Divorce Advice for Men: How to Cope with a Divorce and Make it Run Smoothly

By Elizabeth S. Coyle

Posted 2 years agoDATING

After you and your better half go through a wedding planning, a wedding itself, committing yourself to each other and building marital relationships, it looks like a bolt out of the blue when one decides to look for divorce services. When your marriage is about to end, the hardest days are around the corner.
How to Cope with Divorce as a Man

Men often realize through the divorce process that the separation is taking a greater toll on them than their former partner. It’s no surprise, but men generally have a harder time coping with divorce.

Men need specific divorce advice. They need guidance on how to handle the loss of a relationship. Not to mention practical assistance for the ongoing struggle that can come with separating assets or time with children. 

Except for many financial and physical health problems, a breakup leads to despair, low self-esteem, and resentment that can last for many years to come, if not a lifetime. When this happens, it might seem for you impossible to live a normal life and become happy again.

It doesn’t make any sense to sugar coat every legal divorce online and say that it is easy to heal from a breakup; however, never forget that after rain comes fair weather. The truth is that almost half of all marriages fall apart sooner or later.

This means that you are far not the only person to heal from heartache and you surely are not the last one, too. Below, some pieces of advice will inspire you to begin a long haul toward recovery and finally help you to feel happy again.

1. Never pretend like everything is fine when it is not

It is reported that breaking up a marriage is one of the most traumatic experiences people happen to live. It is always tough on all to divide their assets, decide who gets custody, and, ironically, get over the loss of their partners. And even if your spouse cheated on you, turned out to be unconcerned or even violent; one day, you thought that he or she was your perfect match. For this very reason, you will feel brokenhearted.

Of course, accepting the emotional pain of a broken heart is always hard, especially when it is your marriage that is falling apart. However, only when you allow yourself to truly experience your feelings, a healing process will start. But if you think that ignoring your heartache and pretending like nothing is happening will help you, you are on the wrong path.

If something prevents you from accepting your feelings, then try psychotherapy. A professional counselor will guide you through your dark days and help you to deal with your emotions so that you can move on more easily. 

2. Don’t hurry things alone

Everybody would love to know exactly the day and the hour when he or she is a hundred percent healed and is ready to date again. In real life, this is not going to happen. Truth be told, the time you will need to get back on track will greatly depend on what kind of relationships you got and how you ended them.

While some people had hardly got married before they decided to use a divorce do it yourself kit, others have a long-married life before they break up. While some couples have a quick divorce online, others go through a financially and emotionally draining process of separation, etc. Depending on where you were at the end of your family life, you will need much or little time to fetch your second wind.

Even if everybody is trying to talk you into going on a date, you are the only person who knows when the time is ripe for it. Your mental well-being is what matters most. Only when you are healed, you can have a romantic relationship that is both healthy and satisfying. 

3. Add more physical activity to your routine

Do you know that physical activity can help you combat your depression and release your anxiety? If not, then now you know. When you go through a divorce, you probably often feel like your strength is oozing away and your emotions are running high. At such times, increasing your stamina and sustaining your health is the best way to start your healing. 

Divorce has a physical impact on people: the latter stop exercising, eating healthy, and taking care of themselves. If this all is about you, then it is time to put yourself up and add some physical activity to your routine. Join a football or baseball team, land a local gym, or simply start jogging every morning, and you will see how stronger your body gets, how clear your mind becomes, and how your attitude to life changes.

4. Stop checking on your ex’s updates

Even when your marriage is ended on paper, learning from social media about your ex dating someone or, what is even worse, getting remarried can cause you a lot of pain. That’s why it makes sense to remove your connections to him or her, especially if you make friends on social media. This is also important for forgiveness. If you are continuously checking on your ex, you don’t let it go. And without forgiveness, it is impossible to heal. 

Of course, if you have kids, then you will have to interact with each other for better or worse. But this doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to be tied via all your accounts. Many digital tools will help you co-parent in a manner that is most convenient for you.

5. Accept the Inevitable

Many people fight the finalization of their divorce or learn during the separation that they would rather avoid the subject. You can’t avoid the finality of this aspect. Eventually, you and your former spouse will have to sign on a piece of paper that will dissolve your marriage.

