How to Attract Girls: Why Everything You’re Trying To Do For Dating is About Convincing Her Unconscious

By Will Chou

Posted 7 years agoDATING

Have you ever heard the phrase “attraction is not a choice?”

What it means is that who someone is attracted to is not a conscious decision. Instead, it’s an unconscious, primal, genetic reaction. You can’t control it.

Understanding this is so important because most men waste their time trying to use logic to convince a girl. They sit there and try to reason with a girl’s decision-making process. They will say stuff like, “Why don’t you like me? I drive an expensive sports car, I’m muscular, and I am famous. Therefore, you have to like me.”

But it doesn’t work like that.

Today, I want to share with you how to crack the code of unconscious attraction. But don’t take my word for it. Most of this advice comes from new extensive scientific research I’ve uncovered from books like Mate, Why Women Have Sex, Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters, and the Red Queen.

Other than looks and money (which still matter — let’s not be misguided), I’ll show you what you need to do to get the girl you’ve always dreamed of.

It All Begins With Ethic

None of what I am going to tell you moving forward matters if you’re not ethical. If you try to lie, deceive, or trick women to get what you want, it won’t work. You have to think win-win. I’ll explain why.

Now, you may be thinking, “Why are you lecturing me on honesty and ethics? Who cares. I’m going to skip this section.”

The problem with that is that if you do, the next steps may not work and you’ll be scratching your head asking why. Remember, there’s only four ways you can get what you want in the dating world:

  • Rape.
  • Prostitution.
  • Trickery.
  • Making it a valuable experience for all parties so everyone wins.

The first three lead to numerous consequences that you don’t want. You can end up in jail, obviously. But you can also ruin your social reputation or deal with unwanted backlash and emotional turmoil.

Plus, you end up feeling horrible. Instead, wouldn’t you rather feel great for being honest and get what you want?

The whole principle of this philosophy is around actually developing traits and behaviors of values. Unfortunately, a lot of sleazy dating coaches and pick up artists choose the opposite short-term approach, which only gives you short-term results.

This usually means not improving any actually valuable traits and relying on improving deception skills to make it seem like they have these traits. This takes at least twice the effort and the results last for a very short period of time (until the woman finds out).

Now, let’s move on to a second core principle of attraction that is timeless, yet often overlooked. This is a key opportunity to get ahead of your competition.

Showing What You Have Beats Having It

This is a point I didn’t understand for years because no one explained it to me. When I discovered it, I felt like I had a secret power, a power I wish I got when I was much younger. What is it?

Displaying what you have is equally as important, if not more important, than having it.

Here’s a quick story to illustrate:

A few years ago, I thought it’d be a good idea to approach a bunch of girls I didn’t know on a college campus. My plan was simple. I would tell them they were cute, and transition to smooth small talk using the conversation tips I learned online. Then, I’d ask for the number.

But it didn’t go according to plan. It was a nightmare.

I got rejected and brushed off before I had finished a single sentence. And it happened over and over.

I felt so frustrated. How could they not give me a chance? I’m kind. I’m one of the hardest working people out there. I’m more ambitious than anyone else. I listed all the great traits I had in my head, and complained about how they just rejected me without getting to know me first.

Or at least that’s the story I told myself.

The truth was that in any social interaction with a girl (even ones where they gave me more of a chance to talk), I didn’t attempt to display any of my attractive traits. I dressed like I was homeless. I didn’t mention anything that hinted that I was ambitious or hard working. I acted rude instead of friendly sometimes because I was told “nice guys finish last.”

It made perfect sense that they would reject me based on what I had showed them. Why would they assume I’m not homeless if I dressed homeless? It’s a basic, but important, principle.

What’s funny is, later on, I discovered that the same principles apply to improving your career and marketing your business. How can your potential customer know you’re different from competitors unless you tell them? It’s not their responsibility to just magically know.

Now, let’s move on to what you’ve been waiting for. Here are the top unconscious psychological triggers of attraction.


