So the next day comes around and you send a few messages back and fourth, she might have even have put in some winky faces. You ask her to hang out but she says she is busy this week, or she may even get “sick” the day of the date. 4-5 days go by and she eventually she just stops texting you, and that cool, sexy girl that you really hit it off with is gone forever.
Why does this happen? She definitely liked you when you met, should you have been more assertive? Were you too nice? Too forward? I think almost every guy has been through at least something similar to this (including myself) But the thoughts that bothered me the most were “Could I have done something more with her that night? She did want me too? Maybe she doesn’t want to see me because I was not man enough to push for something more that night”.
Whatever is going through your head, before wondering how to have sex with a girl, (or rather a woman!) let’s wonder:
Why and How Human Have Sex
Sex. Sex on a first meeting can be really hot, passionate, sexy and hormone filled, even though research shows that sex is more enjoyable when in a long-term relationship. As Dr Sue Johnson discusses in this article of the 3 types of sex.
When we first meet someone, and both parties are attracted to each other the sparks and hormones can drive us wild to try and jump into the other person’s pants/knickers/undies.
There’s a reason for this – babies!
Our old animal instincts still kick in – that we must procreate. Only now in 2017 more people want to find that one special person to spend their lives with, rather than to simply have sex just to keep the human race from going extinct!
Now I understand that not all of you are looking for that long term relationship and maybe you are just looking for a bit of fun. There is nothing wrong with this! This article though is for those of you looking for a more serious relationship that you want to last.
8 Reasons Not Having Sex on a First Date is Better
Here are my 7 reasons as to why as a Relationship Coach and as a happily married wife I believe not having sex on a first date is key to finding that special, long-term relationship:
1. Get to know her with your head, not with your manhood
When you are on a first date, this time is key in getting to know each other. That means finding out what the other person’s interests are to see how compatible you both really are. This time should be spent getting to know THEM and not focusing on how to get into their underwear!
You can still spice things up here too. If you have the confidence and you think you can get away with it on the first date without getting a slap to the face – gently enquire about what gets her going. Don’t be too direct and reveal your ‘inner horny teenager’, play it cool but on the side of flirty. Trust me, this will help you no end when the time does come to go to the next base.
If you don’t spend time getting to know them and find out what makes them tick and they you, you can blow it all very quickly or even worse, find you are wasting valuable time on the person who just isn’t right for you. Get to know them, not their bodies!
2. Relationships built on foundations of sex crumble when the sex dries up
Real love and a committed relationship takes time to establish and time spent together doing things more than just having sex builds strong roots for a long lasting relationship. Time spent together is what helps forms an attachment. If you have sex on the first date you are creating an expectation that sex is going to be a large part of any ongoing relationship with this person.
While this sounds great, it can mean that sex actually becomes an unhealthily large part of your relationship. I all too often come across couples who have broken up because they realise 3-6 months down the line that they actually have nothing in common outside the bedroom!
3. One-night stands are the death of a potential relationship
If you are on a mission to get laid on your first date you are putting out a very bright warning light which flashes “one-night stand, one-night stand, one-night stand”.
You may ‘get lucky’ and go back to hers but you have now revealed a lot of cards VERY early on. There is no longer any real ‘chase’ left. There has been no build-up of anticipation, excitement or lust. This chase can be a huge amount of fun! Use it to your advance.
It is also often much sexier for a woman when a person knows how to control themselves rather than putting it out on a plate! Make her work for you. Don’t be a dick but make it a game. I’m not talking about playing mind games with her, but just keep her on her toes a little.
If you do have sex on the first date you have just put yourself into the bucket of one-night stand – until you prove otherwise and see her again. Now you honestly may not be wanting this to turn out to be one-night stand but you sure as hell have just played the typical one-night stand card!
It is also much harder to make meeting this person the next time round not just about sex.
4. Don’t be lazy – lazy is not sexy
It’s easy to have sex, it’s instinct. To build love, to make a commitment to really care about someone, their welfare takes time. To put up with someone else’s baggage, and grow with them and help them through it. To argue and fight and then make up and learn from each other and grow together. That’s what building a strong relationship is. So, you see sex on a first date is like giving in to junk food when you want to lose weight.
Show you are willing to invest in her, by you guessed it, getting to know her first. Diving in is just lazy.
5. Sex is a drug
Sex is addictive. When you get that initial high met by having sex, you can easily find you want it again and again. You see, when we do something that triggers our reward centre in our brain, we are flooded with dopamine, which is a drug that can fool us into thinking that what we are doing is the right thing.
This girl you keep meeting then becomes your addiction, and you need to see her to ‘get your fix’.
