If you met me today, you’d probably see a happy, smiling guy chatting with a bunch of people around him. I bet, hidden beneath this social butterfly, you’d never recognize the quiet and shy, introverted guy I used to be…
Introversion is a term coined by CG Jung and was used in his work on psychological types. In contrast to being open to the outside world, introverts turn to their own inner world.
Social interactions used to cost me a lot of energy before I developed my unique dating tips for introverts. I was jealous of extroverts who felt energized interacting with people, because I always needed a lot of time on my own to recover after social situation.
We live in a crazy world dominated by social networking sites, where people willingly give up every scrap of their privacy. From schools and companies to work in open spaces, everywhere you go there’s less anonymity.
Every day there’s less room for solitude. Solitude doesn’t equal loneliness, quite the opposite, it’s something positive and desired for introverts.
Even though the world is tailored for extroverts, being an introvert isn’t that uncommon. Studies show that introverts comprise 30 to 50% of our population!
I’m an introvert and I like it.
I’m a great listener and observer, making me a great friend and perceptive. Writing a blog helped me learn how to express my emotions. It took a lot of practice and hard work to become more social around women and develop a few great dating tips for introverts. It’s not something that’s accomplished overnight. It’s a process of enriching your personality and takes place with many small steps.
Eventually, I missed other people and I thought it would be easier for me if I were more social… I was a guy who could enter and exit a room without being noticed… I didn’t want it to be this way! No matter how unique the world inside my head is, it’s not a place where I can find a real girlfriend…
Before I give tips on how you as an introvert can improve your dating skills, I’d like to make you aware of the huge advantages you have attracting women.
Dating tips for introverts: An Introvert’s Rise in the Dating Scene
1) Most women appreciate taking things slow
Most women will appreciate your need to take things more slowly to establish a deeper relationship.
2) Low risk of appearing needy
You may want someone’s company but you feel good enough in your own skin that you don’t actually NEED it. Since you feel your best in solitude you appear less needy, the worst mistake any man can make when trying to attract women.
3) You have lots of interests
Introvert’s enjoy introspective activities like writing, reading, drawing and messing around. You like spending time on your own and you’re selective with who you interact. Your time’s too valuable for others to waste on nonsense.
4) You appear more challenging
A guy who isn’t overly active on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest or any other social media platforms appears more mysterious. Girls like a challenge and discovering more about a man step by step. If you’re selective with what you share online, you’re less likely to have something that might fuck things up ☺
5) You’re a good and attentive listener
I don’t have to explain how much women like to be listened to! They may be attracted to talkative men, initially, but after a while they get bored.
6) You have more interesting things to say
You say less, but you actually have things to say. Your evenings spent alone reading or just thinking about what you experience makes you a more interesting conversationalist, when you finally open your mouth. Work on expanding your horizons and trying new things to become an even more interesting person.
7) New Dating Attitudes Work To Your Benefit
Women’s rights and changing dating attitudes favor introverted men. Women don’t have to wait until you make a move and often make the first move.
Even though it’s socially acceptable for women to make the first move there’s a chance your crush is actually waiting for you to come over. Let me tell you how with my bulletproof dating tips for introverts you can use your assets and attract women without changing your personality type.
How to Unlock Your Charisma as an Introvert
It’s no big mystery…most men understand that being charismatic is critical for getting ahead in life. Whether it’s building your business, getting that promotion or sparking those first feelings of attraction…charisma will help you A LOT.
But for most of us, being charismatic is easier said than done, right?
It’s a delicate balance. The nuts and bolts of coming across as a charismatic, in-control man aren’t obvious.
It’s a complex topic that’s not easy to grasp.
But if you are an introvert, becoming a charismatic badass seems even harder and maybe even unattainable.
Which is exactly why so many of my clients ask me: “Nick, how exactly can I become more charismatic as an introvert?”
In this article, I’m going to show you how introversion is an advantage in developing your charisma.
