkenazi

Posted 5 years agoDATING

dating older women , what is a cougar

Are you bored of dating so often insecure and moody women of your age? Want to have more adventurous sex? Probably you should consider finding yourself around an attractive and more mature woman.

When one hears the term ‘cougar dating’, depending on their age, they either picture Ann Bancroft seducing a young Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate or more recently Demi Moore dating Ashton Kutcher. There has been an increase in the numbers of modern relationship consisting of older women dating younger men, which is quite the contrast to the traditional thought that men consistently go after younger women.

What is a Cougar?

For those who aren’t aware, Cougars are women in their late 30s, 40s and 50s, beautiful, fit, and confident with the energy and enthusiasm they are not always able to find in the company of men their own age.

Cougars are financially stable and mentally independent women in the 40+ age range looking to date younger men.  It’s a perfectly common phenomenon among men to look for younger partners, so why looking for younger partners by older women should be different?

Cougars have less drama, as they are stable financially and emotionally, and do not carry the same ego as younger women. Furthermore, these women are at their sexual peak and are looking for a partner. In fact, there are many sites and apps where you can meet older women.

The ‘cougar’ community has followed the recent influx of dating sites and apps on the market and there are a plethora of options, to choose from. So if you are open-minded about age, whether you are seeking a life partner or short-term companionship, compatibility can come in all ages.

LuciaartofloveimageLucia, CEO of The Cougar Club, is a dating and relationship expert specializing in Cougar relationships author of “Lucia’s Lessons of Love” and keynote speaker. She has been featured in countless national and international media and has been dubbed ‘The Queen of the Cougar Jungle’.

Lucia was kind of enough to spend some time answering some key questions about Cougar dating:

Why do younger men seek to date Cougars? What are they looking for?

Lucia: There is little to no drama when dating a Cougar.  She’s emotionally mature and has neither the time nor desire to play games.  Many younger men want to satisfy their sexual fantasies and think it will be better and easier with an older woman.  Others feel like they get along and communicate better with older women.

Cougars are financially stable and mentally independent women in the 40+ age range looking to date younger men. They are women that look much younger than they are, whether through plastic surgery or staying healthy and being fit, that choose to date younger men for a variety of reasons.

For some it is about looks. Lori Seeber, who was recently dubbed the Queen Cougar of Edmonton, states that most younger men (or as she calls them puppies), “take great care of themselves and go to the gym.” For her the physical attraction has to be there.

Other Cougars like Rosa Hildebrandt, a 55-year-old businesswoman from Chino, Calif. who was crowned Miss Cougar Corona Del Mar in 2011, site similar-aged men as a reason for going younger. She dates younger men as “men my age do not approach me. Either they are dating younger women as well or not looking for commitments.” Age also is a factor for Fabulousness Jones, a 43-year old self-proclaimed Cougar in St. Petersburg, FL, as she feels, “full of youth so there is nothing about a older man I find attractive.”

A common thought (or myth depending on how you view the topic) that pops up when it comes to younger men dating Cougars is that the relationship is strictly based on sex. This is partially true, depending on who you ask, as Cougars are looking for men with a lot of energy. One Cougar interviewed for the piece mentioned that about 75 percent of the relationship she had with her younger boyfriend was based on sex, while the other 25 percent included having fun with someone and exploring something new.

And how about commitment? Well commitment is never a guarantee no matter the age of either party. As such, Hildebrandt’s motto is “if it happens it happens.” She is well aware of the risks in dating someone younger (like if he wants to eventually start a family) but she doesn’t let that stop her pursuits. Lori loves the fact that there is no expectations between a Cougar and a puppy, the relationship is more open and stress free. And some like Tobey are not looking for commitment and like the fact that it can be a fling.

What are Cougars looking for in younger men?

Lucia: They want someone with little to no baggage – someone who isn’t seeing his children every other weekend and has a lot of available time.  They’re looking for someone who isn’t going to try to control them, who is good in bed, has stamina and endurance and a great body.

What are the advantages and disadvantages for dating a Cougar?

Lucia: Older women are more in touch with their femininity and sensuality, thus they are less inhibited sexually. They are secure in themselves and confident so there is little to no game playing. They have a direct approach and mature attitude about life and provide great companionship and interesting conversations. Furthermore, Cougars are financially independent and can usually provide great career advice.

