Why Am I So Lonely?

By Marzena Bielecka

Posted 5 years agoGROWTH

why am i so lonley

Do you find yourself sometime painfully alone, even when people surround you? If your answer is yes, this is an article for you.

How do you overcome feelings of loneliness?

Everyone feels lonely sometimes and there’s nothing wrong with that. But if these feelings consume you and follow you everywhere, even in the company of other people, something has to change.

Sometimes in life there are situations when feeling lonely is normal—when you lose somebody that’s close to you or when you are grieving the loss of some other relationship. However, when loneliness becomes an overwhelming feeling that keeps you from happiness and from being who you want to be, it becomes unhealthy.

Sometimes even when family and friends surround you, you can still feel completely alone asking yourself ‘why am I so lonely?’ You may get the impression that nobody really understands you, and that everyone else is happy and living the lives they want. If this crushing sense of loneliness comes to you out of the blue for no particular reason, then keep reading.

Why am I so lonley

If you are feeling lonely for no particular reason, you probably don’t understand these five things:

1. Alone doesn’t have to mean lonely

I really believe that loneliness is a state of mind that comes from within, a sort of soul sickness, that doesn’t have a lot to do with external circumstances. Some people can be totally alone in a rural area and feel tranquil and complete. On the other end of the spectrum, there are people that can live in an overcrowded city, have over 500 Facebook friends, work in a place full of people, and feel absolutely lonely.

There is a significant difference between being alone and being lonely. Most of the difference depends on your attitude towards whatever situation you may be in. You have to accept that being alone with yourself is an important part of life. It’s okay to be alone, even if it’s been a while, it doesn’t have to make you feel uncomfortable. Feeling bad about being alone is your CHOICE.

Imagine this situation. It’s Friday night, you’re home alone, and there isn’t anything going on, nobody has called you. You called your best friend, but today he’s going out with his girlfriend. You’re not involved with anyone at the moment, and so you start to feel lonely…You could waste some time on Facebook or playing video games, or finally you may end up sitting miserably on the couch feeling unhappy and desperately lonely.

Think of your situation positively, like this: “I don’t have plans and it’s Friday. Seems like everyone else is doing something fun. That’s awesome! Now what am I going to do myself fun. Tonight’s my night!’ You turn on your favorite music, take a nice bath, cook or order some take out.  Maybe you’re always complaining that you don’t have enough time, then you should use being alone to your advantage and get some things done or whatever else you want.

Do you see the difference between those situations? The first person felt lonely, the second one CHOSE TO BE HAPPY ALONE. The external circumstances didn’t change at all.

2. Be your own best friend

You have to believe that there is no better companion than yourself. Who knows you better? Who understands your needs better than you? You have all that’s needed to be your own best friend. And you better like yourself because you are going to spend a lot of time with this person inside you!

Often feeling lonely has a lot to do with your self-acceptance. You have to work on ways to boost your self-esteem. Take some time and think about, or even write down some positive traits that you possess.Maybe you have a good sense of humor or relate to people easily?  Try the small steps method and take a couple minutes each day to focus on positive affirmation sand the goodness you bring to those around you.

loneliness, Why am I so lonley

3. Better alone than with bad company

Treat being alone as a personal choice. Be confident with your situation when you are alone. Sure, you may see people together in a restaurant or the movies while you are sitting alone, but who cares! Perhaps, you wanted to go there because they had the best steaks or you wanted to watch the latest movie from your favorite director. Will the steak taste terribly or will the movie be boring because you were alone? Of course not!

There is nothing wrong with doing things alone. I would say the more often the better! Believe me, after you’ve been alone for a while, you’ll find it much easier to meet people than you would have if you were with someone. When you are confident being alone you become more attractive for people to socialize with. When you look and feel happy inside, you send out positive vibrations and  you  automatically become more attractive to others.

4. Get comfortable with being alone

Being able to be happy when you are alone is an integral part of self-improvement. Sometimes we are so busy with school, work and everyday life that when we are alone, we feel that something is wrong.

