Break ups f@ing suck.
I won’t argue with you there…
But there is a way to go about breaking up with someone without breaking their heart.
And having spent the last 3 years in perpetual travel, I had to learn a thing or two on the subject.
Manage F@cking Expectations!!!
“Where I am going, you can’t follow…” – Casablanca
I had to start here…
This is literally the biggest issue I see with guys when it comes to their relationships…
They simply have no clue how to manage their relationships and so they get into these deals with women that are almost contractual, ineffective, and constraining.
If you find yourself ‘stuck’ in a relationship against your will, YOU are responsible for it.
Let me make this absolutely clear: Whatever happens in your relationship with a woman, from the second you meet her, to the second you break it off, you are responsible.
Does that seem unfair? Too bad.
You are responsible for walking up and speaking to her.
You are responsible for getting her attracted to you.
You are responsible for taking her on a date and getting her to like you.
You are responsible for every night you spend together.
Even if SHE has her emotions out of whack – you are responsible. It’s your fault.
If you’re thinking ‘Oh well that’s not right, that seems like a lot of responsibility’ then maybe you aren’t cut out for this…
Because she sure as hell doesn’t give a damn about your excuses – she’s looking for a man who can HANDLE her, and a man who can handle himself is a man who can handle a woman.
So how do you manage expectations?
Lay them out!
I’ll always tell a woman, even from the very beginning: “I like you now, I’ll like you tomorrow. After that, no promises. If you can handle that, and are up to the challenge, you and I are gonna get along just great.”
There have been approximately 2 women in the last 6 years who had trouble with this arrangement.
When you’re ready to settle down and be exclusive – tell her!
“I like you, and I want to be with only you.”
Not exactly rocket science.
Now, the next part is super important:
Stop Being Selfish!
I’ve noticed this feminised trend in men nowadays…
Even though the relationship has lost it’s spark, they tend to stick in it because… Well… ‘I don’t want to be alone!’
Even though the relationship does not live up to their expectations, they stay in it because ‘what if I don’t find someone better?’ even though they’re clearly not meant to be together.
Congrats! You sound like a 39 year old cat lady… I’m sure that’s behaviour every quality gal is craving for.
Man. The F**k. Up.
Life is not a romantic comedy gentlemen. The lovable loser doesn’t get the girl in the end.
The extraordinary men do.
So how does an extraordinary man break up with a woman?
The Cardinal Rule
This rule is by no means my own invention – it has been around from time immemorial, and it goes like this:
Always leave her better than you found her.
With that in mind, to break up without breaking her heart, is to give her the absolute unwavering truth.
I’m sure you didn’t expect that…
I’m sure you wanted me to give you an easy out – some kind of verbal jiu jitsu that will break you out of your unwanted contract while keeping the possibility of sex on the table…
A man confronts his issues and faces them head on. Only feminized manboys try to skirt their problems and manoeuvre their way through the eggshells of other people’s feelings.
The point being, you need to man up, and tell them what you are thinking…
That the relationship has lost it’s spark.
That you both deserve better.
And that you wish her well, and sincerely hope she finds what she’s looking for.
And after that, you walk off into the sunset like a man.
She’ll be sad at first, but she’ll understand, and she will always respect you for it, because you never tried to lie to her, you never manipulated her, and she could always trust your intentions.
“Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that.” – Casablanca
How to Break Up With Someone You Still Love
Breaking up with someone that you have had a relationship with is often a painful process. During your time together you created memories and formed bonds to that person.
You may have also spent much time trying to make the relationship work when problems first began to surface, only to find in time that the relationship could not be saved.
It is difficult to let go of that which you have invested so much of your time and your life into.
In the end, you may realize that you and that person are not compatible for the long haul and you recognize the need to let the other person go.
Whether they leave you or you leave them, the breakup will have an impact on your emotions.
Even if you no longer have strong feelings for that person, ending the relationship can still be challenging to overcome. What is even more difficult is learning how to break up with someone you still love.
Although it seems impossible, you can recover from a breakup even though you still love the other person.
Altering your system of beliefs and learning a few basic facts can truly teach you to become resilient to breakups. The process is much easier than you realize.
Whether it takes you a few days or a few years to recover from a breakup is influenced by your beliefs about love and relationships.
When you learn to alter your beliefs, you become more capable of overcoming breakups quickly, even with someone you still have strong feelings for.
Here are a few basic facts you need to know that will help you to change your beliefs and allow you to get over your breakups fast.
1. It is more about you than them
Often times when two people get into a relationship they fall in love with the feeling they get more than they are really in love with the other person.
When you stop to analyze yourself as it pertains to romantic relationships, you may begin to recognize that you, like many others, fall into this trap.
When you begin a relationship with someone, you will usually find that you have feelings of increased confidence, you may become less focused on pre-existing problems, being with them may improve your feelings of self-worth or having that person in your life my help gratify unmet needs.
All of these scenarios intensify your feelings in the relationship, but they do not actually represent your love for that other person.
When you recognize that the feelings you had with that person were more about your own issues and needs, you become more capable of breaking up with that person, even though in your mind you still love them.
2. Don’t believe the lie
Do not fall victim to the belief that there is only one person out there that you are destined to be with.
This thought process is a lie that will make breaking up with someone you still love even harder.
This common misconception can lead you to hold onto your feelings for the other person because you falsely believe that you are letting your potential “soul-mate” get away.
There is no truth to this theory and the sooner you recognize that fact it will make learning how to breakup someone you still love much more successful.
It is important to understand that the potential exists for you to meet and fall in love with many different people.
You may find that you tend to gravitate toward a certain type of personality or temperament, but there are a lot of potential partners with those particular qualities.
