Socially Awkward? How To Find a Partner When You Are a Weirdo, Shy, or Ultra Unique

By Patrick Banks

Posted 3 months agoDATING

Maybe you had an awkward interaction with a woman once, you couldn’t find a girlfriend for a long time, or you can’t seem to make interacting with the opposite sex as natural as your friends do.

I’m too socially awkward to get a girlfriend.

I don’t know how to talk to women.

There’s something about me that just puts women off.

If you’re socially awkward, one or more of these statements has probably passed through your head at one point. But here’s the thing: there’s nothing wrong with you, and you’re definitely not alone being socially awkward.

In fact, the average person exhibits 32 percent of the characteristics associated with being socially awkward, and there may even be some advantages to not being the best at social skills. But how to find a girlfriend if you feel like a total freak? Let me tell you something, and believe me I am totally honest and firmly believe that:

It’s great to be freaky

Being a bit ‘freaky’, ‘weird’, ‘awkward’, ‘strange’, ‘nerdy’ is great, as long as you have good intentions! It’s what we can call PERSONALITY.

Your uniqueness may sometimes feel like a burden in a society where everyone copies another. Be proud of being different. Nevertheless, not fitting into the mainstream group, could make you a victim of bullying in the past, leading to feeling awkward in social interactions.

As long as it’s great to be a bit weird, unique, strange or whatever, social awkwardness taken to the extreme can sabotage your dating life and stop you from growing emotionally as a person.

The good news is that you can overcome the barriers that prevent you from being more confident around women and slowly learn to approach them. However, if you’re looking for a quick hack, this isn’t it.

How to get a girlfriend? As easy as it would be to become a master of dating, change does happen overnight. Since many of the factors that cause social awkwardness stem from how you perceive yourself as a person, you will need to take the time to work on yourself and, yes, practice.

Here’s how.

Start by removing the labels you’ve put on yourself

Even though you have certain characteristics, don’t let them limit you. Use them to your advantage or free yourself from the labels. Just be how you want to be.

How do you describe your social awkwardness? I’m willing to bet it’s not something like “I lack the skill to stay confident in public” or “I have this or that behavior that women don’t like.” 

 And probably more along the lines of “Women hate how I behave,” “I’m too weird,” or “I can’t act normal in social situations.”  

This is something a lot of socially awkward people have in common, actually. They believe that social awkwardness doesn’t come from the lack of a skill they haven’t mastered yet, but because there’s something inherently wrong with them.

This harmful label you put on yourself is bringing you down more than anything. As long as you think you’re damaged, or that there’s nothing you can do to fix that, you’re pulling yourself in a vicious circle of self-sabotage.

The way you perceive yourself is reflected in your behaviour; not just in your words and conscious gestures, but also in the small, non-verbal cues that women pick up. As long as you hate yourself and feel unattractive, not only women but people, in general, will sense an “off” vibe about you.

So, if you want to get better at dating, you have to start by working on yourself and growing your confidence. Stay physically active. Apart from being healthy, sports make you feel stronger and release hormones that make you more confident. 

Try meditation if you haven’t already. It’s a great way to become more in tune with your emotions, control your anxiety, and reduce stress. Take a break from social media and stop comparing yourself to influencers and celebrities – they’re ordinary people, and what they post on social media is nothing more than an image. If you’re struggling to control your nerves in social settings, consider exploring products, which can help you calm down.

Work on the little things that do wonders for boosting your confidence. How do you dress? Do you really feel your best self in the clothes you wear? We’re not here to preach and tell you to change your style completely, but try to invest more in quality clothes that fit because they can make you feel like a million dollars.

How to Find a Girlfriend

GOD I was an awkward kid.Seriously…

Looking back over the years, the stuff that I used to do and say was just… Cringeworthy.

And it was worse around women.

Every time I found myself around a beautiful woman, it’s like my eyes rolled back into my head and I became a different person.

I would feel my legs tremble…

My palms get sweaty…

My heart pound furiously in my chest…

My eyes would dart around every corner of the room…

And my voice would crack, slurring my words…

Long story short – it was awkward as hell.

How To Not Be Awkward Around Beautiful Women

That was around the time I met Andrew.

Andrew was not a good looking guy… Far from it actually. He was decidedly, well, average!

But whenever we hung out, all the girls in our group would hover around him and hang on to his every word, eagerly awaiting his next (not so) hilarious joke, leaning on him with their hands firmly placed on his bicep, with huge smiles spread across their faces, while Andrew just sat there and…

And did nothing really.

See Andrew was no playboy.

Attracting women like moths to a flame was entirely by accident for him, and it took a completely random experiment with Nofap, a gorgeous blondie on a street corner and a kickboxing injury (seriously, ask me about it) for me to understand the power of Andrew’s tractor beam-like magnetism.

