How to Stop Feeling Desperate When It Comes to Dating

By Lauren Adley

Posted 2 years agoDATING

Feeling desperate is a terrible feeling that literarily sabotages your happiness, love life, and long-term future. Desperation is the result of many disempowering mental associations (a.k.a. beliefs) that have somehow managed to shape your reality.

When it comes to dating, desperate partners will always suffer in one way or another. Whether it’s self-tormenting, self-sabotaging, or various forms of abuse from the partner, desperation is the root of unhappiness that must be addressed, understood, and fixed.

If you obsess about being single and talk a lot about love, women, and relationships, you might be desperate. If you rarely take a break from dating just because you can’t be alone, you might be desperate.

When you’re constantly disappointed about your relationships, decisions, and outcomes, you are trapped in a terrible cycle that will keep unfulfilled until you realize that you need to change your ways.

My best friend used to be in the same spot…a 30-year old guy who was needy, desperate, and insecure. Even though every dating desperation situation is different, I totally understand how difficult it is to break through and start becoming an independent and self-fulfilled person.

Nevertheless, in today’s post, I’m going to share several insightful tips and tricks that should help you shift your perspective and cure the desperate needs and feelings once and for all.

Acknowledge Your Fears

Desperation is the result of fear. Think about it…

  • Are you afraid to be lonely?
  • Are you afraid that you’re not good enough?
  • Are you afraid that he or she is going to treat you in the wrong way?
  • Are you afraid that you’re going to be ditched and replaced?
  • Are you afraid of repeating your past?
  • Are you afraid of being accepted/rejected?
  • Are you afraid that you’re settling for less?

The list of fears can go on – it doesn’t matter. Fear is the fuel of desperate behaviour. The moment you realize that the moment you’ll stop blaming yourself or other people your disappointments.

Start working on your fears. Address each fear and ask yourself – “Why am I afraid of this?”. Keep asking yourself this question until you can verbalize an answer. Once you get an answer, look at it objectively.

Ask yourself…is that a belief that I’ve collected or is it the absolute truth? I can tell you right now that everything is related to your belief system, and that your perspective is all that matters.

Change it and you’ll fix the root of your desperation.

Forget About the Past and Future

The past is an illusion because even if you were a genius, you wouldn’t be able to memorize and perfectly recall all the details from a past relationship or event.

When we think about a past event that bothers us, we’re actually reimagining the situation (not really recalling it). When we reimagine things, we’re subjective, which means that we’re merely experiencing an illusion.

It works the same way with the future. If you think about “what’s going to happen”, you’re unconsciously creating an illusion that you get attached to. This illusion will often affect you negatively.

The solution?

Stop overthinking and focus on the present moment. Let things be and simply direct your attention to what’s in front of you. Whenever you date, stop your past and future thoughts and focus on the dating partner. Give him/her your unconditional attention and you’ll learn so much more.

You are Not Your Thoughts and Emotions

When you feel desperate, needy, clingy, or insecure, you need to remember that you are not your feelings. You have feelings, but they are not you.

Perceive your thoughts and emotions like clouds. You are the sky that will always be there, but the clouds will come and go. Whenever you catch yourself in a disempowering state of mind, simply remember to stop identifying yourself with those thoughts and feelings and shift your attention towards the present moment.

Establish Significant Life Goals and Start Working on Them

In my case, the desperation to have a great relationship and love life has slowly faded away the moment I began focusing on my professional career. Once I became a manager, I’ve realized that other types of achievements (other than dating achievements) are allowing me to see the bigger picture.

I’m highly advising you to focus your attention on what you want to achieve, both in personal and professional life. Perform a goal-setting session that doesn’t include “dating”, “love”, “relationships”, and “romantic happiness”.

Figure out what you want to become in this life and start working towards that. In the meanwhile, you can date and experiment. Instead of making love a priority, make yourself the priority.

Don’t Have Expectations while Dating

As a last piece of advice, I’d highly suggest you stop caring so much. Ditch the expectations and simply enjoy the beauty of meeting other people.

You don’t have to be rigid. Just simply be. Talk, laugh, kiss, have sex, and do whatever you feel without placing a label on what is happening.

If you love yourself, you will be able to do that. If you don’t, you’ll rely on other people to give you that happiness. If you see yourself as an independent being who can live with or without the validation of others, ditching the expectations while dating will be a piece of cake!


Focus on yourself. I bet you’ve heard this advice million times, and here I am, offering the same suggestion. You absolutely need to understand what it means to love yourself, and then you have to do it.

The nature of a healthy relationship is comprised of two independent people who love themselves before they start loving each other. True happiness comes from within. Start pointing all the love towards you and you’ll eventually notice how your desperate feelings start to fade away.

Your energy and vibe will change, and you ‘ll start attracting people who are truly meant to be. It’s a lot of work. Be patient and have faith. When you start loving yourself, everything will change!

About the author Lauren Adley

Lauren Adley is a writer and editor at Best Essay and EssayWritingLab. She is dedicated to her family, work and friends. She is keen on reading, playing the guitar and traveling. She is interested in educational, marketing and blogging issues. Feel free to connect with her on Twitter.