Understanding that you can fall in love and be happy with any one of a number of people, helps to overcome the lie that you are losing the one you were destined to be with.
3. Avoid common mistakes
After a breakup, take steps to help you to recover quickly. There are common mistakes that people make that cause the breakup to be more difficult to overcome. Isolating yourself, holding onto the hope of getting back together, fueling sad thoughts and feelings, can all prolong the process of overcoming a breakup.
Being proactive with your choices immediately after a breakup can greatly increase your ability to recover, despite your continued feelings of love for that person.
Let go of the hope of getting back together, reconnect with friends, restore your social life, and avoid sad songs and movies that will keep you feeling despondent about the breakup.
Your thoughts and actions after a breakup have a big impact on your ability to let go of your feelings for that other person.
Control your thoughts and take appropriate action
As you can see, learning how to break up with someone you still love is a matter of changing your beliefs and being deliberate with your actions.
Understanding the beliefs that you have formed about love and the true source of the feelings you had when you were with that person is very impactful to your ability to recover from a breakup.
Recognizing that the relationship may simply have been satisfying unmet needs or influencing your perception of self-worth, helps you to let go of the attachment to the person that you feel that you still love.
Letting go of the belief that there is only one person that you are destined to be with, frees you to seek love and friendship with a new partner.
Taking active steps in how you use your time and energy after a breakup can truly have a powerful affect on the time it takes to get over the other person, despite your perceived feelings for them.
Rather than applying these practices to your life after a painful breakup, learn to understand these principles in advance and you will save yourself unnecessary heartache the next time you find yourself overcoming an unsuccessful relationship.
Last but not least: Ask yourself
Do You Really Want to Break Up With Them?
Relationships and dating all have up’s and downs but how do you know when it’s time to quit or time to work at it?
There is lot’s of wishy wash advice out there, but very few talk the real immediate deal breakers, these deal breakers can be a life or death situation, often they actually are.
The Only 3 Relationship Deal Breakers You Really Need!
It’s easy to have preferences and ignore them, yes you will get hurt sometimes and sometimes your self-esteem will be affected. However, as far as I have seen after coaching 100’s of people, the following 3 areas need to be deal breakers for everyone, it really is a life or death matter when these are present!
What am I talking about? The deal breakers that are not about preference but instead about mental, emotional and physical safety.
Active Addiction, Abuse and Refusal to grow or resolve long standing issues in their life.
1. Active addiction
Whenever I lead with addiction people get annoyed but bare with me, there are no straight lines in life and there are no real rules, only what you will and won’t do. In addiction, someone is emotionally unavailable, often physically and mentality too. In active addiction and in the early stages of recovery a person usually isn’t available for anyone else’s needs, simply because they aren’t available for their own. Don’t believe this is their fault and often not intentional, however it is the reality.
Active addiction needs to be a deal breaker, if it’s not you will become as sick as the active addict, in fact in my experience as a coach, you may become sicker.
People in recovery from any addiction often have a lot more to offer a partner then every day jo soaps with none of this experience. The experience I talk about s self-awareness, facing difficulty with a sense of personal responsibly and an empathy.
BUT be warned being in recovery doesn’t always mean they are working recovery, turning up to meetings and not using doesn’t equate to recovery, recovery is actionable steps, personal responsibility, honesty and openness, if they are displaying these qualities great, if not.. think about what they are displaying, not what they are saying.
Who doesn’t want a partner that is responsible, open, honest, and does healthy behaviors? Keep in mind I am not saying anyone who identifies as an addict is not date-able, am saying anyone active in addiction or in the very early stages of recovery is not available to you as a partner. This has to be a deal breaker or a put t on hold moment!
Physical, mental, verbal or emotional abuse are all deal breakers, no one ever deserves to be mis-treated at the hands of ANYONE especially their spouse.
Abuse isn’t always understood because it often presents itself slowly and can have the person on the receiving end taking responsibility for causing it. If I didn’t say this then they wouldn’t have done that.
Everyone is 100% responsible for their own behavior, you yours and them theirs, nothing you ever say or do excuses the responsibility the other has for the choice they make.
For me as a coach, I define abuse simply, as treat someone with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly, whether that be verbally, mentally, physically or emotionally.
Bruises aren’t the only effects of abusive behavior, low self-esteem, anxiety, walking on egg shells, being in a constant state of fear or undermining how you feel or what you think resulting in you doubting yourself. .
3. Refusal to grow or resolve long standing issues
Something that was once an issue but not adequately addressed with professional help, will re-occur or at the very least has a really high chance of reoccurring.
This may seem a little less serious than active addiction or abuse, however it is one that very few identify and so can spend years arguing, butting heads and creating wedges in their relationship without actually resolving them.
I consider it so serious because unresolved issues repeat themselves and even with the best intentions, depending on the issue, it can have a very severe effect on the quality of your life as their spouse.
Some examples to help you understand my point;
Someone who doesn’t address their health issues can have an unhealthy impact on your well-being within a relationship. And when/if a health crisis occurs you have to manage the consequences of that, someone who manages that takes responsibility for their wellbeing and reduces the impact it has on you!
Someone who doesn’t want to improve or manage their mental health effectively could be putting you at risk and themselves. There is nothing wrong with someone needing help and getting it, however needing it and not getting it, that has to be a deal breaker for your well-being!
Someone who has anger issues, but never gets help, will continue to have anger issues until they get help! It is that simple, the promise of getting help is very different to the action of it.
So make your deal breakers count, make them powerful and clear. That way everything else is about preferences, not well-being!
It’s ok to not like qualities in your partner, however if they put you at risk or your well-being at risk, they need to be a deal breaker.
So forget his height and her looks, go deeper to the things that will actually enhance or breakdown the quality of your life!