Of course, it is possible that you are going to date your ex-spouse after a divorce, but it’s unlikely. The faster you embrace the inevitable changes in your life, the sooner you are going to open up yourself for the new opportunities and dates.

Separation with someone you loved is a very rough thing for many people to confront. It’s almost like having someone close died. Your marriage is ending the same way it began, and that should symbolize something for you when you got married and signed that paper with the same person, you had many happy times. Taking that context into thought, signing a divorce decree can lead to many happy times as well. 

6. Envision Your Future

Right now, your life is a whirlwind. You might be searching for a new place to live, sorting out your personal belongings, and fighting over redefining “normal” life. When you’re in a divorce or separation, you get stuck in the moment. Usually, that’s a good thing, but in this situation, you’re ruminating on stress. Rather than sit and stew about the situation at the moment, think of the things you will do soon. 

Many married people don’t envision a future without their spouse and during a divorce that can leave men feeling as if their future doesn’t exist. Envision the house you will move into or the free time that you’ll have to fill.

Take a few moments to think of a few positive things that can come your way in the next few months. Focus on your personal growth and use free time on developing your passions and hobbies. Maybe there is some activity you wanted to do but never have time? It’s a perfect moment to focus on that. Spend some time asking yourself about where and how you can find a hobby you will love to soothe the pain of divorce, and maybe meet new people.

7. You Cannot be a Hero or a Villain

Too often, couples try to make the other person the ‘bad guy’. But there is no good guy, or bad guy, just two people who can’t be together anymore. If there are children involved, taking away the fault mentality can make the entire transition easier.

When confronted with statements from friends or family members, there is a simple response that can stop any negative talk in its tracks. Say, “It takes two people to get married, and two to get divorced,” or be a little more upfront and say, “I don’t want to talk to you about my divorce.”

8. Is it cheesy?

Yes. But, even if you hate your former spouse right now, you probably don’t want to listen to your friend complain about them for thirty minutes. Alternatively, you can respond the same way when someone apologizes as if you are the one suffering an extreme loss in this situation. 

Taking that stance that there are no heroes or villains in divorce proceedings can make the legal aspects easier too. The entire event is emotional. However, if you can approach the division of assets analytically, you’ll save yourself a lot of frustration.

Emotional ties are among the many reasons that people call in attorneys. Divorce lawyers don’t have years of emotional investment or obligation. Instead, they look at numbers and help you make decisions that seem fair. 

9. Seek Out Advice from Qualified People

Since spreading the word about your separation, people have probably told you to settle it all between yourself. The issue here is that these people have no idea what your situation is at home. Even people that are close to you can’t have any way of knowing how you and your spouse interact privately. 

Unfortunately, your friends, family members, and coworkers simply can’t provide decent advice. You need legal advice. Hire an attorney that can explain how divorce works and what aspects of divorce apply to you.

For example, you may have debt that you will have to share for years into the future. It’s unlikely that you and your partner would have considered that when dividing up your assets privately. 

10. Clearly Define Your Pain Points

Everything seems like a sore subject when you’re discussing divorce. However, if you can clearly pin down two or three issues that really matter to you that can have a huge impact. For example, say you have a mortgage together, own a car, and have children. Fairly standard. 

But if your pain point is that you love the house and want to keep it, you have other aspects of bartering with for a beneficial outcome. You might not have too much pull when it comes to child custody schedules, but if you are willing to give, you’re more likely to get. 

Be sure to discuss any pain points with your attorney. Don’t be afraid to discuss material items, possessions, or personal finances. During a divorce, you need to evaluate the value and personal importance of things that you have cherished together, such as a house, or certain possessions. 

11. Get Out of the House 

Sitting at home binge-watching, a show that you’ve seen a hundred times will not improve your mood. The free time that you do have now should go to a good purpose. While your lawyer is handling aspects such as paperwork and evaluating the value of assets, you can start socializing. 

