The Secret To Overcome Approach Anxiety (Hint: NOT “Just do it!”)

By Sarah Jones

Posted 8 years agoDATING

how to overcome approach anxiety

When you think of approaching a beautiful woman, do you feel anxious?

If so, and if you’ve ever told anyone that you feel a little nervous, chances are you’ve heard, “Dude, just do it! Get over your fear and GO FOR IT!”

If you’re anything like the men I know, that advice feels jarring, off-putting, and unhelpful.

So what happens?

It doesn’t work too well.

Either you end up (a) trying to heed that advice and force yourself on women, or way more likely (b) you do nothing.

Happily, there’s another way (c) that is much gentler, more respectful, more thoughtful, and more effective.  

Today I’m going to show you my 3-fold secret to eliminating approach anxiety without being forceful or passive, so you can approach beautiful women with ease.

Become an enjoyable man

The first thing you want to do when going about solving any issues with anxiety is to start inside and inquire at where the anxiety originates.

In the case of approach anxiety, you might say that it originates in the fear of rejection.

It’s much deeper than that though. It actually originates in being uncertain as to whether you’re bringing something valuable to the table.

Reason being, you don’t want to have the feeling you’re approaching her to “take” something from her or “get” her approval or interest. 

You want to feel that you’re offering something valuable to her as well.

Otherwise, of course you’re in a needy position!

Being a man who asks for something and gives nothing in return is the worst fear, and it underlies the “fear of rejection,” because if she rejects the fact that you’re asking something from her without giving anything in return, could you have expected anything else? It’s a given.

So you must ask yourself, “Am I actually bringing value to her in the interaction?”

This is not an automatic “yes.”

It’s a “no” if all your focus is on “getting something for nothing” from her.

It’s a “YES” if you are a pleasant man to be around, if you are an enjoyable person.

You have ways in which you are already enjoyable.

When you (a) focus on those, (b) enhance those, and (c) find evidence that other people are enjoying you more and more, you bring up your “net enjoyability,” which can help wash out any anxiety you may be bringing with you (which is not enjoyable).

To (a) focus on the ways in which you’re already enjoyable, take a few minutes to write down your favorite compliments other people have given you. You can go on and do that now if you like.

Then take your two or three favorites of those and write them on a little sticky note to put on your bathroom mirror. Take a picture of the sticky note to make the background image on your phone so you can be reminded of your qualities throughout your day.

To (b) enhance how enjoyable you are and how enjoyable you appear to be, it’s quite simple: look your best.

Dress one notch above what you’re used to for the venue you’re going to, and make sure your clothes fit well.

Also, of course be well-groomed, and take good care of your body with what you eat, what you do, and how you sleep. You are an animal, after all, and taking care of yourself makes you look awesome.

Think of a lion who’s well-exercised and well-fed. His coat glistens, and he looks healthy. Same for you, human!

To (c) find evidence that other people enjoy you, keep your eye out for these things as you’re implementing (a) and (b) above:

Notice people smiling at you more, people noticing and respecting you more, people talking and engaging with you more, people complimenting you more and pointing out things they like about you.

First all kinds of people will do this, and then the women you find most attractive will do this too. If getting a smile from a beautiful woman before you approach doesn’t eliminate approach anxiety, try this next part of my secret.  

Start with approaching women in easier venues like dance

When I asked my email list the first places they thought of when they heard, “Venues for approaching women,” over 70% of them said, “Bars and clubs.”

This sucks because 90%+ of them don’t really like approaching women in bars and clubs.

Good news is those are not the only venues. I’ve put together a list of more than 115 great venues to approach women, and bars and clubs equal exactly two of them. There are over 113 more.

Of all these venues, there is one that outshines the rest: partner dancing.

By partner dancing, I mean dancing lessons and social dances in salsa, bachata, kizomba, tango, ballroom, swing, blues, and (my favorite) blues fusion.

You can look up some videos on YouTube and see which one or two interests you the most. From there, you can google “[whatever dance style you’re curious to try] in [your city].”

When you meet women at partner dancing, it basically takes care of the approach for you. You don’t have to do anything but invite her to dance.

That’s it! That’s the approach! Everything after that is continuing the interaction, perhaps talking after your dance, perhaps flirting, perhaps getting her number. But the approach portion is solved. Done!

Once you’ve been doing that for a while, you’ll find it so much easier to start approaching women outside of dance too, but dance gets the ball rolling in the most gentle and natural way.

Focus on connecting as equals

Even once you know the value you’re bringing through understanding what’s attractive about you, looking good, and noting other people appreciating you, you still might see her as slightly above you.

In reality, you are equals. In practice, it can feel sexy sometimes to see yourself as slightly above her, as long as you are fully respecting her 100%.

If you’re an enjoyable man and she’s an enjoyable woman, why not say hello? Here are a few ways to do that:

First, you can bond over the environment. If you’re listening to a band playing, you can comment on the music. If you’re getting a drink, you can comment on your drink or hers. If you’re at the park, you can comment on the beautiful day or something about her like her dog, her dress, or her shoes.

Focusing on the environment creates an effortless bond and flows well into a conversation.

Don’t worry about being flirtatious with the very first thing you say to her, although you certainly can be.

Just get a conversation going by noticing something about what you both already have in common, which is the environment since you’re at the same place at the same time.

Another way you can remember that you’re both enjoyable people and that you’re not doing anything weird is by continually checking in with how she seems to feel in your presence and how you seem to feel in hers.

Proactively read her body language, and remember to check in with yourself too about how you’re feeling, as it’s a two-way street.

Noticing both her and yourself keeps you aware of the dynamic flowing from both sides, and awareness feels good. Much better than lack of awareness!

Now that you know this three-fold secret of being an enjoyable man, approaching in conducive venues like partner dancing, and focusing on connecting as equals, you are good to go.

No more beating yourself over the head with, “Just do it, man! Just do it!”

No need, my friend. Clearly!  

Here are your next steps: make that list of compliments from Item #1, find a dance style and venue you like in your city, and send this post to a friend you think would like it too.

About the author Sarah Jones

Sarah Jones founded Introverted Alpha
to help smart introverted men attract women naturally. Her work has been featured on AskMen, Cosmo, The Huffington Post, Business Insider, San Francisco Chronicle, and more. She loves helping men use their natural strengths to attract women, without having to use tricks or be someone they’re not. Go to , and sign up to get her free dating skills training.

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