Disadvantages include that she may no longer be interested or able to have children. As stated above, younger men will not be able to get away with lying or game playing and they will need to bring their “A” game – as she will not put up with being mistreated. Lastly, if you may be ridiculed by your family, friends, society

For Cougars, what are the advantages and disadvantages of dating a younger man?

Lucia: Younger men grew up in a generation where they see a woman as an equal and not some that they need to dominate. They have a bright eyed, bushy tailed attitude towards dating and are not as jaded as an older man would be, so they are still idealistic when it comes to love and romance.

They have little to no baggage – they generally don’t have an ex wife they are paying alimony to or kids they see every other weekend – and they are not threatened by a woman’s accomplishments and are very supportive. Additionally they look great and they are in shape, are into having fun, are willing to learn and experiment and have stamina!

The main disadvantages can be immaturity, especially if they are under 25. The part of the brain responsible for making decisions, the prefrontal cortex, is not yet fully developed, so they may not always make the right choices. As stated above in disadvantages for younger men dating Cougars, other people will have a problem with the relationship. His mother will probably not be very happy about it and members of the woman’s family or the woman’s children may also be concerned.

Finally the relationship may not last if he is still establishing himself in his career or if he wants children, but the woman doesn’t, that can be a deal breaker.

If you are looking to find an attractive older women, where can you find one?

Lucia: As there’s no designated “Cougar meeting area”, the top 3 places to meet a Cougar are at work, on dating sites (cougarlife.com, dateacougar.com) and at the gym.

How do you spot a Cougar?

Lucia: Unless you see her out with a younger man, either in person or on social media, the only way to really find out is to ask her out.

How do you know if a Cougar is looking for a boyfriend or just arm candy?

Lucia: Well, a Cougar is always looking for “arm candy” in the sense that she wants to date guys who are handsome, not just younger. However, the way to find out will either be to ask her directly what she’s looking for, or by her actions. If she doesn’t want to go out with you, and prefers to meet up at either her place or yours, then she’s looking for something casual. If however she waits to be intimate, or she wants to engage in conversations, either via text, phone or in person, then she’s probably looking for a boyfriend.  Again, the best way to find out is to ask!

What is the most common age for older women who date younger men? And what is the ‘normal’ age difference that Cougars find acceptable?

Lucia: It seems as if the majority of Cougars are early to mid-40s and date men in their mid 20s. There isn’t really an age difference that Cougars find acceptable, if it’s just casual, however they do prefer over 21 generally. If a Cougar is looking for a long term relationship, she usually prefers no more than a 10-15 year age difference.

Any other advice you have for men who wants to date attractive older women?

Lucia: Keep in mind you’re not dealing with a “girl” in her 20s, but an older woman who wants to be respected. The approach you use on someone your age or younger will be a turnoff to a Cougar. Contacting her on social media or a dating site with a one or two word email, such “Hey” or “What’s up” will get you ignored.

Also, they know when you’re lying or when you’re playing games, even though they may not say anything. Keep it real, be honest and the relationship will last longer.

Older women are less inhibited sexually. They are secure in themselves and confident so there is little to no game playing. They have a direct approach and mature attitude about life and provide great companionship and interesting conversations. Furthermore, Cougars are financially independent and can usually provide great career advice.

Disadvantages include that she may no longer be interested or able to have children. As stated above, younger men will not be able to get away with lying or game playing and they will need to bring their “A” game – as she will not put up with being mistreated. Lastly, if you may be ridiculed by your family, friends, society

For Cougars, what are the advantages and disadvantages of dating a younger man?

Lucia: Younger men grew up in a generation where they see a woman as an equal and not some that they need to dominate. They have a bright eyed, bushy tailed attitude towards dating and are not as jaded as an older man would be, so they are still idealistic when it comes to love and romance.

They have little to no baggage – they generally don’t have an ex wife they are paying alimony to or kids they see every other weekend – and they are not threatened by a woman’s accomplishments and are very supportive. Additionally they look great and they are in shape, are into having fun, are willing to learn and experiment and have stamina!

The main disadvantages can be immaturity, especially if they are under 25. The part of the brain responsible for making decisions, the prefrontal cortex, is not yet fully developed, so they may not always make the right choices. As stated above in disadvantages for younger men dating Cougars, other people will have a problem with the relationship. His mother will probably not be very happy about it and members of the woman’s family or the woman’s children may also be concerned.

Finally the relationship may not last if he is still establishing himself in his career or if he wants children, but the woman doesn’t, that can be a deal breaker.