Did you know some of the most charismatic people on the planet are introverts?
Don’t believe me?
Let me prove it to you.
Most people would agree that President John F. Kennedy was one of the most charismatic men ever, right?
Guess what? He was an introvert!
Want more proof?
- Thomas Jefferson
- James Madison
- John Quincy Adams
- Abraham Lincoln
- Woodrow Wilson
- Calvin Coolidge
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
- John F. Kennedy
- Richard Nixon
- Barack Obama
Alright, now that I’ve proven to you that introversion and charisma are not exclusive, let’s take a look at…
What Exactly Is Charisma?
According to Wikipedia, the term “charisma” refers to compelling attractiveness or charm that can inspire devotion in others.
My definition of charisma is this: Charisma is the ability to inspire others without selling to them.
A charismatic man is a man with purpose, passion and charm.
Most charismatic badasses have a cause. That cause is their purpose. It’s the fire in their belly.
It’s what fuels their passion and inspires them.
When they talk about their cause, they’re so inspired that others become inspired too.
Their passion and inspiration is so strong, they don’t even need to sell people on their cause. Just the way they talk about it is enough for others to get inspired as well.
When you listen to a charismatic person talk, you can’t help but think: “I’m in. I want to be a part of this!”
But it’s more than just purpose and passion. Charismatic people know how to charm you.
Therefore, you could say that charisma is strategic charm on a mission.
In my opinion, it’s crucial that you learn how to develop your charisma.
If you develop your charisma, you’ll get more of what you want in life.
More success. More control. More influence.
But it’s about even more than that.
You’ll also attract great people into your life. And they will want to have relationships with you. Whether it’s business relationships, friendships or romantic relationships—if you are charismatic, you get it all.
If you’re not, then you’ll miss out on a lot of good things in life.
The Mechanism Of Charisma
So how exactly does charisma help you with all these things? What’s the mechanism behind it that makes it work?
First off, charisma is something that’s highly valued, but poorly understood.
We are fascinated with what we don’t understand.
Because we don’t understand it, we think that people with charisma are born like that.
That makes us even more fascinated by charismatic people.
Also, charismatic people give us a vision and a sense of purpose. That, in turn, gives us a feeling of safety and security.
Because of all of that, we want to be around charismatic people. That’s why they are so popular. That’s why they get all those business opportunities. That’s why they are so well-connected to other great people. That’s why they have such great friendships. That’s why men and women are so attracted to them.
So how do you develop charisma as an introvert?
I wish it was as easy as reading one blogpost.
Truth is, you need more than just one article to teach you how to develop your charisma.
So, while I can’t teach you everything in this post, I’d like to share with you the essence of charisma. The heart of it.
Because once you understand that, you can start working on the essentials and develop your charisma from within.
I know that as a reader of Wingman, you love actionable tips you can implement instantly.
So, on top of the inner game of charisma, I’ll also give you three techniques that you can use to appear more charismatic right away.
Let’s start with the inner game of charisma first
In my research about charisma I found that charismatic badasses have three key attributes: self-knowledge, self-acceptance and self-assurance.
They know themselves. They accept themselves. They are sure of themselves.
And it comes in that order.
First, you understand yourself. Only once you truly understand yourself can you accept yourself.
And from that self-acceptance comes a lot of your self-assuredness.
Socrates already figured out that self-knowledge was important.
And his prized student, Plato, even said that self-deception is the worst thing of all.
Now, Plato lived sometime between 437 and 347 BC.
In those days, there were some horrible things in the world. The plague, getting crucified, getting killed by swords or spears, etc.
Some pretty horrible stuff, wouldn’t you agree?
Yet he said self-deception was the worst of all.
If you want to be more charismatic, the first thing you must do is to get to know yourself and accept yourself.
When you know yourself and accept yourself, you’ll feel grounded.
Nobody will ever be able to tell you something you didn’t already know about yourself.
