Inner Game: The Key to Getting Good With Women and Life

By Patrick Banks

Posted 1 month agoDATING

A lot of self-help is B.S. and tainted by fake gurus who teach short-term tactics that make you feel good in the moment but don’t get real results. Most men who want to build their confidence are told short-sighted tips, such as work harder, be yourself or get in the right mood. The problem with this advice is not that it is entirely wrong, but there is no sense of practicality. How do we work harder? How do we be ourselves? How do we get in the right mood? 

Even worse, this doesn’t solve the confidence paradox a lot of inexperienced men have. How do we become confident when we have nothing to be confident about? 

The answer is to build a skillset. 

Develop a set of actions, mindsets and behaviors you can rely on to get you through any situation, no matter how crappy you feel. This skillset is also referred to as Inner Game, a term frequently used by dating coaches.

How Does Inner Game Work?

​Having a strong Inner Game means that you’re able to act as if you are truly confident even during moments when you’re not. In fact, a lot of successful people in the world have developed their Inner Game to get to where they are. No one is ever truly fearless. A lot of us have to muster through the pain because it’s the right thing to do.

​Speaking of the right thing to do, a strong Inner Game stems from having a rigid set of values and high integrity. Let’s take meeting women in public for example. Approaching a beautiful girl at the coffee shop is relatively low risk, even though our emotions tell us we’re in danger. Our lives are not in jeopardy, and the worst outcome of approaching a girl is to be told that she’s not interested. The cost-benefit analysis of approaching is heavily weighted toward the positive since the best outcome is having a new romantic partner and the worst outcome is nothing. Seriously. A rejection won’t change anything about your life. You’re still the same dude as you were before you approached her.

​Now, a lot of men with approach anxiety will be overwhelmed by fear and self-doubt. They’ll probably pass on speaking with the cute girl and tell themselves they’ll try another day when they’re more “confident”. Considering that it’s actually counterproductive to one’s dating life to not approach someone you’re attracted to, men need to understand that passing up moments like these is the WRONG thing to do. The RIGHT thing to do would be to approach because the upside is so great.

​Now imagine if we used this “right and wrong” categorization to other aspects of our lives. If we adhered to always taking the right action no matter what mood or state we’re in, we’d see massive improvements to whatever skill we’re working on. When you’re able to detach the outcome from the action, you’ll put yourself down a path of more action taking, which is always better off than letting your emotions control you negatively. 

​And if we want to talk about emotional damage, the pain from inaction is almost always worse than the pain from taking action. 

​Don’t be the guy who regrets not saying hi to a girl. Instead, just do the right thing and train your body and mind to embody these habits. It’s gonna take some time and effort, but your future self will also thank you for your integrity.

​It’s always interesting to see how dating skills correlate with life skills. If we had a strong set of principles for ourselves that we religiously followed, a lot of us would be richer, healthier, more productive, and more confident. 

Img: https://unsplash.com/photos/94GiZLiWD8Y

Playing to Win

​Now that we know to focus on taking the right action when times get tough, we also need to improve the quality of our behaviors. Taking the right action isn’t just walking over to a girl and quietly whispering, “Excuse me…. Uh.. I think you’re cute.” It’s pretty intuitive that the chances of success are quite low with a weak approach like that.

We need to play to win. We need to be intentful and play our moves such that we can achieve the best outcome. Entering any interaction with the belief that it will go wrong will most likely end with the interaction going wrong. Your pessimism will most likely show through your actions and the dynamic will be totally off. On the other hand, if you enter an interaction knowing that the girl will like you, the chances are that this belief will convey a lot of confidence through your behaviors. A positive feedback loop will happen, and the woman’s receptive response will encourage more confident behaviors from you.

Whenever you are in a situation, orient your actions around what will get you the best results. Be present. Do whatever it takes to win. You might be wrong sometimes, but that just means that you have to change the model inside your head, correct your errors and go at it again. But to do something with failure in mind means you already failed.  

Strategy Over Tactics

It’s clear to see why having a strategy and framework to approach life is so much better and healthier than learning simple little hacks and tricks. Real confidence takes time to learn. It takes a lot of failing and a lot of getting back up again. Nevertheless, this is what real self-help is: sustainability and integrity.

