Or maybe you had a feeling something wasn’t right but you never expected it to end in a breakup. However it happened, there are a few things that you need to remember. It’s never going to be easy, no matter what you may think. How to get over a break up?
7 Surprising Stages of Getting Over a Breakup
There are many stages of getting over a breakup. Just after the event you may feel sad, guilty, upset or even angry.
All of these things are natural to feel and are a required part of the process.
We will look at these stages and help you to get a better understanding of what to expect when facing the seemingly impossible task of getting over the perfect partner.
Break Up Stage 1. Shock
Just after breaking up you may be in a state of shock. You will feel like you have been hit by a train. This is natural and is your body’s way of dealing with this situation.
You may find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning. This is due to the fact that you may have blocked out the breakup in your mind.
And when you wake up, it can hit you like a ton of bricks. You need to find the strength to face the day. You can do this by surrounding yourself with people who care.
Break Up Stage 2. Denial
It’s going to take some time to get over the initial apathy that you are feeling. This may take hours or even a few days.
If you were dumped by him/her, you are probably questioning why it happened or what went wrong. It can be a difficult time.
You might continue to tell yourself: “It’s not really over, they are not coming back” or other things to make yourself feel better. It’s easy to find comfort in these little white lies but in reality it isn’t doing you any good.
Holding on to the dream of getting back together is just going to make things worse in the long run.
Letting go and accepting the fact will make it easier to move on and speed up the healing process.
Break Up Stage 3. Resentment
Now is the time that you get really mad. You keep thinking about all of the ways he has hurt you and how you are going to get back at him.
You want to show everyone how much of a jerk they are so that they can hate them too. You want vengeance and retribution.
This isn’t the best way to deal with your feelings however. In reality, you need to take a step back before all of these blows up in your face.
You need to think twice before going through with your plans and making things much worse than they already are.
Break Up Stage 4. Insignificance
This is one of the hardest stages of getting over a breakup. You might feel worse than nothing, a no one, a giant loser.
There is no reason to feel this way even though the recent break can often make you feel down.
If you continue thinking this way it can lead you down a terrible path of self-questioning and doubt.
You may rack your brain thinking of reasons why they dumped you. “Am I too fat? Am I ugly? Did they find someone better than me?”
These are all questions you don’t need to be asking yourself. Take a step back and gather your thoughts for the time being.
Obviously you have some great qualities which attracted them to you in the first place.
Break Up Stage 5. Acceptance
This is the point that things start to get better. It might not feel like it at first but it will get better. This is where you accept the pain and sorrow and learn to live without him.
This is the most important stage of the healing process. Without being able to accept your loss, the grieving process can not truly begin.
After you accept that you can live without him it only gets better from there. Be strong and move on because you are worth it.
Break Up Stage 6. Renewal
Look at the bright side, things are on the upswing at this stage. The wounds are starting to heal.
You have stopped beating yourself up and asking why. You can think about what the future holds and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
You think about the things you used to enjoy doing and start having fun again. Life is good and things are looking up.
You may want to make some time for yourself at this point and begin to experience life again on your terms.
Break Up Stage 7. Understanding and Compassion
Remember, it isn’t just you who is feeling down. He has made a tough decision and is most likely hurting as well. Leaving someone is a tough decision to make and is rarely done without much thought or at least some regret.
No one enjoys seeing someone else suffer, especially someone that they have loved or possibly still love. The one doing the dumping can feel riddled with guilt about the difficult decision they have just made.
This means they have compassion and a conscience. For whatever reason, the decision has been made. It isn’t all that important why, something just wasn’t working out. One thing to remember is when you love someone or feel connected to them it is difficult to hurt their feelings.
Often couples will stay together out of convenience or not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings. In this type of situation it becomes more of a business agreement.
You work just hard enough to keep up your end of the bargain. This doesn’t help either one and will never work out in the long run. Finally, last of the stages of getting over a breakup is discovering understanding that you can’t be friends with your ex, or at least not right after the breakup.
How to Get Over a Breakup When You Still Love Them
Breaking up with someone is never an easy process. You may be wondering how to recover from a breakup quickly.
There is much advice available on this subject, but much of it is not very helpful. Here you will find ten tips to help you to recover from your breakup and move forward with your life in the shortest amount of time possible.
You may be depressed, you may feel down, but one thing to remember is that it will get better.You might not want to keep any type of relationship with the person who has already hurt you badly. If you stay friends, you might not able to get over the breakup.
You will get over it eventually and you will be able to move on and find someone better in the future.
Getting over a breakup with someone you love isn’t easy. No matter how you ended your relationship, the feeling of loss after being dumped by your partner are sometimes so intense that it can be difficult to cope with on your own.
