Ghosting Doesn’t Work, Try Being Honest Instead

By Carmel Jones

Posted 3 years agoDATING


Guys and gals, we need to talk about modern day dating! There’s always a right way to go about things. Performed well, your dating history, no matter how long or in-depth, can play a positive role in your next adventure. Your reputation with the opposite sex will do you proud and perhaps lead you to new waters where you’re free to dive in and explore.

Unfortunately, there are plenty of young (and old) single guys out there that, for some reason or another, find it hard to say what’s really on their mind. Instead of being honest they choose to lie or ignore the situation; which leads to upset, a bad reputation and anger.

Ghosting is one of these ‘modern day’ behavioral terms, used to describe an action that has been around for years – being inconsiderate. It’s just been given a new term for millennial use. Now don’t get us wrong, we appreciate that ghosting isn’t just a male only problem, women can be just as guilty of doing it too. However, today we want to focus our attention on the men and perhaps improve the dating game for everyone.

What on Earth is Ghosting?

In case you’re not entirely sure, let’s take a quick look into what ghosting is. Ghosting is when one person suddenly loses all interest in the other – they stop talking, texting and messaging without giving any reason for doing so. No explanations are provided to the person being ghosted. They are left with confusion, somewhat humiliation and a whole host of other emotions; all of which are negative and damaging to the self-esteem. In some extreme cases, ghosting can result in permanent psychological damage and emotional scars that are extremely difficult to heal.

Ghosting happens when the guy or girl is unable to communicate the fact that they just aren’t interested in taking the ‘relationship’ any further (regardless of what stage that relationship is at). It’s disrespectful, but more than that, it’s immature and a clear sign that some growth is needed to expand that individual’s social skills.

Consider Both Sides

Let’s look at an example of ghosting, perhaps you’ll recognize the behavior patterns and realize that maybe (unintentionally) you’ve been ghosting the past conquests in your life without knowing it! Or maybe, see that you’ve been a victim to ghosting yourself.

There’s a guy, we’ll call him Brandon. Brandon has been really into a gorgeous lady, Cally. Over the past couple of weeks Brandon has been messaging Cally most days and nights. They’ve been out for drinks and have been intimate with one another on a couple of occasions. Cally is excited to see how this will progress. Brandon has given her the impression, through actions and words that he is really into her and he was, at that time.

A new girl arrives on the scene, she’s absolutely Brandon’s type and he’s going to pursue her and get to know her better. Instead of messaging, calling or meeting with Cally to let her know he simply stops all communication with complete radio silence. Her messages go unread and unanswered, he doesn’t pick up her calls, he ignores her on the street.

Cally doesn’t have a clue what’s going on, she’s left completely in the dark, and starts to hear rumors that Brandon is messing about with another girl. Cally feels hurt, but she’s also left without closure, she doesn’t know if it was something she said or did. She’s mad at the other girl too, did she say something to turn Brandon against her? Will Brandon ever message her again? So many questions and no answers!

At best, ghosting is rude. At worst, it’s a sign of emotional abuse that could turn into a genuine problem if the pattern continues. Recognizing these emotional failings as unacceptable and working to improve communication skills is what’s required to stop this behavior escalating into something more serious.

You Don’t Like Her? Guess What, You Don’t Have To!

So, you’ve been messaging a girl, you’ve met, hooked up, had some good times – but now you’re left feeling cold. For whatever reason you no longer want to peruse the relationship in any way. You want out and you want to move on. Guess what, you’re 100% entitled to feel that way and that’s perfectly acceptable. Sometimes the chemistry isn’t there, the attraction dies and there’s nothing left. This can happen after a few messages, a kiss, having sex once or even multiple times. Once the passion goes there’s no need to hang around and try to force something that isn’t there.

Failing to respect the other person and communicate what’s happening isn’t okay. Sure, it may be awkward, and you could end up hurting their feelings, but that’s what happens. The other person will get over it, they may want to have their say, but once the conversation is over you can close the book and move on without any unfinished business following you around.

Be the Man You Want to Become

If you’re dating, meeting women and getting to know them (perhaps being intimate and exploring possibilities) then you must be maturing as a man, yes? You’re not in the playground anymore, this is real life, adult life and this is where you learn lots of skills that will transform you into the guy you want to be – the man who is respected, a distinguished role model, admired by men and women and spoken very highly of by your peers. You want to be the guy who people love to be around, to be associated with.

Ghosting exhibits behaviors that are indifferent, a total lack of caring for another person where a relationship was being formed, at whatever level. Gaining a reputation as someone who ghosts or who lacks the ability to respect others will not benefit you in any way. Furthermore, failing to learn social skills that are picked up through dating and being single can also be damaging for your own future. It’s time to grow a pair and start working on the man you want to become! Today!

How to Break the Ghosting Habit

You’re here, which means you want to be the best you can be when it comes to your future dating adventures. Let’s look at how to do the right thing by avoiding ghosting all together.

1.Admit Your Feelings to Yourself and then to Her

As we said above, it’s perfectly acceptable not to want to take the friendship or relationship any further. Admit it, you’re not interested. There’s no need to feel worried or ashamed or embarrassed. Women appreciate honesty. Say that you don’t want to take things further. By doing so you will be leaving less emotional scars behind and improving the conversations that go on about you when you’re not listening.

2. Remember She Has Feelings

This woman has invested her time and some of her emotions in you. Don’t take that for granted, respect her and let her know with some kindness. For all you know she may have doubts and is perhaps unsure as to whether this thing between the two of you is really going anywhere. On the other hand, she could be really into you. Regardless, you need to let her down gently and show that you can empathize.

3. Offer Closure

Ghosting can be so detrimental as the person is left wondering what it is that went wrong. You can help to bring closure to your little fling by offering a reason. You might not know what caused the friendship to fizzle out, or you may not want to say why, but if you do it can be helpful for the other party involved.

4. Keeping a Friend

You can’t have too many friends. Maintaining a friendship can be beneficial for you both. That doesn’t mean you have to hang out or even talk often, but it does mean you can have respect for one another. Today, with the way dating and communicating works, the more friends you have fighting in your corner, the better. Do you realize that girls talk, and they will ask friends about anything they may have heard about a potential date or boyfriend? If you can leave friends behind that share stories involving a respectful let down, you will find it far more beneficial than scorned women with tales of ghosting.

Do the Right Thing

Ghosting needs to stop, this shouldn’t be an accepted behavior just because we now live in a digital age. Sure, it’s easy to ignore someone but that doesn’t mean it’s right. Treating people with respect makes the world a much happier and kinder place to live in.

Ghosting is not the norm, it’s not just a part of modern life, it’s rude and immature and we advise everyone to stand up against it. Call out your mates that are too scared to let someone know they’re not interested. It’s time to become the men of tomorrow, to be the guy that is respected and admired, it’s time to grow up.

Don’t stop communicating without explanation. Let someone down and leave that chapter finished, without any lingering effects that could impact any future relationships. Respect makes the world of difference to you and to her. Be left free to live your life without a shadow casting down on your activities. Stop having to avoid someone, leave yourself in a position to live your best life, and for them to live theirs without being damaged in the process.


About the author Carmel Jones

Carmel Jones is the founder of The Big Fling, a sex-positive blog dedicated to fighting toxic masculinity and providing helpful info on dating and sex. After graduating with a MSW, she moved to Philadelphia, PA where she now lives with her fiancé.