And no matter what other people do or tell you, no matter what hype is out there, you’ll know what you really want and you won’t be influenced by it.
That brings you tons of self-assuredness.
And here’s the beauty of it.
As an introvert, that comes more easily to you.
Introverts introspect much more than extroverts do. As a result, introverts know themselves much better than extroverts do.
That’s why so many introverts have an advantage over extroverts in developing their charisma.
The power that comes with this can’t be understood just by talking about it. It must be experienced.
That’s why I have an exercise for you that will help you experience what it’s like.
I call it the “why?” game.
Exercise 1 : Why game
Here’s how it works.
Take a pen and paper and list your goals, your values, important decisions you’ve made, your activities, etc.
Then take each item on your sheet of paper and ask yourself: “Why?”
Why is that important to me? Keep asking until you can’t go any deeper.
Then ask yourself: “Is that really it? Is that the real reason? Or is there something else that I don’t want to admit to myself?“
Keep digging and digging and digging.
If you do that for all the items on your sheet, you’ll start to see a pattern.
You’ll start to see your real motivation and your core values.
Once you are clear on that, just accept yourself.
Accept yourself with your strengths and your weaknesses.
You’ll feel so grounded after you’ve done that exercise, and the feeling of being grounded will fuel your self-assuredness.
Exercise 2 : President Kennedy’s Trick
Here’s another exercise you can do to boost your self-assuredness.
This is something that President Kennedy did.
From now on, I’d like you to write down every compliment you get.
Each and every day that you get a compliment, just write it down in a book or in a Word document – for the rest of your life.
By doing that, you send a strong message to your subconscious. The message says: I’m awesome!
Each time you write down a compliment and each time you read through your book of compliments, you’ll be reminded of how awesome you actually are.
That’s priceless for your self-esteem and self-assuredness.
Now that we’ve touched on some inner game stuff to develop your charisma, let’s have a look at three techniques you can use to instantly appear more charismatic.
Most people will blink more often when they are in the presence of their superiors. They’ll even blink more when they’re in the presence of someone of the opposite sex that they think is out of their league.
That’s a problem because the more you blink, the lower your status appears to be.
And status is required to be charismatic.
In fact, if you come across as a lower-status person, you simply can’t be charismatic.
By the way, I’m not talking about how much money you have or your social status.
I’m talking about your perceived social status. I’m talking about your self-image.
Your own perceived status level compared to others will determine the level of tension you feel around others. People feel more tension and are less comfortable with tension when in the presence of people that they perceive to be of a higher social status.
One of the ways we release tension is by blinking our eyes. When you blink a lot, people will unconsciously see you as weaker and lower status. This, in turn, kills your charisma.
So, just by training yourself to blink less, you’ll instantly be higher-status and appear more charismatic.
Here’s a fun exercise. Look at movies with famous actors and look at their blink rate. Pick movies in which they play high-status characters. Then look at how often they blink. Compare them to lower-status characters in the movie. You’ll notice that the higher-status characters blink a lot less than the lower-status ones.
Actors are trained in these subtle signals. They know what a powerful effect they have on our perception of their status levels.
Good actors to look for are Leonardo DiCaprio, Denzel Washington, or any James Bond movie.
How does this relate to introversion?
Controlling your blinking requires you to be more in control of your internal state.
And as an introvert you are more in contact with your inner world, which makes it easier for you to control this.
Learn how to warm-read people
Cold reading is when you say something about someone you don’t know.
This is what mentalists and psychics do. They tell you something about yourself without knowing you.
Warm reading is the opposite. It’s when you say something about someone that you already know.
For example, let’s say one of your friends asks you if the latest new movie with Leonardo DiCaprio is a good movie.
Let’s say it was a movie about politics and influence, and let’s say your friend likes to be in control.
You could say, “You should see that movie. You’re someone who values influence and who likes be in control, so you’d like it a lot.”