How To Deal With A Break Up: 4 Tips That Will Help You Get Through The Tough Times of Breaking Up With Someone You Love
No matter how strong you are, breaking up with someone you had true feelings for is always painful. We can’t avoid the stress of breaking up, but it’s certainly possible to make it hurt less.
1. Accept the reality
The reality is, it happened. Feeling sad about it isn’t going to make it any better. Chances are your partner isn’t coming back and that’s the end of it. The sooner you realize and accept this, the sooner you can move on to the healing stages.
Don not hold onto people. Holding onto the hope of getting back together with an ex will prevent a person from fully recovering from the breakup. Holding onto hope leads to subconsciously believing that the relationship is not truly over.
Letting go of the hope of getting back together allows one’s mind to trigger a recovery process that will then allow them to release their attachment to the other person.
2. Allow time for grieving
There is nothing wrong with crying when you are sad, it can actually be beneficial. Expressing your feelings rather than suppressing them can help you avoid the pitfall of depression and other negative emotions.
This is very important to feeling better. Put on a movie, get a bowl of ice cream and cry your eyes out.
Do whatever you think you need to do to feel better. Just make sure to stay clear of excessive drinking or drug use as this is definitely not healthy.
Give yourself time You just broke up with someone you loved and miss like crazy; give yourself the chance to process your emotions. Don’t be afraid to talk to one of your friends about what you are feeling. Both men and women have trouble dealing with breakups, obviously, so don’t feel bad if you are having a rough time at first.
Eventually, as you move past these feelings of sadness, you can open back up and let your personality shine. Don’t forget that friends and family can be a great support system, and may even give you some advice. Try to turn your post-breakup pain into a source of inspiration and feeling good about yourself again.
3. Take Responsibility For Your Breakup
It might seem counter-intuitive, but taking responsibility is the best way to move on.
Breakups and divorces hurt – a lot, often for those who break up as well. About all you can think about doing is making the pain stop. You might try drinking and going out with lots of women and blaming your ex to make you feel better.
There is a certain logic to all this. The distractions of self-medicating and women will certainly take your mind off of your immediate pain, but no distraction will ever eliminate it. Also, blaming your ex for what you’re feeling can make it seem to be easier to deal with because it’s not your fault and there’s nothing you can do. (Besides maybe get even with her or make her hurt as much as you do. But these are bad ideas no matter how appealing they might be right now.)
However, distracting yourself and placing blame are the fast track to more misery – not the relief you really want.
The only way to quickly and completely move on from a failed relationship is to take responsibility for it. Yup, you read that correctly. You need take responsibility for the breakup or divorce.
Now before you start down the trail of “Yeah, but…” or “No way in H#LL!”, hear me out.
I get that she cheated on you or that she was crazy clingy and insecure or that she just didn’t appreciate you anymore or that she just suddenly changed and became someone you hardly recognized. But that isn’t the whole story. Is it?
This is important. The whole story must include you regardless of what her actions were or are. Because if it doesn’t, then you’re just a powerless victim. A victim who has no control over his life. A victim who is blown about by the whims of his ex. A victim who lacks all hope that a better relationship is out there.
I seriously doubt you really want to be a victim hoping that someone else will do something to make you feel better.
So what if the real story of your breakup is that you played an active role in it? As uncomfortable as that might be, it’s probably a whole lot closer to what really happened.
What if you took the time to take stock of what you did that helped your relationship and what you did that helped your breakup? If you do, you’ll be taking your first step to REALLY getting over it.
Before you start thinking that she made the decision to end things out of the blue and you can’t think of anything at all that you could have done differently to make your relationship better, STOP! If that’s truly your situation, your responsibility for the breakup was getting into a relationship with her in the first place. Even accepting this bit of accountability will give you back some control over the situation.
Assessing your part in the death of your relationship is the only way you’ll be able to completely get over it. And believe me you want to get completely over it. You don’t want to be one of those guys that women think are great until you tell them about your breakup. Then, all they hear as you tell your story is how bitter you are.
(I can tell you that every time I went out with a man who was bitter, I couldn’t get away fast enough and I certainly wouldn’t give him a second chance. I know I’m not the only one who quickly steers clear of victims who keep throwing themselves a pity party.)
Once you know the part you played in getting you to where you are today you can start doing something about it.
Let’s say that the only thing you can think of right now that made you culpable for the breakup is that you fell in love with her. Obviously that doesn’t mean that you need to never fall in love again – although that might seem like the best short-term answer. What it does mean is that you have a bit of detective work to do to figure out what you can learn from this relationship to choose your next partner more carefully.
Think back to when you first met and the early days of your relationship. Were there any warning signs that it would end badly? What did you find especially attractive about her? Did any of these qualities contribute to where you are today? Did you give it enough time before you jumped into a relationship with her?
Hopefully, you’re getting the idea. You need to analyze what you can do differently next time.
Thoughtful action away from what didn’t work and toward what does will always help you move on from your breakup.