You don’t need to go out to a bar or a club. Do something that fits your personality and style. If you really want to stay home, then host a Fight Night and invite friends over to watch an MMA match. Spend more time with your relatives or reconnect with some of your old friends. 

The important part here is that you don’t go from having people around you all the time to being alone. Alone is an option, and you can choose to start building new relationships with other people in your life. Schedule events ahead of time, such as attending a concert or taking a long weekend out of town with friends. 

12. Learn how to get over it from books

With no doubt, learning a few pieces of advice from books written by the experts, who have happened to be in the same situation as you, is hard to overestimate.


This will help you start a healing process and get back on track as soon as
possible. The most popular picks include Divorce for Dummies, Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Two Homes, Getting Past Your Breakup, etc.

A Step-by-Step Guide to Getting a Quicker & Easier Divorce

Between 40 and 50% of married American couples get divorced. Despite how common divorces occur, there’s a lot people don’t know about the divorce process.

How long does divorce take? What’s the cost of the average divorce? What does the divorce process even look like?

The road ahead can seem daunting. With a plan, however, you can make the divorce process fast and easy. Instead of
navigating in the dark, you can avoid pitfalls and speed up the process.

Discover a fast and easy divorce with this helpful guide!

1. Make Sure

Before starting the divorce process, make sure you’re sure.

You’re about to make a life-changing m decision. If you have kids, it could impact their lives, too. Filing for divorce will change parts of your life you might not have considered, including your finances and current lifestyle.

Before filing for a divorce, make sure to review your options. Can you and your spouse work out your problems? Maybe you want to consider speaking with a marriage counselor to work through your issues.

Once you file the divorce papers, it’s difficult to undo the process. It could also create a rift between you and your spouse that you can’t repair.

Make sure your certain before you start using the rest of these tips.

Support

Once you make the decision to file for divorce, make sure to gather a support team around you. Do you have any friends or family members who have worked through this process in the past? Turn to them for guidance.

Ask questions about their own divorce
process. Was it a fast divorce? Did they ever regret the decision?

What made them sure that a divorce was the
right decision?

Speaking with someone who has gone through
a divorce will help you learn more about the process. You can prepare yourself
for the steps you need to take ahead. Beyond that, however, it can also provide
you with a shoulder to lean on.

Divorce is oftentimes an emotional process.
Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. Instead, create a support
team of friends and family members who can guide you along the way.

2. Organize Your Finances

About 69% of
Americans
have less than $1,000 in their savings account. Before
filing for divorce, you’re going to need to consider your financial situation.

Ask your spouse about your current
financial situation. You don’t have to mention divorce at this point. Instead,
learn everything you can about your family’s monthly expenses.

Where are you spending money? How much?
You’ll also need to determine how much debt you’re in and if you have any
investments.

The divorce process involves distributing
assets and debts equally. Learning as much about your financial
situation as possible now will help when you file for divorce.

What do you and your spouse own?
Possessions can include cars, your marital home, and anything in your accounts.
You’ll also want to consider pension plans, inheritances, and possessions.

If possible, find documentation for any
possessions and assets. How much are they worth? When were the items purchased?

If you have recent documentation of a real
estate appraisal, grab that, too.

Otherwise, get copies of your bank
statements and credit report. The report will list any debts you have.

Do you have recent income tax return
statements and pay stubs? If you or your spouse are self-employed, grab bank
account statements instead.

You’ll need copies of these documents for
you and your lawyer.

3. Have a Plan

How long does divorce take? The process
depends on you and your spouse. Regardless, you’ll want to have a long-term
plan, just in case.

First, establish a budget to follow after
your divorce. Consider your current cost of living. Once the divorce is
finalized, your income will likely decrease.

As a result, you’ll need to adjust how much
you spend each month.

Try to make a financial plan for yourself.
You can start by making a list of your current expenses. Split your expenses
into categories like transportation, food, rent and utilities, and
entertainment.

Estimating how much you’re spending now
can help during divorce negotiations.

Some married couples keep all lines of
credit under one spouse’s name. If you don’t have any credit cards under your
name, it can take time to establish credit. Consider getting a credit card
under your name before you file for a divorce.