There are a number of very minor unconscious triggers I found in my research. For example, having a compatible pheromone sprayed on your body increases your sexual attraction.

But rather than wasting your time on a hundred tactics that have a minor impact, you can get more results in less time by focusing on the highest points of impact. And the first is improving and displaying your willpower.

Improving Willpower

The book Willpower Instinct does a fantastic job of explaining how to improve your willpower. But if you don’t have time to read it, here’s the summary:

  • Daily exercises that train willpower through focus, like meditation, helps.
  • Structuring your life to conserve and protect your willpower by avoiding unnecessary temptation or decisions helps.
  • Daily cardiovascular exercise that gets your heart rate up will help.
  • A positive, happy mood and environment with plenty of sleep gets you in the optimal state for maximum willpower (It may sound cliche, but how many of us do it? Do you really get enough sleep?).

Showing You Have High Willpower

Having high willpower can be naturally displayed once you have it if you build a lifestyle that engages your willpower. It will naturally come up in conversation. For example, it takes strong willpower to eat healthy, exercises consistently, and deliver results at a high-power job.

Of course, you can make more an effort to mention what you do as well. Just don’t overdo it because it will like you’re arrogant and bragging. Women don’t like arrogance.

Aesthetic Proof

Aesthetic proof is about mastering your physical presentation. This is not just about grooming and fashion. This also includes body movement and artistic expression.

It Matters So Stop Being Lazy

Now, bitter men who haven’t done well with women may call this superficial. I was one of them. But the truth is that it’s not as superficial as you think, and it matters a lot. Your mental health, happiness levels, and social intelligence are reflected by how clean and pretty you make yourself, your room, and your car. Therefore, it’s best to start improving your aesthetic proof.

How To Break Out Of Bad Aesthetic Habits

There are numerous articles, sites, videos, books, and other resources on improving your fashion and grooming, so I won’t go into extreme detail. The problem is that you still may not do it.

I dressed like a homeless man for years despite watching dozens of fashion videos because I thought I couldn’t afford it and it was too much work.

Here’s how I broke out of it:

Use a minimalist wardrobe. With just a few articles of clothing, you can create hundreds of variations. By investing in clothes that fit well and suit your age, you can look much better than people who have hundreds of outfits that are too baggy or tight.

Start small. Rather than overwhelm yourself with clothing choices when you wake up, just make one change. It could be as simple as wearing cooler shoes than the ugly slip-on’s you’re used to. You don’t have to change your whole outfit overnight.

Grooming Yourself and Your Space


Obvious things. Shave your unibrow and overgrown body hair. Brush your teeth. Keep your nails cut and clean. Floss. Use conditioner after shampooing so your hair stays healthy. Don’t save money on haircut, it’s the frame of your face. Buy quality clothes.

Space Mastery:

This is one of the most overlooked areas of presentation. Men show up to dates with cars overflowing with garbage. When they invite a woman to their home, their rooms are cluttered with needless items and looks messier than a pig sty.

This repels women. A messy outer life is an indicator of a messy inner life (in the form of mental health, conscientiousness, and practical intelligence).

A simple solution is to practice minimalism. You don’t have to become a hermit, but if you have less stuff in your room, there’s less stuff to clutter things up and make it look disorganized. Women love decorations and furniture, so don’t strip away everything because it doesn’t let you present pretty objects in an organized fashion.

Body Movement and Creative Expression

How you walk across the room can tell a girl a lot about you. Your posture, body movement, walking pace, stride, and body energy can tell a girl how physically healthy, confident, important, and purposeful you are. These are important cues that go unnoticed by most men, but are unconsciously diagnosed by a woman on an unconscious level before you get a chance to speak a word.

On top of that, creative expression has been one of the oldest forms of genetic attraction in human civilization. Music has been here since the dawn of time, for instance, and it’s been used to court women and display superior intelligence.

So how can you improve these?

Go to dance classes. Take up a musical instrument. Take up painting or drawing. Become a writer. Join a comedy class. Learn photography.