Just the fact that you say something like that about them makes you instantly more charismatic.
I recently had an argument with my ex. We were on the phone discussing stuff about the children. We didn’t agree with each other, and things got a bit heated.
At some point in the discussion, I brought up the fact that she wanted to move to another city. And I told her this: “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You are a family person and if you move to another city, you won’t be close to your family anymore. And I think you’ll feel lonely very quickly.” The minute I said that, the tone of the conversation changed.
The reason it works so well is because it shows that you are perceptive and that you care.
Not many people do that these days.
And it doesn’t have to be complicated. It’s really simple.
Here’s another example.
Let’s say you go to your regular restaurant and you like meat.
Now, let’s compare two situations.
In the first situation, the chef comes to your table and says: “I gave you extra meat.”
You would like that, wouldn’t you? Of course you would. It makes you feel valued and special.
Now, let’s imagine that he comes to your table and says: “I know you like meat a lot, so I gave you extra meat.”
Which one makes you feel more special?
The last one, of course.
Even though he just added one sentence! He said: “I know you like meat a lot.”
That warm read made him more charming.
Exercise 3: Warm Reads
Here’s an exercise to help you start out with warm reads.
- Make a list of five people that you see on a regular basis.
- For each of them, write down three warm reads you could make about their personality.
- Next, pick out one warm read per person.
- Every day, give one warm read to just one of those five people.
Here’s a structure you can use for warm reads.
“I know you are X, so…Y”
For example: “I know you like fiction a lot, so I think you’ll really enjoy that book.”
It can also be something work-related, i.e.: “I know you like to be creative, so I think you’ll get a kick out of this project. Enjoy yourself.”
Again, this is much easier to do for introverts because introverts are very thoughtful and aware of their surroundings.
Learn to listen the right way
Most people only listen to the words that other people say, and they then react to those words. The problem with that is that people don’t feel understood. You are just another face in the crowd that’s having a politely detached conversation with them.
For example, let’s say you greet someone by saying: “Hey, how are you?” and the person says, “I’m fine, thanks, how are you?” and you can hear in their voice that they’re not really doing fine.
If you don’t address that emotion, but instead just reply with, “I’m fine too, have a nice day”, it was not a charismatic conversation.
But if instead, you respond with: “Are you sure? Because you don’t sound like everything is fine”, BOOM! You instantly became more charismatic and charming.
You spotted their emotion and addressed their emotion.
Now, of course, you still need to be socially calibrated. I mean, in some situations, even if you spotted that, you wouldn’t bring it up. For example, if the person was with other people, they might not want you to probe like that.
I think you get the point.
When talking to people, you want to listen for their emotions and not just to their words.
By doing that, you’re able to connect with them on an emotional level.
This instantly makes you more charismatic.
So how do you do it?
It’s actually quite simple.
In your next conversations, ask yourself: “What is this person feeling right now?” Then speak to their emotions instead of to their words.
Again, as an introvert this comes more easily to you because introverts are usually good listeners and thoughtful people.
Charisma is something that is highly valued, but poorly understood.
Most people think that charisma is not for introverts, while introversion is actually an advantage to developing charisma.
That’s because introverts introspect more, know themselves better and are more sensitive to other people’s emotions.
Developing charisma is as much about your inner psychology as it is about the techniques you use.
Three techniques you can use to instantly boost your charisma are blinking less, using warm reads, and speaking to people’s emotions.
The most important things you need to develop to become more charismatic are your self-knowledge, your self-acceptance and your self-assuredness.
Self-assuredness or self-confidence is crucial in this.
If you want to know more about how to build charismatic confidence or if you want 100 more tips like the three you’ve just read, I’ve included a bonus package for you in my bio below. Check it out now.
How to Attract and Date Women When You’re an Introvert?