Inner Game: The Key to Getting Good With Women and Life

A lot of self-help is B.S. and tainted by fake gurus who teach short-term tactics that make you feel good in the moment but don’t get real results. Most men who want to build their confidence are told short-sighted tips, such as work harder, be yourself or get in the right mood. The problem with this advice is not that it is entirely wrong, but there is no sense of practicality. How do we work harder? How do we be ourselves? How do we get in the right mood? 

Even worse, this doesn’t solve the confidence paradox a lot of inexperienced men have. How do we become confident when we have nothing to be confident about? 

The answer is to build a skillset. 

Develop a set of actions, mindsets and behaviors you can rely on to get you through any situation, no matter how crappy you feel. This skillset is also referred to as Inner Game, a term frequently used by dating coaches.

Img: https://unsplash.com/photos/GlGBWO0eRXA

How Does Inner Game Work?

​Having a strong Inner Game means that you’re able to act as if you are truly confident even during moments when you’re not. In fact, a lot of successful people in the world have developed their Inner Game to get to where they are. No one is ever truly fearless. A lot of us have to muster through the pain because it’s the right thing to do.

​Speaking of the right thing to do, a strong Inner Game stems from having a rigid set of values and high integrity. Let’s take meeting women in public for example. Approaching a beautiful girl at the coffee shop is relatively low risk, even though our emotions tell us we’re in danger. Our lives are not in jeopardy, and the worst outcome of approaching a girl is to be told that she’s not interested. The cost-benefit analysis of approaching is heavily weighted toward the positive since the best outcome is having a new romantic partner and the worst outcome is nothing. Seriously. A rejection won’t change anything about your life. You’re still the same dude as you were before you approached her.

​Now, a lot of men with approach anxiety will be overwhelmed by fear and self-doubt. They’ll probably pass on speaking with the cute girl and tell themselves they’ll try another day when they’re more “confident”. Considering that it’s actually counterproductive to one’s dating life to not approach someone you’re attracted to, men need to understand that passing up moments like these is the WRONG thing to do. The RIGHT thing to do would be to approach because the upside is so great.

​Now imagine if we used this “right and wrong” categorization to other aspects of our lives. If we adhered to always taking the right action no matter what mood or state we’re in, we’d see massive improvements to whatever skill we’re working on. When you’re able to detach the outcome from the action, you’ll put yourself down a path of more action taking, which is always better off than letting your emotions control you negatively. 

​And if we want to talk about emotional damage, the pain from inaction is almost always worse than the pain from taking action. 

​Don’t be the guy who regrets not saying hi to a girl. Instead, just do the right thing and train your body and mind to embody these habits. It’s gonna take some time and effort, but your future self will also thank you for your integrity.

​It’s always interesting to see how dating skills correlate with life skills. If we had a strong set of principles for ourselves that we religiously followed, a lot of us would be richer, healthier, more productive, and more confident. 

Img: https://unsplash.com/photos/94GiZLiWD8Y

Playing to Win

​Now that we know to focus on taking the right action when times get tough, we also need to improve the quality of our behaviors. Taking the right action isn’t just walking over to a girl and quietly whispering, “Excuse me…. Uh.. I think you’re cute.” It’s pretty intuitive that the chances of success are quite low with a weak approach like that.

We need to play to win. We need to be intentful and play our moves such that we can achieve the best outcome. Entering any interaction with the belief that it will go wrong will most likely end with the interaction going wrong. Your pessimism will most likely show through your actions and the dynamic will be totally off. On the other hand, if you enter an interaction knowing that the girl will like you, the chances are that this belief will convey a lot of confidence through your behaviors. A positive feedback loop will happen, and the woman’s receptive response will encourage more confident behaviors from you.

Whenever you are in a situation, orient your actions around what will get you the best results. Be present. Do whatever it takes to win. You might be wrong sometimes, but that just means that you have to change the model inside your head, correct your errors and go at it again. But to do something with failure in mind means you already failed.  

Strategy Over Tactics

It’s clear to see why having a strategy and framework to approach life is so much better and healthier than learning simple little hacks and tricks. Real confidence takes time to learn. It takes a lot of failing and a lot of getting back up again. Nevertheless, this is what real self-help is: sustainability and integrity.

About the author Patrick Banks

Patrick is a Berlin-based dating advisor, motivational speaker, a huge fitness and vegan diet enthusiast and the main editor at Wingman Magazine, specialised in men's health. His ultimate goal is to share with men around the world his passion for self-development and to help them to become the greatest version of themselves. He believes a healthy body and successful social interactions are two main keys to happiness.