The ‘Pothead’ Method

people think im high

Do you know any potheads? Or better yet, are you one?

Andrew sure as hell was, and it was totally the reason why he wasn’t awkward around women and as a result, women found him to be irresistible (even with his big Jewish nose).

Now, I’m not telling you to go get high – far from it.

I actually haven’t smoked weed in well almost ten years now. But it doesn’t stop me from using this stuff I learned from watching Andrew anyway.

I know I know – ‘Get on with it Pat!’

Look, when you watch movies of attractive masculine archetypes, what is characteristic of their behaviour?

They tend to have very, very slow movements… They never seem to be in any hurry, and are completely and totally relaxed as hell. Even when James Bond is getting shot at, he never seems to get worked up or lose his cool.

When they speak to women, are they vomiting words like Rambo’s machine gun tearing through southeast Asian dictatorships? Of course not… Every word tends to be slow, controlled and impactful.

rambo

Do they try to impress everyone around them by constantly chatting away and being the center of attention? Nope. They’re completely at ease, expressing themselves only when they feel it necessary. In the words of a friend of mine “I only speak if I can take it somewhere” (which, coincidentally, happens to be the secret to seductive conversation – message me if you want me to write about this!)

What about their eyes? Darting around nervously and excitedly? Nope. They have, what women call, the ‘Bedroom Eyes’ – which usually means their eyelids are dropped slightly, almost as if they just woke up, and their pupils are dilated, giving them big attractive eyes, intense but relaxed.

Now, go over that list one more time…

Do you know who else (accidentally) embodies those characteristics?

Stoners! That’s who.

Amazing right?!

That’s what made Andrew so irresistible. He wasn’t cut from a different cloth, nor was he particularly good-looking (did I mention the big Jewish nose?).

In fact, if you look into these attractive traits, you’ll find that they have nothing to do with how you look. You can effortlessly embody these traits even if you look like your face has been rammed repeatedly by an 18-wheeler!

That’s good news!

Because it also means that no matter where you are right now in your development…

No matter what you look like…

And no matter how awkward you are around women…

You can actually turn yourself into this cool, suave guy if you apply this one, simple principle below.

Already… ready?!

Relax

Seriously, that’s all it takes!

You are awkward because you are anxious, and you are anxious because you think hot women are better than you… And therefore you think you have to do tons of things to impress them.

Look, you’ve tried it your way, now try it Andrew’s way.

Slow everything down… Imagine you’re walking in a pool of water… Slow your movements, breathe deep and feel your feet on the ground.

I promise you won’t feel awkward anymore.

And a nice side bonus is that women will actually start to enjoy being around you.

Go get em tiger 😉

Ok, but maybe you need a few more details how to actually behave once you ditch your anxiety and approach the girl you like… Here is how to

How to Get Through the Initial Awkwardness After Approaching a Girl

You’re walking down the street, and out of the corner of your eye, you see her.

She’s got style, beauty, and a smile that would make Rachel McAdams blush…

You ignore the excuses that pop into your head, like “She probably has a boyfriend,” “She looks like she’s in a rush,” etc.…

…And you work up the nerve to approach her

“Hey, I saw you walking past and you caught my eye. I had to stop you and say ‘hi’. I’m Dave.”

“Oh, thank you. I’m Ana.”

She doesn’t seem super excited – instead, just a little confused and surprised.

At that moment, you feel an intense pang of awkwardness. Your legs are shaking with a bit out of nervousness, and it seems like she feels awkward too.

You have the sudden urge to end the conversation and walk away. At least that way, you can escape with some dignity. Plus, you won’t have to feel this uncomfortable moment any longer.

What do you do in this situation?

If you’re like most guys, you either 1) end the conversation and walk away or 2) snap into interview mode, start talking fast, and completely kill the flirtatious vibe of the conversation.

It doesn’t have to be this way though. There are ways you can work through the initial awkwardness after approaching a girl, have a good interaction, and connect with her.

How?

That’s what this post is all about.

Let’s dive in!

The 10-Second Rule

Most of the awkwardness of the conversation will be at the beginning. Specifically, within the first few seconds.

That’s typically because of you are nervous. For her, she’s probably not in this situation very often. And for you, you’re talking to a pretty girl so there are bound to be some nerves.

That’s where the “10-second rule” comes into play.

It comes down to this: the moment you feel awkward, stay in the conversation for 10 more seconds.

Whether it’s at the beginning of the interaction (which it usually is) or further along – just get through the 10 seconds of awkwardness without walking away.

What you’ll often find is that the awkwardness was either in your head, or that it wasn’t all that big of a deal anyway.

Once you get through that 10 seconds of awkwardness, it becomes much easier to connect with her and continue the conversation.

Plus, you won’t abandon opportunities where you could have grabbed a beautiful girl’s number and set up a date!