The options are numerous. I suggest picking just one that you think you’d like and has women there. That way, you kill two birds with one stone. As you are improving in this area, you get a chance to practice displaying the skill.

More physically demanding skills like dance will improve your body movements, while less strenuous skills will improve your creative skill.

I recommend picking a genre of the skill that is appealing to modern women. For example, classical piano is great, but women would prefer EDM or Daft Punk-like keyboard skills. Remember, perfection is not the goal here. A compromise may do wonders. A salsa or bachata class may not be as cool or masculine as you want, but it may bring the women who would be interested in you.

Romantic Proof

Did you know that most women would pick a fun, engaging, loyal middle-income man over a boring, workaholic, negligent millionaire? While money is important, it is often overemphasised.

That’s why you need romantic proof. In essence, it’s about proving your loyalty to a girl by demonstrating extra attention and investment in her. Now, some of you may be thinking this won’t matter to you because you’re looking for short-term hook-ups. However, romantic proof is still important for short-term relationships because women still look for that investment even if they’re looking to just fool around.

Before we get to how to improve and display this, let’s explain why this is an important, primal, unconscious attraction trigger.

It’s quite simple. Since the dawn of human civilisation, women have been screening men for those who will stay loyal and care for their child after they are impregnated. It’s a constant battle because women have to carry a baby for 9 months, while men are biologically built to spread their seed as far and as wide as possible, with as many women. Men are biologically inclined to want to abandon women and sleep around (not saying they all do).

That’s why all the female pop songs are (and will be) about “Are you the one I’ve been looking for who actually loves me and will stay with me?” and all the male pop songs are (and will be) about, “Look how much of a baller I am. I have all this money and sexiness. Will you sleep with me tonight?”

By demonstrating that you are investing extra time and attention into a single woman that you aren’t in others, you are consciously and unconsciously triggering a lot of attraction. It’s not rocket science. There’s a reason why romantic films and books make up a billion dollar industry for women. Yet so many men don’t do it well.

Mastering Romantic Proof

The romantic proof is the opposite of throwing money at a girl with little thought. For a rich man, it’s easy to swipe a credit card and spend thousands of dollars on a banquet of flowers you put little thought into. It takes more of your precious time and brainpower to come up with a thoughtful handmade gift that pulls at her emotional heartstrings.

That’s why you will see a lot of pop singers, like Jennifer Lopez, write songs about how “all this money doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t put thought into it and give me more attention.”

Therefore, take some time to see how you can demonstrate that investment. If her lifestyle involves a lot of travel and she’s lugging around a heavy suitcase all the time, buy her a wheeling suitcase. If she always talks about how she loves flowers and always wears flower bands, weave your own flower band for her. If she always talks about how she loves a certain cologne you wear, make sure you buy and wear more of that cologne rather than just ignore her.

A failure of romantic proof would be hearing her hint all the time how she would love a new flower band, and buying her a $200 gift card to Express instead. It shows that you were too lazy to invest any thought into a gift and that you would rather lean on just throwing money at her. It only gets worse if you don’t even have much money to spend on her.

Mental Health

Many men are depressed and they think that getting a girlfriend or hooking up will make them happy. It doesn’t. On top of that, depression, psychosis, disorders, and other mental issues are reflected on a subtle level in social interactions and repel women.

Therefore, if you want to be successful with women, it pays to improve your happiness and mental health.

For any severe cases, you are best consulting a psychiatrist or trained professional. For mild cases, there are books like the How of Happiness that unearth why modern society and technology make you depressed, and go through A to Z on how to improve your happiness based on decades of scientific research.

Here’s a quick summary of tips from the book:

  • Volunteer.
  • Give to others.
  • Keep a gratitude journal.
  • Savour any awesome moments, no matter how small.
  • Form strong social relationships (two or three is enough).

Emotional, Social, and Practical Intelligence.

Notice how I didn’t just define this section as “intelligence.”

When I was younger, I fell into the same trap that most nerds do. I assumed that intelligence just meant how book smart you were (mathematical and reasoning skills). I was frustrated that women said they liked smart guys, but didn’t like me.