This addiction is based on the sex with this person and not on them as a person. As your addiction to them is purely sexual it is easy for your mind to start to wander to trying to get your next fix from somewhere else more exciting. This can easily spiral into a repetitive series of sexual partners not based on anything but fulfilling your addictive needs.
If it’s a long-term loving committed relationship that you want, you can see how this habit might begin to affect things. Much like I said before, this is like eating junk food when trying to lose weight. The Instantaneous reward we get in our brain when the pleasure centres are activated means we are more likely to become addicted to some things and not others. We are pleasure seeking beings and when dopamine and serotonin are triggered in a short sharp burst we want more and more when it wears off.
In this article the researchers found that the same parts of the brain activated when people addicted to sex watched porn as that of drugs addicts when they saw drugs. Whenever our pleasure centres are activated by anything outside of ourselves, we need to be very careful.
While I don’t believe addiction of any kind is healthy for anyone, if you are going to become addicted to them, become addicted to them as a person, not as a sexual object!
6. Sex is a communication tool – So make sure you are communicating right
When you have sex on a first date you are at risk of making the foundations of the relationship all about sex. When sex becomes the basis of your communication you may find it harder to cope and get through conflicts productively. A relationship is built on trust and secure attachment, you know that when someone waits to have sex with you, it’s because they want to have a relationship with YOU and not just your body. When you are 90, and sorry chaps, you are likely to struggle to get certain parts of your body to work, so you are going to need more to your relationship than just sex!
7. Not just an old ball and chain, you might actually live longer
When we have sex we release hormones that make us fall in love. You can see how that can be tricky for someone if you realise the day after that you feel differently from each other. It can also create that very unsuccessful scenario called lust.
Lust really is the thing that can kill it, because suddenly you are not seeing things clearly. A bit like you are wearing rose tinted glasses. You are being guided by your chemical reaction, which is a biological design to make you procreate! When you take a step back, slow things down and take your time by getting to know the person, you can work out if this is someone that you want to spend more or a lifetime with.
If you do want to have a long, loving and committed relationship then you of course will want to give yourself the best possible chance there is. Why would you leave something so wonderful and in my opinion sacred to chance? People live longer happier lives when they have someone that they love and trust to count on – learn more here.
I know lots of people will joke about the old ball and chain and how their other half ‘does their head in’ but we are designed to be in loving and caring relationships. Much like how the penguin pairs up and stays together forever, if they can do it, surely we can too?
If despite all the arguments you still want to know how to have sex with a girl on the first night you met, notning wrong with that. As long as you BOTH want that and there is a FULL CONSENT from both sides, enjoy the time!
How to have sex with a girl on the first night you met her?
There is something very important that I feel like I have to note: going home with a girl the first night you meet her is actually something that very few guys do, especially on a regular basis. Most of the people need to build their intimacy with another person over some time, and it’s nothing wrong about that!
I don’t want you to feel like you have to sleep with a bunch of different women in order to prove your worth or masculinity to other people. With this mindset, you will cause serious damage to yourself and people you let into your life. Happiness come from within, and If you live a life centered around proving your worth to others, you will never be internally happy.
Most guys meet girls through their social circles and they often will see each other again at other social events, so you do not have to be that assertive the first night because you are bound to see each other again. So few guys can actually could approach a girl in a bar/club, and then proceed to have sex with her that night. Even the thought of this will blow some peoples minds, and they think it’s impossible for them to be “that guy”.
I personally used to be one of those guys who thought that it was impossible, the thought of meeting a total stranger in a bar, then taking them home terrified me. It was something that I really did not think was realistic for someone like me, I thought the only guys who could do that kind of thing on a regular basis were exceptionally good looking or charismatic guys.
So I studied a ton, practiced a lot, and went through a lot of rejections, I was actually sexless for three whole years. But I had a personal breakthrough that enabled me to sleep with over 50 women in an 8 month period, mostly from the first night.
For me it has become totally normal and it honestly is not really a big deal for me anymore to go home with a girl the first night. I’m not going to go in great detail as to how it’s done, but I will discuss what I consider the 3 most important concepts.
1. Change your reality
This is best illustrated through an analogy, let’s pretend someone has the idea to go skydiving. What’s the first thing they do? Go on the internet, watch some videos, read articles, talk to people who have done it before. I dare you to find someone who has gone sky diving in the past 10 years who didn’t first watch a video of someone else doing it. Before videos, skydiving was not nearly as popular, it was something that was so out of people’s reality they wouldn’t even consider doing it. Now a days you probably could not meet someone who hasn’t at least watched a video of someone skydiving.