As you continue your assessments, you’ll probably discover more things you did that contributed to the breakup. That’s a good sign! It means that you’re moving away from the hurt and victimhood and toward healing.
With each new responsibility that comes up, ask yourself what you can and will do differently in the future and then do it. Although all this work won’t guarantee that your next relationship will be perfect, it does guarantee that you won’t be making the same mistakes. And fewer mistakes usually mean fewer problems.
So as counter-intuitive as it may have seemed initially, taking responsibility for your breakup or divorce really is the only way to stop hurting so much.
4. Make it a clean break
Staying friends after a relationship is something you see in the movies. It’s just a fantasy and you you need to let it go. The best way forward is to cut contact and move on with your life.
Take control of your thoughts. Keeping hope alive can also lead to daydreaming about the person that you are no longer in a relationship with. It is important to not allow your mind to be preoccupied with thoughts about the other person.
Allowing yourself to imagine seeing the person or hoping that they will call is counter-productive to your recovery from the relationship. Take control of your thoughts and do not entertain the idea of getting back together.
5. Don’t force into someone else
If you are still in love with your ex-girlfriend, give yourself time to heal before getting involved with someone else. Don’t try to find someone to fill the space in your heart. Don’t go out and fuck around. It might help in the beginning, but you need to build intimacy to have great sex. Don’t be unrealistic and unfairly compare another person to your ex. It’s important to make sure you are ready to begin dating again.
Meaningless sex may feel great at first but none of that will make you feel any better. Remember—you have to feel good and happy in yourself before you can be with anyone else.
6. Work On Yourself and Become A Better Person
It’s easy to take a marriage or relationship for granted. You get comfortable with your current girl because you think she’s the one and you’ll never have to date or impress someone again. So you stop working out, eating healthy, or evolving into a better man. You develop bad habits over time and then you become a boring guy who looks, acts and says the same things.
From where you eat to how you dress to what you talk about over dinner, it’s important to constantly be exploring and improving yourself. Part of this self-improvement will also help you gain your confidence back.
For starters, if your ex-girlfriend had been telling you to be more healthy, maybe it’s time to visit the gym and eat better.
Part of this is the fact that next time she sees you, you want her to realize what she’s missing out on an awesome guy. The other part is you’ll need to look good to attract an even better-looking girl. A leaner or more muscular version of you can only help. Plus, clothes always look better with the proper fit.
Moreover, changing up your style and investing in a few modern outfits can also make a huge difference. It’s shocking how a simple change in wardrobe can completely reinvent your look. If you are clueless about men’s style, even the salesperson at your local department store can help. Sometimes, all it takes is a few good pieces to play the part of a stylish gentleman!
The next step is a trendy haircut and proper grooming. Visit the barbershop and get a stylish new hairstyle. Your regular cut and style may be outdated or downright boring. Be adventurous with one of these popular hairstyles for men. Even something as simple as a different hairstyle can make you more attractive as a whole.
7. Hide or destroy any evidence of the past
Take some time to go through your old things that may remind you of your ex.
Take any pictures off your phone or computer, throw out or return any clothes and burn any letters that may bring back memories and make it harder to get over them.
8. Intentionally keep your distance
The recovery process will be more effective and will occur more quickly if you make sure to avoid contact with the person you broke up with. Avoid the temptation to go to places that you know they will be.
Steering clear of their social media sites and even removing their contact from your phone will help put an end to spending time thinking about them or potentially messaging them.
Your main goal is to diminish the hope of getting back together. Keeping your distance and avoiding contact is vital to this process.
9. Put your thoughts in writing
One of the best ways to get rid of hurt feelings is to put it in a letter. It can help you get out what you want to say, or what you wanted to say to your ex before they walked out on you.
Write down everything that you felt and maybe even call them a few nasty names for good measure.
This will help you release some of the harsh feelings towards them that you may be feeling.
After you have done this it’s time for the final step. Take the letter and rip it up, burn it, bury it, throw it in the toilet or destroy it just about any other way you want to finish of the job.
10. Do not allow the media to influence your perception
Recognize that the portrayal of love in movies and in music is not always accurate to real life. Do not fall victim to the belief that there is only one person out there that you are destined to be with.
Instead of allowing your thoughts to be influenced by the media, take time to read studies about the true psychology of love and understand that the potential exists for you to meet and fall in love with a variety of different people.
11. Keeping busy is not the answer
Keeping busy is not enough to take your mind off of the breakup. Effective, long-term recovery requires a person to acknowledge the problem and to proactively change their thoughts about the situation.
Simply keeping yourself busy does not address the true feelings and thoughts that continue to keep you attached to the relationship.
It’s not about obsessively keeping yourself busy, but about doing things you like more often. Do things that you didn’t have time for when you were in a relationship. Don’t forget about sports and exercise, which release natural endorphins and improve mood.
