“The female of the species is more deadly than the male.”
So said Rudyard Kipling more than a hundred years ago, and I am loathed to disagree with the man who wrote the Jungle Book and perhaps my favourite poem of all time.
I have to say I do think Rudyard is over-egging the pudding a tiny bit with this one. Sure I will readily agree that some women can be deadly. I’ve met more than a couple who I would drop in that category over the years. But to say all of them is, I think, exaggerating the issue a bit.
And yet it can often seem that way if your confidence is low and your luck is out. How to be more confident with girls? No matter what type of girl you approach and no matter what you try and say to her, sometimes it always seems to find a way to go pear shaped.
Don’t worry. It happens to all of us. It might happen when you are first starting to make your way in the dating world, or it might be when you have suffered a few knockbacks, wondering how to be more confident with girls but every guy will go through a stage when their confidence is dented and it seems hard to know what to do next.
‘Why can’t I do this (anymore)?’ you may be screaming to yourself inside.
This is not the time to panic. This is the time to take a step back and look at yourself. What isn’t working? How to be more confident with girls in your case? Is it your look? Your style? What are you drinking? The topics you are talking about?
To begin with, don’t worry about solving the problem. The first step is always to identify what the problem is. Be honest with yourself. Does that lavender and orange shirt really work? Should you be drinking a small white wine? Was the conversation about Donald Trump’s hair really the best place to kick off a conversation.
When you have identified the problem, then look to resolve it. And there is a very particular reason why you must do this, which is the first of my tips.
Self-Confidence breeds Confidence
Think about it. If you aren’t comfortable with your look, or interested in your conversation why on earth is any girl, deadly or otherwise, going to be too.
So if you need to drop a few pounds… do it. Show a bit of self-discipline and you will be surprised how much the confidence comes flooding back.
If you need to bring your wardrobe kicking and screaming into the 21st century, then do it. Invest a few dollars in some threads that make you feel good about yourself.
Then make sure you are informed so you have things to talk about with girls. Put down the sports pages for a while and read a bit about current affairs, fashion, and celebrity gossip. How to be more confident with girls? Watch the hot TV shows and try to catch the movie of the moment (on your own if needs be). Even if all of this bores you to tears, it will be worth it if you can break the ice with that certain girl.
How to be more confident with girls?
What all of this adds up to is a new, confident you. And if you are going to be confident talking to girls, this is vital. When you are heading off to a night in the town you need to be comfortable in your own skin, happy with the way you look and feel sure that other people will feel the same way too.
Your self-confidence can then rub off on them too.
But self-confidence alone is not the answer. Now it might seem like a rather crude analogy, but meeting girls are similar to riding a bike. Everyone can master it. Once you learn, it is a skill that never truly leaves you. But if you don’t do it (well) for a while, you can get pretty rusty at it.
So whether you are learning this for the first time or feeling a bit rusty, the second tip is the same
Now just saying practice alone and leaving it at that would be a bit of a cop-out on my part, so let me walk you through a practice strategy that I know works. There are three simple steps:
Harness the Global Connective Power of the Internet
Calm-down, I am not suggesting internet dating just yet! But the internet is a great place to practice speaking with girls without the potential for awkward social moments which can give so many of us guys the willies if confidence is low.
So why not set up a profile on a dating site and start chatting to a few girls there. It doesn’t matter if you never actually meet them. To be honest, it doesn’t really matter if you are even attracted to them. But just starting a conversation with some girls and seeing how it goes is a good way to get back in the saddle again.
Another, an arguably even better place to practice is on online “random chat” sites such as Omegle. They let you chat to random people which is an ideal way to practice. And the worst that can happen on Omegle is that they ban you, in which case getting unbanned is pretty straightforward.
In the real world, start small
Once you have the online pattern with girls down, its time to roll it out in the real world. Now the worst thing you could possibly do at this point is making a bee-line for the hottest girl in the room, or worse still the girl you have had your eye on for a while.
Start small and take it slow. Talk with people you are not attracted to first of all. Guys; the waiting staff, that girl who always plays pool but wears a Game of Thrones t-shirt, just random girls who aren’t your type.
It really doesn’t matter who, but to build the confidence you need practice, and the best way to practice with minimal risk is to start small.
The scattergun approach
As your confidence grows, you will start to feel better. And at this point, you really need to up the ante.