Then, make small purchases over time. Try
to use your credit card sparingly. The point is to establish a good credit
score.

In the meantime, avoid moving out of your
marital home. If you want to stay in your home after the divorce, moving out
prematurely could affect the outcome.

4. Start Interviewing

In order to avoid any bumps down the road,
consider hiring a divorce lawyer. There are over 76,258
family law and divorce lawyers in the country. Working with a lawyer can help
you avoid legal problems that can prolong the divorce process.

For example, filing the wrong paperwork
could cause unnecessary delays.

Instead, make sure you find a lawyer who
has years of experience with divorce law. Their prior experience will help
streamline the process. Otherwise, they could slow you down.

First, check the Martindale-Hubbel law
directory. Start drafting a list of prospective lawyers to contact.

Next, make sure they’re currently licensed
to practice law. You can check their credentials by visiting your local bar
association’s website.

Once you have a short list, take the time
to interview each one. Make sure the lawyer you choose has availability.
Otherwise, they’ll split their focus between your case and another.

Don’t forget to ask about their fees. The
cost of the average divorce is about $15,000 per person. That
includes attorney’s fees, court costs, and hiring outside experts.

If you file an uncontested divorce,
however, it might cost a minimum of $1,000.

5. Gather Evidence

Before filing for divorce, you’ll want to
make sure you have all the documentation for your case. These can include:

  • Share online account documentation
  • Mortgages
  • Car documentation
  • Financial account records
  • Phone records

Make sure to review these documents with
your lawyer. They might determine you need other documentation to improve your
case.

6. File Uncontested

If you want a fast and easy divorce, your
best option is to file uncontested.

Uncontested divorces are also referred to
as no-fault divorces. You can only file an uncontested divorce if you and your
spouse are amicable and agreeable. In these cases, you’re both able to agree on
how you want to divide joint assets without arguing.

An uncontested divorce is also ideal if
there are no wrongdoings such as abuse, mental cruelty, or adultery.

How long does it take to finalize divorce
when filing uncontested? If you’re both committed, it might only take a few
months.

Whether you plan on filing uncontested or
not, it’s important to hire an experienced divorce lawyer. They’ll make sure
you correctly submit your paperwork to the court. Otherwise, a judge might
reject your paperwork if the content wasn’t legally sufficient.

Even if you and your spouse are in total
agreement, filing incorrectly could slow the process down.

Filing uncontested will also help you avoid
going to court. Again, this can help speed up the process. Otherwise, you’ll
have to wait for your court date, which could take a while.

Other Options

How long does divorce take? It really
depends on your situation.

For example, let’s say you don’t have kids
or many assets to fight over. In that case, you can complete your divorce
within two to three months.

What if you’re amicable, but there are
still areas that require negotiation? In these cases, you’ll need a meditator.
The meditator will act as a neutral third party to help you and your spouse
work out the negotiations.

If you require a meditator, the process can
take a few months or a few years. It depends on how long it takes you and your
spouse to come to an agreement.

It more complicated situations, you’ll need
to consider arbitration. In these cases, you and your spouse will work with a
judge or attorneys to work through your issues. Unlike a mediator, however, the
arbitrator can make decisions when you can’t.

For example, let’s say you need to discuss
child support.

With arbitration, the divorce judge will consider both sides
of the story. Then, they’ll decide on a set amount for child support for
you.

How long does divorce take with an
arbitrator? Usually, arbitration is a lot faster than going to court.

If you have to wait for court dates, the
process could take between three or four years.

The duration of your divorce depends on you
and your spouse. How long will it take for the two of you to come to an
agreement? If you can agree, filing the paperwork is fast and easy.

How Long Does Divorce Take?: Your Guide to
Making It Fast and Easy

How long does divorce take? Really, it
depends on you and your spouse. With these tips, you can speed up the process
and hopefully finalize everything within a few months.

Searching for post-divorce tips? Check the
Dating section of the blog today.

About the author Elizabeth S. Coyle

Elizabeth S. Coyle is the current Director of Client Services forJacksonWhite Attorneys at Law based in Mesa, Arizona. She serves as a paralegal for the Family Law Department of the firm.