Let’s relate this to going home with a girl, you cannot exactly go on the internet and watch a step by step guide on how do it (yet). There is some material out there if you really look for it, but not a step by step break down like sky diving.
If order to go home with a girl it has be realistic in your mind, it must be within your reality. If you go out thinking there is no way it will happen, it probably won’t. It’s not easy to just switch your state of mind, but I’m a big believer in the old saying “fake it until you make it”, if you tell your self everyday that you are awesome, and you are that guy who goes home with girls, you will slowly start to believe it (But be sure you keep taking action to improve) Start telling your self that you ARE this guy. This is crucial to understand; this is probably the biggest overarching principle of going with a girl on the first night.
2. Man up
Again, very basic idea. A girl is not going to go home with you if she views you as another girl. You need to assertive yourself as a man and from the moment you say hello to a girl, through your masculine body language and the way you behave, she needs to know that you do in fact have a penis, and that you are not afraid to use it (sounds a bit silly but it’s very true). Now, I could write essays on how to build attraction with a girl, but I really do not have time here. But I will talk about two major points that almost 95% of guys mess up on.
Playful Tiger Syndrome (Physical Contact)
I want you to picture a girl holding a baby tiger. She is playing with the tiger, and the tigers paws are all over her. “aww you’re such a cute little tiger”. It’s fun for her, it’s entertainment. But does the girl view the tiger as an assertive animal? Does she respect the tiger? Is she scared of the tiger? Does she feel like this tiger could protect her? NO!
So this is related to physical contact, so many guys will initiate physical contact that has no backbone to it (AKA they are the baby tiger) she may think you’re cute but she is not in danger. Now when I say in danger, I don’t actually mean you are physically threatening her. But she needs to know that there is a possibility that you two could go behind an ally and have sex. Like I said before, she needs to know that you have a dick and that you are not afraid to use it.
I’m not going to go into detail here, because as I said I know many techniques to do this, but my best piece of advise here would be to touch the girl in the way that really turns you on. The most basic concept in pick up is “She feels what you feel”
Layering in Statements of Intent
Not to sound like an infomercial or click bait, but this is almost like a cheat code for at least building some attraction for nervous guys who are not great with girls. Statements of intent are just simply verbal statements that let her know that you are interested in them in a beyond friend to friend capacity. It can be as simple as “you look cute in those glasses” and can extend outward to “I want to lock us in a room together for a month and have sex with you and only take breaks for food and water” This is an example of probably the most extreme statement of intent you can give, there are different levels and it is best to start off slow and build up.
My Personal Professional Tip: I really hate “lines” to use on but this is something I like saying. “So were you always hot? or were you a nerd and then you became hot?” Statements like this let her know that you are interested. And the great thing about this whole concept is, is that it negates physical contact and more complex attraction strategies, although everything works better with physical contact.
3. Learn to be in control
Now this is a very tricky point to put into a short text. It relates back to being assertive. Sometimes a girl may not know exactly what she wants. If she feels well around you, she may go with the flow and agree on your suggestion. Is that simple! No push, just a simple suggestion.
The best way to illustrate this point is through an example. Picture yourself with a girl, you are having a great time, attraction is there, she seems very interested. If you just said “let’s get a cab home right now” and then you just wait for her to respond.
The chances of her going home with you are very, very, VERY low, no matter how much attraction there is. You have to guide her there slowly, For example:
“Let’s over there it’s quieter, we can chat more”
“Uhg I’m really hot, can we go outside for 5 minutes for a quick oxygen break?”
“People are smoking out here, let’s walk away from the bar”
“Let’s go for a quick walk”
And so on…
Throughout this process you must be assertive and controlling. When you say let’s go for a walk, grab her hand and start walking. Obviously if she resists or says no you stop, but you honestly do have to guide her there.
So fellas, that pretty much is the very very basic idea of how to sleep with a girl on the first night, if you ever read a headline along the lines of “Do this one thing and you will be going home with girls every night”, it’s BS. It takes practice and time to get good! (like anything else)
So, to recap the 3 main concepts are:
- Change your reality
- Man up
- Take control
This not an easy thing, and many guys will not be able to do it right away, don’t get discouraged! Enjoy the journey and the process. It took me a while to get to where I’m at today. If you are interested in my journey, you can take a look at my eBook at the bottom of the page. I go over my entire journey of being sexless for 3 years to sleeping with over 50 girls in 8 months. This journey really changed my life, and it started me on a path so enlightenment and self discovery.
Treat the women in your life with respect and honesty. Don’t ever mislead or play with their emotions. If your intentions are to simply to have fun with a girl, which is totally fine, don’t mislead her and tell her you are looking for something more. However, your path to enlightenment may involve getting into a relationship, there is no single right way to things.