So this is where you turn to the scattergun approach. This basically means talking to as many girls as you can. Girls you fancy, girls you don’t fancy, girls who are with their boyfriends (be careful!), literally anyone.
What is the point of this stage? It is this stage that will push your confidence back up to where it should be. It is practice and experience of course, but it is also showing you that you can talk well to any girl and they will talk back to you. You can hold the conversation and take it anywhere you want it to go. In a word you are in control again.
So there you are, the confidence is back, you have practised under your belt and you are ready to go. So my final tip is more for when you make the move on the first girl that really matters. How do you stop it all going wrong and your confidence being thrown back to rock bottom again?
Set the scene
The first thing to say is that there are no guarantees here. Sometimes it just isn’t meant to be. Sometimes the girl you have picked really is ‘deadly’. But you have to have the confidence to try. And to give you the best possible chance of success, you have to get the scene right.
Try to make sure you are in the right place at the right time. Trying to strike up a conversation when you are dancing right by the speakers is unlikely to work; catching her on her way to the toilet is likely to lead to a very short conversation, and interrupting a work social or hen party is also unlikely to be effective.
My other suggestion is to try and make sure it is just the two of you. Make sure your mates aren’t around and try to catch her on her own as well. This gives you the best chance of success.
Then just do your thing. Be confident. Be yourself. Don’t overcomplicate it or overthink it, just start talking.
There is no reason why it shouldn’t work. But if it doesn’t, you can walk away thinking to yourself, “well I did everything I could, but it wasn’t meant to be” or perhaps even, “wow, she really was deadly… lucky escape.”
How to Use NLP Anchoring Techniques to Become More Confident
How to be more confident with girls using NLP ? Here you are.
Maybe you think, like most guys, that by acquiring the right objects or qualities in life you will eventually become more confident. Nothing could be more wrong than that!
The truth is: oftentimes it doesn’t matter if you are mediocre looking, or conversely, have the posture of a supermodel. It doesn’t matter if your bank account is constantly empty or if you could make bathroom wallpaper from $500 bills. If you are wondering about how to be more confident with girls, forget about the above coinstraints.
Life circumstances don’t affect your confidence as much as most people believe. Your physique, degree, clothes, and car, are all only part of your surface appearance. These traits can sometimes make life easier, or quite the opposite — attract superficial people who are only after your looks, money, etc. The long-term key to self-confidence lays somewhere else.
Confidence is something that comes from deep inside us and either brightens or dims our actions and interactions with the world. You decide if your inner energy works to your advantage or stops you from achieving your potential.
Look deep inside yourself
Wondering how to be more confident with girls? Before noticing them, notice yourself. If you want to boost your confidence, you have to look deep inside yourself. More specifically — your brain. This is the tool that either makes you a confident person or not. And there are great mental tools to accelerate your brain power to shape your thoughts and actions in a confident way. One of them is NLP.
NLP, or Neuro-Linguistic Programming, is a psychological approach to understanding and thereby influencing our thoughts. It has various benefits in therapy, from boosting one’s confidence to having better social understanding and interactions.
While some studies have disputed the efficacy of NLP, various studies have shown that it does work. NLP uses the VAK model (Visual, Auditory, Kinaesthetic) to understand how our brain receives input, and if we can control the input, then of course, we can control the output. The iNLP Center explains this in more detail here.
We as humans are predominantly either visual, auditory, or kinaesthetic. To use NLP in your quest to become more confident you need to decide, based on your previous experiences, which of these groups you belong to. Usually we intuitively know which factors are the strongest for us — what we see, what we hear, or what we feel from our surroundings — but oftentimes it also shows in the language we tend to use!
A person who is visual would say ‘I see what you mean’ while a kinaesthetic person might say ‘I feel where you are coming from’. It’s not that they’re really seeing or feeling, but that’s how they process information. In NLP we seek to understand the person so that we can communicate better by reflecting their language.
And furthermore in applying NLP techniques to your life, language should be the aspect you work on. Language is the software that our brains use. In fact, even our language shapes the way we think.
Our brain processes information through the sensory information it receives then applies its own biases and thinking processes. In NLP we basically hack those thinking processes so that negative inputs are not equal to negative outputs. More simply we teach your brain to think in more constructive and positive ways, over time creating a better image of yourself in your head.