Stick to Places That Feel Good
Introverts don’t like large groups, noisy places or pointless small talk. And that’s fine! Don’t force yourself to hang out in these kinds of places. If noise in a club makes you anxious, it doesn’t matter how many girls there are to attract, you’ll look like a scared child.
If it isn’t your environment don’t go there to meet women. It won’t work out because you won’t be relaxed, confident or open to meeting new people.
If you like quiet places, that’s all right. You can meet a girl in a coffee shop, library or at the gym! Give her a smile. If she smiles back, look for an opportunity to talk to her. If she chooses to meet you somewhere you like, it shows that you share some interests. Plus, girls are less judgmental towards guys who meet them in quiet places rather than a smoky bar or a club.
Find a Hobby That’s Social
Find people in your area with similar interests. Are you a bookworm? Join a local book club or go to a poetry reading. Do you like playing video games? Go to game conventions.
Do you like drawing? Go take some classes where people draw together in a large group. It’ll be easier to expand your social circle with people who share your passion. Introverts show extraordinary creativity and concentration skills. You’ll meet girls with the same sensibilities as you.
You should definitely consider joining Toastmasters (there’s a club in almost every city). It’s a club of regular people who come together 1-4 times a month to practice public speaking. The topic of your speech is totally up to you and the people in the clubs are very nice and polite, so if you have stage fright, you can be sure there won’t be any harsh feedback, because everyone’s there for the same reason. This might be a big step for some introverted folks, but it’s definitely worth the work!
Practice Chatting With Strangers
Start small. Coming over to talk to a pretty girl at a bar or going into a circle of unknown people and inserting yourself into the conversation requires advanced social skills. To become more social around women, you need to learn how to expand your comfort zone, slowly.
Master chatting with girls you’re unfamiliar with and save your new skills for people you want to get to know later. Use every opportunity you have for training. You don’t have to start out talking to a beautiful girl, chat with any girl, the girl making your coffee or waiting next to you for the bus. Use parties or meals with friends as an opportunity to talk to people who’re in your circle but you don’t know well.
Don’t Get Overwhelmed by People Who Speak Too Much
Remember the saying: “barking dogs seldom bite?” Never let yourself believe that people who speak too much have more to say, because it’s not true. I think people who speak loudly and talk a lot must think of their voices as some music we all must hear, unfortunately…
Really chatty people are usually by no means the most interesting people in the world. I’m sure you have at least as much as they do to say. It’s high time for you to believe that you do too!
Introversion Is Not Shyness
Being focused on your inner world isn’t the same as being shy, and it’s not related to any insecurities. I was annoyed when people confused being introverted with being shy. They are two different things. Shyness is conditioned by fear of social criticism; introversion is the human response to social stimulation. Some people need a whole range of stimulation, while others prefer living a peaceful, muted life.
Change Your Conversation Behavior
Nothing motivates more than positive feedback. Try to incorporate behaviors likeable people use to interact with others when you interact with women.
Speak loud and clear so people don’t have to struggle to understand you. It also demonstrates your confidence to them.
Smile a lot. There’s no person in the world who doesn’t like an honest smile. Practice smiling in front of the mirror until you’re comfortable and it looks natural.
When you talk to a girl ask open-ended questions so the conversation doesn’t get stuck on “yes” or “no” responses, and follow the conversation. It’ll pleasantly boost her ego.
Don’t Overestimate Beautiful Girls
Be aware that girls have their own worlds full of fears and complexes. She might be great and still be really shy. Never think that someone is out of your league. If you think that you’ve already lost. Girls feel self-doubt subconsciously.
Stop Controlling Yourself All the Time
Many people need alcohol or drugs to become confident around women. Why is this? They’re simply eliminating the block inside their heads that makes them control themselves all the time.
Switch off this self-censorship because it’s useless. Simply enjoy being with girls, without questioning everything you say a million times. Don’t be afraid of silence. Once you accept that during your interactions you may experience silence, it won’t be so hard to endure.