I’m In Love with My Best Friend. Am I Gay?

By Patrick Banks

Posted 2 years agoDATING

It doesn’t happen to everyone, but some people do fall in love with their best friends. This is a natural consequence of the intimate bond between best friends. Even though this is not the worst thing, it can be a problem for individuals in same-sex friendships struggling with their sexual orientation. Also, what happens when you develop romantic feelings for your straight best friend?

Gym buddies turn lovers

“When Justin Mikita met Jesse Tyler, he was in a relationship, and he just wanted to be friends. However, ten months down the line, Justin was single, and the next thing we knew, he was engaged to the Modern Family sitcom star, Jesse. What was so special about their friendship that it ended up in marriage and a kid? Was it magic and sheer luck, or was one of them intentional from the very start? Whatever the case, Justine and Jesse have over and again proven that falling in love with your best friend is borderline magical.”

The Orientation Puzzle

If you’re struggling with your sexual identity, feelings for your besties will leave you stressed and confused. Some of the questions running through your mind might include: Am I gay? Should I tell them? If I can, how should I go about it?


Do feelings for your bestie make you gay?

For starters, don’t be embarrassed about your feelings. Regardless of your orientation, it is perfectly normal to be affectionate towards someone you spend most of your time with. You share numerous things in common, and you genuinely care about each other’s well-being.

But can you tell the difference between platonic love and falling in love with your best friend?

Next, The Chaos

Your bestie knows everything about you, and they have been there through it all. There isn’t anything you wouldn’t tell them. You are sure you love them, but there’s a certain feeling you can’t place your finger on. If your relationship history is hetero, you might start to question your sexuality. Are you gay? Bisexual? Does this alter your established sexuality? Does the dynamic of your friendship change?

This chaos is a product of what they teach us about sexuality. They say sexuality is a fixed aspect, and it tends to remain the same for the rest of our lives. However, Taimi dating preaches sexuality is fluid, and it might change severally over the course of our lives. As such, you may be attracted to some men/women or to particular attributes your bestie shares with them.

Falling in love with your best friend can be a chaotic experience that questions your sexuality and potentially threatens your friendship’s integrity.

Understanding Your Emotions


Your thoughts are in chaos, and that is okay. Take time to figure them out

Even in the midst of your chaotic thoughts and feelings, you have to take a step back and think through the situation.

You must understand that expressing your feelings will have consequences, whatever your feelings are. So, take time and pay attention to what you feel. How strong are they, and how do they manifest? Are they sexual?

Suppose you are not generally attracted to people of the same sex. In that case, strong feelings for your best friend might be borderline terrifying. Whether emotional or romantic, attractions are formed as a result of a strong bond. So, it is possible to have an emotional attraction to your friend. In such a case, you are attracted to their features and qualities. It’s a tiny crush that has zero effect on your relationship.

On the other hand, sexual feelings tend to weigh more heavily on friendship. Are you sexually aroused by the thought or presence of your best friend? Do you intend to do anything about it? Are you willing to risk your friendship for the prospect of something more? How do you think your best friend will react to expressing your feelings? Will it make your friend uncomfortable?

You have to understand that you might be infatuated, and crushes tend to wear off on their own. Therefore, you might want to take some time and see how your feelings develop. You don’t want to express your feelings only to go through the same thing with a different person within a week.

The Strategy

Once you have grounding for your feelings, you must make a decision on whether to say something or not. The choice to express yourself depends on how safe you feel, the kind of reaction you expect, and what you expect your friend to do with the information.

If this is a tough decision, you can choose to express your feelings without regarding what it means to your sexual orientation or how other people might respond to them. This bold move takes the pressure off expressing yourself and dealing with the consequences. You don’t have to ignore and ice your best friend just because you’re in love with them.

Here is what to do when you fall in love with your best friend;

  1. Respect their Existing Relationships

Sharing an intimate bond with your best friend does not give you the right to ruin their relationship to suit your needs. If they are in an existing relationship, resist the temptation to sabotage it in any way. If their partner is not abusive, violent, or manipulative, they are probably content.

If they are going through a breakup, don’t take advantage of their vulnerability to make your move. They need a friend to lean on, not an emotional predator.

If you intend to express your feelings to someone who is in a relationship, don’t give them an ultimatum. Instead, give them time to process their own emotions.

  1. What’s at Stake?

Are you ready to lose your best friend? Will your existing relationship survive after you express your feelings? Even if your friend feels the same way, are you ready for a relationship? What happens if you should break up?

  1. Pay Attention to the Signs

If we’re being honest, it’s easier for hetero-sexual friendships to blossom into something more. But it doesn’t mean it’s easy either.

Hinting about a relationship puts the idea in your friend’s mind. If they start mentioning crushes and partners you didn’t know existed, it’s time to pack it up.


What green lights are you giving?