How to be more confident with girls? Understand where the lack of confidence is coming from
Let’s say you wake up in the morning with someone shouting at you — that’s negative audio input that is going to probably upset you for most of the day. Hey, things are going to happen that we will have no control over. The point of NLP is not to punch the person making the negative input, even though you might really want to, but to control how that input is received and processed.
For many of us, negative talk happened a lot during childhood, from parents, peers, or teachers. Sometimes bad experiences in life or comparing yourself to other people (which usually can only go wrong!). In case you are wondering how to be more confident with girls, learning to stop giving a fuck what other people think is a good step.
Maybe your natural negative tendencies in your brain thated an inner enemy that sabotages positive images of ourself, and stops us from fully trusting our capacities. All these bad experiences and insecurities become self fulfilling prophecies, making us feel like we already know the action was going to fail. And with that attitude it will!
When you openly ask the universe to fail, and you don’t believe in yourself, a failure is likely what you will get from life. It’s time to change, little by little, for good.
Most of us already know the Pavlov’s dogs story. This Russian scientist had an affinity for dogs and by training them he observed some mechanisms applied later in the modern psychology. Right before feeding his dogs he would ring a bell and then proceed to feed them. He repeated this long enough before starting to realize that the dogs would start to salivate just by hearing the bell – he effectively anchored the sound of the bell to food.
But what is the reference to how to be more confident with girls? Human brain works in a similar way, associating certain actions with the others. In NLP, such process called ‘anchoring’ can be a life-saver. Using this technique, you can re-wire your brain and instantly boost your confidence (and salivate if you so desire). Thanks to Pavolov’s little discovery you can repeat the process without having to eat any dog food.
The Anchoring Procedure
The process is a simple one, and we will go through it right here in a moment. One word of advice; anchoring is not something that works on the first try, you need to commit yourself to do this and set adequate time aside to go through the process. No pain no gain! But it’s so much worth the effort. You will essentially be re-wiring years of bad programming in your brain so do not give up, keep at it and you will make progress.
First step: Choose your frame-of-mind.
Identify a situation where you want to feel more resourceful. It can be your social interactions, speaking loud your point at the university, conversations with women, job interview or a tennis match. Wherever you feel you could do much more than you are doing at the moment because something inside you is blocking you.
Instead of focusing on how to be more confident with girls and how it could go wrong or blaming yourself anyhow choose the feeling you want in such situation. For example “unshakeable confidence” while smiling to a cute passing women or “absolute certainty” when speaking loud your point in a work discussion.
Recall a time when you experienced the state when you felt confident. Find a comfortable place where you will not be disturbed and focus on an event that made you feel confident or imagine how you would feel in a confident state. What are your thoughts, how do you see colors? What do you hear? Taste? Feel? Next, adjust your posture to match the state focusing on shoulders, back, legs, and head. Maintain your focus for as long as you can, absorbing everything you feel.
Second step: Intensify
Once you have nailed it down, intensify the state, make it ten times bigger, drill down to as much detail as you can, with each passing moment, boosting your confidence even more. Feel every muscle as you allow your new found super-confidence to wash over you, making you even more confident which each passing second.
Third step: Set the anchor
Once you’re at the pinnacle of confidence, it is time to set the anchor. An anchor can be something you smell, hear, see, or feel. Make it unique enough that you will not encounter it in your daily life yet inconspicuous and mobile enough that you can carry it and use it in public, such as touching a particular spot, using a nasal spray, or a music track you wouldn’t hear in public. Like Nickelback.
To actually set the anchor we need to associate the state of high confidence with the anchor so whilst at the pinnacle of the state, activate your chosen anchor – for example drawing together your index and thumb.
When anchoring, you are essentially anchoring the heightened state of confidence to the sensory input of your choice. Once you have effectively anchored the state with the anchor, whenever you need a boost in confidence all you need to do is to perform the anchor and you’re golden.
Like anything else, consistent practice is key to give it time, and your new found confidence will be shooting you to stardom it no time. Little by little get out of your comfort zone in everyday situations.
Speak openly and loud when you feel like, in situations where before your insecurities would have kept you in silence. Everyday is a new day, and treat it as an opportunity to grow and move one step further towards the confident and happy person you want and CAN be.