“The female of the species is more deadly than the male.”
So said Rudyard Kipling more than a hundred years ago, and I am loathed to disagree with the man who wrote the Jungle Book and perhaps my favourite poem of all time ‘If-“
I have to say I do think Rudyard is overegging the pudding a tiny bit with this one. Sure I will readily agree that some women can be deadly. I’ve met more than a couple who I would drop in that category over the years. But to say all of them is, I think, exaggerating the issue a bit.
And yet it can often seem that way if your confidence is low and your luck is out. No matter what type of girl you approach and no matter what you try and say to her, sometimes it always seems to find a way to go pear shaped.
Don’t worry. It happens to all of us. It might happen when you are first starting to make your way in the dating world, or it might be when you have suffered a few knockbacks, but every guy will go through a stage when their confidence is dented and it seems hard to know what to do next.
‘Why can’t I do this (anymore)?’ you may be screaming to yourself inside.
This is not the time to panic. This is the time to take a step back and look at yourself. What isn’t working? Is it your look? Your style? What are you drinking? The topics you are talking about?
To begin with, don’t worry about solving the problem. The first step is always to identify what the problem is. Be honest with yourself. Does that lavender and orange shirt really work? Should you be drinking a small white wine? Was the conversation about Donald Trump’s hair really the best place to kick off a conversation.
When you have identified the problem, then look to resolve it. And there is a very particular reason why you must do this, which is the first of my tips.
Self-Confidence breeds Confidence
Think about it. If you aren’t comfortable with your look, or interested in your conversation why on earth is any girl, deadly or otherwise, going to be too.
So if you need to drop a few pounds… do it. Show a bit of self-discipline and you will be surprised how much the confidence comes flooding back.
If you need to bring your wardrobe kicking and screaming into the 21st century, then do it. Invest a few dollars in some threads that make you feel good about yourself.
Then make sure you are informed so you have things to talk about with girls. Put down the sports pages for a while and read a bit about current affairs, fashion, and celebrity gossip. Watch the hot TV shows and try to catch the movie of the moment (on your own if needs be). Even if all of this bores you to tears, it will be worth it if you can break the ice with that certain girl.
What all of this adds up to is a new, confident you. And if you are going to be confident talking to girls, this is vital. When you are heading off to a night in the town you need to be comfortable in your own skin, happy with the way you look and feel sure that other people will feel the same way too.
Your self-confidence can then rub off on them too.
But self-confidence alone is not the answer. Now it might seem like a rather crude analogy, but meeting girls are similar to riding a bike. Everyone can master it. Once you learn, it is a skill that never truly leaves you. But if you don’t do it (well) for a while, you can get pretty rusty at it.
So whether you are learning this for the first time or feeling a bit rusty, the second tip is the same
Now just saying practice alone and leaving it at that would be a bit of a cop-out on my part, so let me walk you through a practice strategy that I know works. There are three simple steps:
Harness the Global Connective Power of the Internet
Calm-down, I am not suggesting internet dating just yet! But the internet is a great place to practice speaking with girls without the potential for awkward social moments which can give so many of us guys the willies if confidence is low.
So why not set up a profile on a dating site and start chatting to a few girls there. It doesn’t matter if you never actually meet them. To be honest, it doesn’t really matter if you are even attracted to them. But just starting a conversation with some girls and seeing how it goes is a good way to get back in the saddle again.
Another, an arguably even better place to practice is on online “random chat” sites such as Omegle. They let you chat to random people which is an ideal way to practice. And the worst that can happen on Omegle is that they ban you, in which case getting unbanned is pretty straightforward.
In the real world, start small
Once you have the online pattern with girls down, its time to roll it out in the real world. Now the worst thing you could possibly do at this point is making a bee-line for the hottest girl in the room, or worse still the girl you have had your eye on for a while.
Start small and take it slow. Talk with people you are not attracted to first of all. Guys; the waiting staff, that girl who always plays pool but wears a Game of Thrones t-shirt, just random girls who aren’t your type.
It really doesn’t matter who, but to build the confidence you need practice, and the best way to practice with minimal risk is to start small.
The scattergun approach
As your confidence grows, you will start to feel better. And at this point, you really need to up the ante.
So this is where you turn to the scattergun approach. This basically means talking to as many girls as you can. Girls you fancy, girls you don’t fancy, girls who are with their boyfriends (be careful!), literally anyone.
What is the point of this stage? It is this stage that will push your confidence back up to where it should be. It is practice and experience of course, but it is also showing you that you can talk well to any girl and they will talk back to you. You can hold the conversation and take it anywhere you want it to go. In a word you are in control again.
So there you are, the confidence is back, you have practised under your belt and you are ready to go. So my final tip is more for when you make the move on the first girl that really matters. How do you stop it all going wrong and your confidence being thrown back to rock bottom again?
Set the scene
The first thing to say is that there are no guarantees here. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. Sometimes the girl you have picked really is ‘deadly’. But you have to have the confidence to try. And to give you the best possible chance of succeeded, you have to get the scene right.
Try to make sure you are in the right place at the right time. Trying to strike up a conversation when you are dancing right by the speakers is unlikely to work; catching her on her way to the toilet is likely to lead to a very short conversation, and interrupting a work social or hen party is also unlikely to be effective.
My other suggestion is to try and make sure it is just the two of you. Make sure your mates aren’t around and try to catch her on her own as well. This gives you the best chance of success.
Then just do your thing. Be confident. Be yourself. Don’t overcomplicate it or overthink it, just start talking.
There is no reason why it shouldn’t work. But if it doesn’t, you can walk away thinking to yourself, “well I did everything I could, but it wasn’t meant to be” or perhaps even, “wow, she really was deadly… lucky escape.”