There was a notion deeply ingrained in me at the time I started reading about seduction, and that was that women were something to conquer. As if they were an enemy that had to be defeated in order to get what you want. Therefore, you can imagine that for me approaching a woman was something akin to the Normandy landings of the Second World War. Not because I hated women, but because I had a hard time understanding a large part of their behaviour. Nowadays I clearly see that many states of anger arise from expecting the other to behave, feel, and think like we do. Since that is not possible, we end up believing in oversimplifications that hamper our ability to interpret reality and prevent us from overcoming obstacles.
Oversimplifications lead us to hold prejudices about the other sex. How many times have we heard women say “men only want sex, they don’t want commitment”? However, if that were so, men could stick to brothels instead of attending pubs and nightclubs, where they have to endure failure, spend a lot more money and invest more time and effort in order to sleep with a woman. A common prejudice about women is that “they have less sex drive than men”. This is a frequent remark that springs from the inability to understand women’s timing and wishes. There´s also the widely spread “all men/women are the same.” These sorts of comments foster a battle between the sexes, and we end up wasting energy on attacking the other from our trench line, instead of trying to understand them.
Another highly common mistake we fall into is that we compete instead of complementing each other. People tend to be manipulative, and they lie to take advantage of others instead of being authentic. The belief still prevails that to seduce, one must deceive and tell a woman what she wants to hear. The only thing you can accomplish like this is to start a relationship the wrong way.
This attitude is usually related to fear of rejection: fear of demonstrating interest or sexual desire for someone and being caught offside. Fear of showing ourselves like we really are, of exposing ourselves and our weaknesses. Fear of being honest.
Like we said at the beginning, many conceive the other sex as an enemy, and in order to seduce, they plan military strategies. “A frontal attack is much harder to stage than an attack from the rear”. Is this about competing or about striving for the same goal? Isn’t it that men want women and women want men? Why should we make everything so complicated?
Yet another common mistake is to believe that it is easier for the other sex to seduce. There are men who think that women have it easier, and there are many women who think men have more opportunities. There are a number of elements that induce this belief. On the one hand, because we are attracted towards the other sex, insecurity makes us feel we are at a disadvantage, and so we don’t see the exact same thing happens on the other side. On the other hand, we tend to overestimate the advantages and underestimate the disadvantages the other sex has. It is true that many women are approached by hundreds of men, but most of the times these men don’t interest them. Also, we men can approach any woman we want, at any time, without being looked down on socially.
The truth is women are just as lonely and frustrated as we are, and complain about not being able to find the right guy. It is surprising to observe how highly conditioned we are by the idea of what love should be like according to the movies. Or by social mandates that dictate which behavioural patterns and beliefs are right, an issue which heavily affects women. In fact, the level of difficulty in seducing a woman greatly depends on the society she lives in. Depending on the country we are in, how easily we pick up women varies, regardless of our “game”. A key factor is the level of sexual freedom people enjoy in a given place. As a matter of fact, when a woman is on vacation she tends to be much more permissive. Why is that? Because she can do whatever she wants and then disappear, avoiding judgments from people she knows.
In virtually all societies we find men and women who are not completely free ―they are subject to fears, repressions and mandates imposed by their society, family or religion―; we can observe the social roles that determine their behaviour. A very clear example has to do with the way we regard someone who is not in a stable relationship after a certain age. How many couples have come together because of that social pressure? How authentic can a relationship be if it is born out of a mandate? Sexual freedom is also not well regarded, especially when it comes to women, who risk seeming “sluttish” in the eyes of others.
Many times I have heard men say “I got myself a girl,” as if it was some kind of achievement or goal. Among men there’s the deeply ingrained belief that women are an object to be obtained, that we must work hard to try to get one. We elaborate ridiculous strategies or come up with lines to pick them up, as if they didn’t know what we are trying to do. As if we had to convince them of something or, as we say in Argentina, as if we were trying to chamullarlas. In fact, many men like to brag about their picking someone up through chamullos. What they are unaware of is that in most cases the woman had already singled them out and was simply playing along with them. Chamullar is not equivalent to building empathy, and the difference between these two concepts can be perceived both in the motivation behind the interaction with a woman and in its development.
Why Do We Act this Way?
The main cause of these unconstructive attitudes is worshiping women by putting them on a pedestal high above ourselves, but at the same time, resenting them. Although these actions might seem contradictory, they are actually two sides of the same coin. They both spring from a lack of female affection, which sometimes generates pain and anger or an excessive need for validation and affection from women. I was, without a doubt, one of those men in need of validation.
One of the first necessary changes of attitude, then, consists not in searching for the best way to win a woman over (in other words, to get their validation), but rather in growing as individuals. Do you have any passions or dreams, or have you always done what you were told? Are your friends people you have actually chosen? Are you fit or overweight? What kind of a relationship are you aiming for? Working on our personal development will enable us to treat women as equals; as people rather than goddesses.
Having better relationships will not result from owning the coolest phone, the newest car, or learning the best pick-up lines, but rather from having a strong attitude, a well-defined identity, and from being emotionally healthy and being able to express ourselves freely.
Increasing your interactions with women will come as a natural consequence of this personal development. It is a man´s attitude which makes him attractive: he must have an interesting life, rich not in material possessions, but in values, skills and experiences. If those elements are present, the attraction between a man and a woman will spring naturally, no-one has to be convinced of anything.
What Are Women Looking For?
Women desire men, admire men, fantasize about men, and dream about men. They want to be with us, they want us to be that guy. And by saying this I don’t mean they are looking for prince charming or the perfect man. They just want a man who makes them feel a little bit more alive. Someone who’s interesting and funny…
Is that too much to ask? Think about this: when a man or a woman spends a great amount of time and effort on something it is because they take an interest in it, right? Then why do women spend so much time on their appearance? It is well known that most women take hours to groom themselves up before going out to a pub, a party, or some other social event. A girl who looks herself in the mirror a hundred times before going out wants to meet a man who feels attracted to her, who chooses her over the others.
No woman (who is emotionally healthy, that is) wants to reject men in order to boost up her ego. Generally speaking, nobody likes having to reject someone; it brings about uncomfortable situations that we mostly try to avoid. We all have gone through that at some point, and it is no bed of roses. If a woman rejects us, it is not because she enjoys it, it is because we didn´t make her feel something special. When she finds a man who sparks a new, special feeling in her …it is then that she will overlook most of his mistakes and give him a chance. Human beings act according to how others make us feel. It could be said that every aspect of seduction is ultimately reduced to how we make a woman feel. If they don’t feel comfortable, drawn, confident, and safe, and they don’t feel a connection with us, we won’t have much chance. These are all emotions that we can ―and should― convey in an authentic and honest way. If this is not the case, sooner or later the actual motives behind the approach will surface, and the illusion will shatter.
Therefore, seduction is a two-player game. We will never pick up a girl who is not up for it.
The truth is we are not picking her up, we are picking each other up. If she doesn’t want to be with us, this will be hard to accomplish. Of course there will be times when we will be able to get someone interested even if their first reaction was to reject us, but we shouldn’t try to convince them that we are “a good catch”. We are not something she’s considering to buy. The two sexes need one another. Women are not the opposite sex, they are the complementary sex. They play on our team.
“Chamullar” is a colloquial verb of widespread use in Argentina, especially in the area of the Río de La Plata, which refers to convincing someone of something by dishonest means (i.e. lying).