Look at hermits, monks, and religious gurus; they all walk their spiritual paths alone, making it a source of pride and a source of their wisdom. Practice being alone as well! Try spending some quality time alone focusing only on you every day and see what happens. You can find joy spending time with just yourself.

Lonley bench

5. Take a break from your online life

Last but not least, you should switch off your virtual life. Nowadays it’s easy to create our own double life. We can easily sign up anonymously on all kinds of forums, support groups and social networks. But if you’ve read this article so far, you probably feel lonely in REAL life, so focus on it more. I don’t underestimate Internet relationships. They are very typical these days. But if you feel lonely despite having 500 Facebook friends, it means that you should probably focus on developing REAL human relationships.

I suggest limiting the time you spend commenting, chatting, and viewing pictures of people you don’t really know. Make a list of the people whose relationship you really value and bring something important to your life. Spend quality time with them and stop wasting time in the virtual world.

These days it’s really easy to forget what’s important in life—maintaining valuable relationships with people and focusing on your most important relationship, your relationship with yourself. Take care of your needs and focus on self-improvement, and you will always feel comfortable and happy being alone.

About the author Marzena Bielecka

Marzena Bielecka is a Berlin based surrealist painter, self-development writer, nature lover and travelling addict. In her free time she mostly likes lying on the grass and looking up at the sky. At Wingman Magazine she shares her thoughts on mind expanding. You can follow her art on Instagram .@marzena.biel

22 thoughts on “Why Am I So Lonely?

  1. This is a fantastic article! I especially like your distinction between alone and lonely, very true!

  2. This is all horrible advice if your loneliness is stemming from something like depression btw. Not bashing the article, but she doesn’t mention that at all.

    Your choice? You can’t always choose to be happy man. If no matter what you do, you have prevailing feelings of loneliness, then go talk to a psychologist, because that could mean you have deeper issues. If you take this advice when that’s the problem, you’re going to end up blaming yourself for your own mental illnesses. Just a heads up for readers.

    1. Kris – My thoughts exactly! This article is so far out of touch with reality. In most cases it is depression.

  3. 1. I know this already. There are plenty of times when i’m alone and not lonely. However, I can’t just magically choose my thoughts and emotions, and the implication that anyone can just flip a positivity switch in their head if they stop being so lazy and self-aggrandizing is an insult to people suffering issues like anxiety disorders, bipolar disorder, and depression. Also, you treat being alone as an isolated incident, but some people feel lonely because they are alone all of the time.

    2. Studies have shown that positive affirmations actually make some people feel even worse.

    3. See 1.

    4. See 1.

    5. Disabling your account on the website your few real-life friends use to organise events probably isn’t going to help. I do not know a single person who has facebook friends who they don’t really know in real life. Not to mention that if people are lonely enough to read articles like this one, they probably don’t HAVE the dozens of friends to spend quality time with 24/7 in the first place!

  4. Ah, going to have to agree with Lars here. My self esteem appears to be fine as I really think quite well of myself and I don’t think I’m being self-aggrandising; I spend an awful lot of time alone but enjoy a lot of it (I feel more lonely in company than I do alone), and I’m going to have to fight this ‘be your own best friend!’ business because I guess I already am…it’s just that I’m the only person I’m close to and as much as I would like to be entirely self reliant, apparently I am not.

    Even when we can see all kinds of nice compassionate things to ourselves, I think it is human nature to want to feel that someone else cares too. My problem is not really understanding how to be with others, I am too used to being alone.

  5. It is great to read Marzena’s article and see her paintings which are illustrating the topic of loneliness.
    I am doing research on loneliness and would like to use one of Marzena’s paintings as a ground of poster to be presented during scientific meeting. Is it possible? If yes, let me know the rules in accordance to the author’s copyright.

  6. “I don’t have plans…. That’s awesome…. Tonight’s my night!” These things get old after a while. I’m so tired of it. Oh, I should just be choosing to be happy instead?? My mistake!

  7. Judging by her picture, the author probably has no clue what it is like to be lonely and unwanted, esp by the opposite sex.

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