If you start to notice hints from them, they might be trying to see whether you’re interested in being more than friends. In addition, you should pay attention to what your other friends say about you or how they act whenever you are around.

Subtle cues you can use to get the point across include holding your gaze a little longer or looking back after you part ways. Physical touch never fails, but don’t be inappropriate. Soon, these acts start to register in your friend’s minds, and they might start to see you in a different light.

  1. Actions Speak Louder than Words

You know everything about your best friend. What they like and hate, hobbies, guilty pleasures, what irks them, and so on. As such, you have a greater head start.

If you’re having a hard time talking about your feelings, try to be intentional with your actions.

Even on a platonic basis, a relationship gets more intimate if the partners are intentional with their words and actions. Sooner or later, your friend might start to catch up, and you can start to use your words now.

Technically, you are using your advantage to push for your agenda, and that doesn’t make you a horrible person.

  1. Talk to Someone

If you’re harboring confusing feelings for your best friend, you might want to talk to someone about it. It could be a close friend, a trusted adult, or a therapist. Talking about your feelings with someone will help you get perspective. Sounding your ideas gives you clarity on your feelings, expectations, and possible consequences of expressing them.

In addition, you get to have a deeper understanding of the level and type of feelings you have. Are they physical? Sexual? Emotional? Do you want to do anything about it, and if so, what?

Interacting with family and other friends might help you get your mind off things.

  1. Set Fluid Timelines

Naturally, you will have expectations once you express your feelings. You’ll expect a reaction, and you’ll probably want to know what your friend feels. However, you should not expect a spontaneous reaction.

Your friend might need some time to process everything, and some might even ask for some space. It’s important to understand that people process emotions differently, and they don’t have to do so in your timelines.

Getting It Done

Before you do anything, you must have a clear answer to the question, am I in love with my best friend? Once you’re certain of your feelings, how are you going to express them? Do you write a note? Send an email or text? Do you call them, or do you say it in person?

Be honest and concise – try not to beat around the bush. Tell them you’ve been struggling with your feelings for a while, and you think it’s important for them to know. If you wish the relationship to grow into something more, use this chance to say so.

Honestly, such conversations might get messy. It’s a lot to process, so take time to listen to what your friend has to say. Try not to push for an answer immediately.

What Happens When They Don’t Love You Back?

It might seem weird, but it’s natural for someone not to love you back, regardless of how pure your intentions might be. Unrequited love hurts, but how exactly do you deal with it?

Falling out of love seems like an extreme thing to do, impossible even. However, it’s possible to stop loving someone, but you must first accept the truth about your situation. Here are several ways of dealing with unrequited love.

  1. Brutal, But True

For starters, you must make peace with this painful truth. Your best friend is not in love with you. Movies might have made you believe in magical friendships that blossom into blissful romance, but real life might play out differently. This will be disappointing and heartbreaking, but it is essential to remain honest with yourself at such a time.

Otherwise, you’ll end up living in misguided delusion or bitterness.

  1. Re-Evaluate

It’s important to reconsider your friendship once you express your feelings. Do you need to take a break, or will your friendship resume? Are you capable of maintaining a friendship with someone you have deep feelings for? Don’t hang on with the hope that things might change. You should know that resuming such a friendship means you accept it won’t go any further.

  1. Try Counseling or Therapy

Rejection can do a number on your self-esteem and mental health, so consider getting professional help. They will help you work through complex emotions that weigh on your mental health or trigger your insecurities.

Know When to Fall Back

Sometimes, our love stories don’t always end in a happy ever after. Our friends might not love us the same, or the relationship might not work out in the long run.

Therapy is a great way of dealing with complex and confusing emotions

Naturally, you might want to hold on to your best friend for as long as possible. While this might be a sweet gesture, you could end up hurting yourself in ways you never thought possible. For instance, if you’re deeply in love with a straight person, being around them may start to feel like torture. You know that even if they truly loved you as a friend, it will never be enough for you. Sticking around means being okay with their other romantic or sexual relationships, and this can take a heavy toll on you.

As such, learn to step back when the relationship starts to hurt emotionally or mentally. We all deserve to be with someone who loves us as much as we love them, and it really doesn’t have to be your best friend.


Falling in love is a beautiful experience, but it can turn dreary if it threatens a treasured, long-term friendship. For some people, such feelings question their identity and sexuality, while others question their courage and intentions. Best friends are an important part of our lives, so it’s natural we’ll want to be close to them for as long as possible. But what happens when you’re deeply and hopelessly in love with your best friend.?

About the author Patrick Banks

Patrick is a Berlin-based dating advisor, motivational speaker, a huge fitness and vegan diet enthusiast and the main editor at Wingman Magazine, specialised in men's health. His ultimate goal is to share with men around the world his passion for self-development and to help them to become the greatest version of themselves. He believes a healthy body and successful social interactions are two main keys to happiness.

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