If you are looking to find an attractive older women, where can you find one?

Lucia: As there’s no designated “Cougar meeting area”, the top 3 places to meet a Cougar are at work, on dating sites (cougarlife.com, dateacougar.com) and at the gym.

How do you spot a Cougar?

Lucia: Unless you see her out with a younger man, either in person or on social media, the only way to really find out is to ask her out.

How do you know if a Cougar is looking for a boyfriend or just arm candy?

Lucia: Well, a Cougar is always looking for “arm candy” in the sense that she wants to date guys who are handsome, not just younger. However, the way to find out will either be to ask her directly what she’s looking for, or by her actions. If she doesn’t want to go out with you, and prefers to meet up at either her place or yours, then she’s looking for something casual. If however she waits to be intimate, or she wants to engage in conversations, either via text, phone or in person, then she’s probably looking for a boyfriend.  Again, the best way to find out is to ask!

What is the most common age for older women who date younger men? And what is the ‘normal’ age difference that Cougars find acceptable?

Lucia: It seems as if the majority of Cougars are early to mid-40s and date men in their mid 20s. There isn’t really an age difference that Cougars find acceptable, if it’s just casual, however they do prefer over 21 generally. If a Cougar is looking for a long term relationship, she usually prefers no more than a 10-15 year age difference.

Any other advice you have for men who wants to date attractive older women?

Lucia: Keep in mind you’re not dealing with a “girl” in her 20s, but an older woman who wants to be respected. The approach you use on someone your age or younger will be a turnoff to a Cougar. Contacting her on social media or a dating site with a one or two word email, such “Hey” or “What’s up” will get you ignored. Also, they know when you’re lying or when you’re playing games, even though they may not say anything. Keep it real, be honest and the relationship will last longer.

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore, he age 25, she 41. Were married for 6 years.
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore (25 and 41). They have been married for 6 years.
caremon diaz and justin timberlake
Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake. Started dating for 4 years when he was 22, and she was 31.

Dating Older Women: How to Make A Hot Cougar Attracted To You

Cougars are confident women, many corporate or in a role of power of some type. They have no shame in being seen in public with younger men, as long as they don’t act completely immature. They are attracted to the “youngish package combined with a more ‘mature’ mental package,” according to another Cougar interviewed. Someone who is a mixture of respectful, honest, humble, considerate, smart, goal oriented, eager to learn, willing to please and obviously good looking. Because hey when it boils down to it you have to make the Cougar purr!

And if you are a younger man trying to make yourself more attractive to older women, follow these few simple guidelines by Catharine Hay, owner and dating advisor for ‘He’s 25, She’s 41′:

1. Call her instead of texting

If a younger man wants to get to know an older woman better, he should start out by speaking over the telephone with her as opposed to texting. Women in their 40s and 50s did not grow up with the practice of “texting” and might consider it a bit offensive.

Additionally, it is difficult to get to know someone without being able to hear their tone of voice and the nuances of their speech. Text messages are capable of being misunderstood, which is not a good way to start things out.

2. Don’t play games

I have been told on more than one occasion that “older women don’t play games like younger women do.” I would like to comment that older women prefer a straightforward approach and definitely don’t like to play games. We have been around the block more than a few times and have heard every “come on” in the book, every back-handed compliment, and seen every trick ever devised by man to try and get over on a woman.

Of course, straightforward doesn’t mean vulgar or insensitive; we prefer honesty. That way we know where we stand and can make a decision based on facts.

3. Mind your manners

Older women do not feel as if you are insulting their feminine independence by opening the door for them. We grew up being taught that this was expected of men with good manners and good manners never go “out of style.”

4. Make her feel attractive

The biggest issue for older women when dating younger men is their concern about appearing “old and unattractive.” We don’t expect, nor want, false platitudes, but a genuine effort at making us feel attractive is greatly appreciated. We want to know that you are able to see beyond the signs of age to the woman within.

About the author Jarone Ashkenazi

Jarone Ashkenazi is a native Angeleno who is passionate about sports as an athlete and fan. Ashkenazi's background in B2B public relations leading accounts within a myriad of industries including: technology, lifestyle, consumer, sports networks and non-profits has led him to become a freelance writer. Currently Ashkenazi contributes to Wingman Magazine, The Culture Trip, Your Tango and Examiner.com. To contact Jarone please reach out via twitter @JaroneAsh or email
jashkena@gmail.com.

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