Well, book smarts fall under academic intelligence. Out of the many forms of intelligence, they are the least correlated with female unconscious attraction. Scientists reason this is because they were less useful for success and wealth accumulation until very recently in the grand timeline of human civilization.

Instead, emotional, social, and practical intelligence reign.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) involves the ability to identify accurately the emotions of others and effectively navigate those situations.

Social intelligence (SI) involves being able to effectively navigate social situations. This includes being able to approach people, keeping a conversation going, engaging others, making others feel comfortable, and appearing warm.

Practical intelligence (PI) is about surviving in the real world. It’s about effectively being able to manage skills that are necessary to effectively living in the world, like fixing a tire, reading a map, and getting to a job interview on time.

So how do you improve these?

EQ and SI go hand in hand. If you can put yourself in more social interactions at work or in your free time, and learn from your mistakes, you will be improving these. For example, you can get a job as a bartender and learn from all your interactions. It’s important to reflect and see situations from other people’s perspective because it helps you actually improve rather than a plateau.

PI can be learned through conscious trial and error. By putting in an effort to learn from a friend, family member, or class, you can improve basic skills that are admired among men, like fixing a toilet or getting an oil change.

Display your intelligence. I was fooled

When I was younger, the internet’s dating advice was dominated by generic top 5 tips that were useless, and pick-up artist advice. Most of the pick up artists had it wrong. They had all these short-term tactics to make it seem like they were better at social skills than they actually were. Instead of actually building true, wholesome skills, they build upon pillars of sand that crumbled.

Instead, put yourself into these social situations often, learn from them, and your skills will naturally reflect through as you improve.


A core part of mental health and intelligence is humor. One of the first things you will often hear women say is that they want a guy who is funny. It’s not some conspiracy among all the billions of women in the world. Instead, it’s an indirect indicator of these two genetic attraction switches they’re not even consciously aware they’re looking for.

Men who had great mental health and intelligence survived and reproduced. Those who didn’t do not. It’s a dangerous world out there with many predators. Our ancestors were the ones who succeeded and were more likely to help their wives and children succeed

Therefore, women unconsciously select for these by looking for humor because being funny requires mental agility and health.

But How Can I Be More Funny?

You may already have enough mental agility and health to be funny. You just aren’t leveraging the basic principles of humor to attempt to be funny.

Becoming more funny boils down to timeless principles taught in stand-up comedy classes. Take a class for more details, but it comes down to:

  • Timing
  • Tragedy
  • A lot of trial and error.

Humor is just tragedy and timing. It’s about turning a rather unfortunate event on it’s head, into something that’s ridiculous. You don’t have to become the world’s funniest comedian. Just managing to pull a single joke out of your butt that disarms a girl from giving you the cold shoulder could put you way ahead of your competition.

Make sure you try different jokes out in safe environments because even the best comedians put in a lot of trial and error to find what works and what doesn’t.

Conclusion: Bringing It All Together

You may be overwhelmed by all the laws of attraction that you have to work on. Don’t. No one is perfect at everything. Even the most successful men are only above average in most of these areas and make up for it with their strengths.

I have on bonus piece of advice that will bring this all together:

Plug your weaknesses and just have fun.

No matter how amazing you are at one of these attraction triggers, it doesn’t matter if you’re a 1 out of 10 in another. Anything below average will repel women. Think of the poorly dressed millionaire who hasn’t showered in months. Or the ripped bodybuilder who is broke and arrogant. Therefore, it’s best to fix your weaknesses first because in dating, they act as repellants that trump all else.

As far as having fun, you can end up giving up from overwhelm and repel women by trying too hard (they can sense desperation or hidden intent). If you just take the attitude of “I’m here to improve and just have fun”, you will grow faster and not put all this pressure on interactions that ends up ruining things.

Good luck, and remember, above all else, stay ethical.

About the author Will Chou

Will Chou uses science and curated study of the world's best to help Millenials perform better, feel happier, achieve their goals, and earn more. He blogs and podcasts at

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