Try going to the gym, running, or playing football, do whatever physical activity makes you happy. The gym will keep you feeling good about your body. Do whatever feels good for a while, no matter what that may entail – play video games, listen to music, or work harder. Whatever activity keeps you absorbed, do it.
Try to be productive. Hang out with your friends. Don’t just stay at home. Incorporate new activities into your life and meet new people. It will give you encouragement to focus on your creativity. You can also try focusing on your career.
12. Avoid Rebound Relationships
Don’t try to prove to yourself or anyone else that you are worth being loved. This only leads to hurt feelings and unhealthy relationships.
It’s not fair to the person you are seeing if you aren’t ready for a relationship and are just looking to get over your ex.
Avoiding this pitfall is a tried and true method for how to move on after being dumped.
13. Discard the keepsakes
Holding onto photos, gifts or written sentiments from the person you broke up with only serve as reminders of that which you are now trying to let go of.
Keeping these items and looking over them leads you to reminisce about times when your relationship together was still good and causes you to form a false hope of getting back together.
You will greatly speed up the recovery process by getting rid of items that serve as reminders and keep you connected to the person you broke up with.
14. Avoid negative beliefs about the breakup
Just as you take control of your thoughts, you also need to take control of what you put into your mind.
Spending time watching sad movies or listening to sad songs only intensifies the feelings of grief and loss.
If you truly want to learn how to recover from a breakup quickly, you need to not allow your thoughts and beliefs to be influenced by the messages in sad songs and movies.
15. Do not isolate yourself
Although keeping busy is not an adequate way to recover from a breakup, reconnecting with friends can prove to be very helpful.
Often times when we get into a romantic relationship, we unintentionally spend more time with our new partner and less time with our friends. It is extremely beneficial to rekindle your friendships and restore your social life to help you recover more quickly.
16. Get back to your normal routine
Don’t fall into the trap of sleeping in late, staying in bed all day or sulking around the house feeling sorry for yourself.
This doesn’t lead to anything but deeper depression. Get out, start your day and get back to doing the things you love to do. The sooner you get back into a normal routine the better off you are going to be.
17. Try support groups and self-help books
Reaching out to others for support or reading through a book of for people in a similar situation as you can help speed up the grieving process.
18. Reach out to friends for help
Spend time with friends and family who care about you. Chances are they will be more than willing to help you deal with this difficult situation.
19. Find new hobbies or activities
Go out and find a new activity that you have always wanted to try. Join a tennis club or a running group.
The exercise and the feeling of accomplishment from the new activity will be more than enough to get your mind off the breakup.
20. Go on Vacation
Meet new people and explore a change of scenery. Do the things that you always wanted to do but couldn’t because of your ex-partner.
Life is short. Take this opportunity to live and feel free. If you think you don’t know how to move on after being dumped this is definitely worth a shot.
21. Expand your social circle
Think about all the time you spent with your partner. Yeah, it may have been fun, but now it’s time to let go. Go out, meet new people and enjoy life.
Remember not to use this as an excuse to find a rebound fling or rush into another relationship. But who knows, you might just meet someone that piques your interest.
At the end of the day breaking up can be hard. This can be compounded by the fact that it wasn’t of your choosing.
22. Recognize your independent strength
That’s the most important part. It is very common to become dependent upon a relationship. A romantic relationship can take a person’s mind off of the troubles they are experiencing in their lives.
If you find that you have a tendency to escape from your life’s problems by being focused on your relationships, now is a good time to break that cycle. You will be much happier in life if you face your problems and find strength in your independence rather than finding strength in someone else or a relationship with them.
It’s important to know that every relationship, even the best one, may end eventually. Of course, I’m not telling you to think about it constantly. That takes away all of the fun of being with someone. You have to find happiness within yourself and it can’t be dependent on another person. Happiness doesn’t come from “being with someone.” Don’t try and “posses” another person or let your feelings be controlled by their presence.
You can build a future with another person, but never base your happiness, self-confidence, or self-esteem on someone. Being with someone isn’t the solution to your personal problems or a reason for a self-esteem boost. You have to find happiness and confidence in yourself.
There is a significant difference between being supportive and being needy, so never expect too much from your partners. Don’t try to stay in contact with your ex no matter what. Spending time with him or her will only cause you pain—keep you from moving on.
You will more than likely find that you are stronger than you realize and not being dependent on a relationship will help you to recover from a break up much more quickly.
It is possible to leave it all behind you if you follow these simple steps. Before you know it you’ll be feeling free and ready to face the world.
Things like this just take time, a lot of time in some cases. One day you may feel like things are looking up.
The next you could be feeling like you are back at square one.
Rest assured, eventually you will be feeling like a new person. Bigger, better and stronger than before.
After all – don’t forget: Time heals all wounds.