Re-frame Your Nervousness

The way you feel about your nervousness also contributes to the awkwardness. You see, it’s normal to be nervous when you approach a girl. Even now sometimes I get some little nervous shakes when I do it.

The problem is, most guys look at nervousness as a bad thing. They’re afraid the girl will pick up on their nervousness and reject them and/or see them as unconfident.

Can you relate to this? It becomes a vicious cycle, where you lose focus on the girl and the conversation, and instead focus on whether or not she can tell you’re nervous.

Awkwardness ensues.

The key is, you must reframe your nervousness, so that you see nervousness as a good thing instead of a bad thing.

In reality, it’s usually just a sign that you’re attracted to her.

So, how do you reframe it?

Instead of thinking, “Oh damn, I’m so nervous right now,” think, “Okay, I’m just attracted to her and that’s alright. This is necessary for building chemistry and connecting with her.

By doing this, you will be more at peace with your nervous feeling – more willing to embrace it instead of beating yourself up over it.

This will allow you to be in the moment and communicate with the girl with a sense of presence. She’ll be able to feel that you’re actually there with her in the conversation (instead of in “lala land” worrying about your nervousness).

Sidenote: it really doesn’t matter if you’re nervous when approaching a woman. In fact, it shows even more confidence and boldness. She’s thinking, “Wow, this guy is nervous, but he’s not letting that stop him from going for what he wants.” You should never be ashamed of living through your own intentions and going for what you want in life.

Slow It Down

At the beginning of the interaction, your tendency might be to speed things up. You start talking and moving faster, because you feel like you need to get it all out there before she walks away.

The result? She won’t fully understand what you’re saying, and you’ll come off as very unconfident and insecure.

Again, this makes thing awkward.

Instead, you should aim to communicate with a sexy vibe .

A big part of that is to talk and move slower.

When you talk and move slower, you captivate people and especially women. They hang on your words and actions, anticipating what you’re going to do next.

(Compare this to the guy who starts speeding through “interview mode” questions whenever there is a pause in the conversation.)

So, talk slower than you think you should be talking, and then talk even slower. Experiment with it a bit and notice how women’s reactions change.

Have Conversation “Nuggets” in Your Back Pocket

Once you ask the usual “What are you up to?” question, what do you say next? Does your mind draw a blank? For most guys, this is the case.

The awkward “I should probably walk away now,” feeling starts to set in. But again, it doesn’t have to be this way.

That’s why it’s good to have some conversation “nuggets” in your back pocket.

And by “nuggets”, I mean things like assumptive statements. With these statements, you simply make a guess about 1) where she’s from 2) what she does for work or 3) what type of person she is.

It doesn’t matter if your guesses are right or wrong – either way, they make the conversation more fun.

Here are a few examples you can use:

  •      “You seem like you’re from the Midwest.”
  •      “You seem like you do something very creative.”
  •      “You seem like a fun, adventurous kind of girl.”

These statements are a quick way to transition from a moment of awkwardness to a moment of connection.

***

There you have it. After you approach a girl, some initial awkwardness is okay – even expected. But it shouldn’t cause you to walk away or ruin the interaction.

Instead, you can use these tips to get through the initial awkwardness and connect with women.

Give. Love. Serve.

Social skills are skills – so you need to practice them

Think of the most confident man you know. Your dad, that friend from high school, Henry Cavill, you name it. You probably imagine that they were born with social skills, and they’re naturally outgoing and confident. But what if they’re not? Mr. Superman himself, Henry Cavill, was actually bullied because of his weight as a kid and opened up in many interviews about how that affected his confidence (we’ll come back to opening up later). 

 Social skills are just that, skills. They’re not something magically bestowed upon you. So, in the same way that you learn a new language, you can teach yourself to do better in social situations. Sure, some people have a natural knack for it and learn faster than others, but, with practice, you’ll get better at approaching and talking to women.

Starting a conversation with a woman based on the idea that you’ll date her is generally more complicated and requires more confidence, so don’t go there if you’re not ready yet. Instead, approach the girl you like as if you want to be her friend. This gives you the opportunity to engage in casual conversation, break the ice, and get rid of that initial awkwardness. If you tend to freeze when a girl approaches you or run out of ideas on first dates, thinking of a set of topics in advance can work as a good back-up.

Again, don’t expect the change to happen overnight. Many times, social awkwardness comes from the fear of embarrassing yourself in public, so you need to face that fear repeatedly. Go out, meet people, hang out with your friends more, start conversations with girls you don’t usually talk to. Put yourself in situations that take you farther and farther outside your comfort zone, and you’ll get better at socializing without realizing it.

Watch your body language.

Did you ever walk out of a date completely disappointed because even if you said the right things, somehow things were still awkward? That may have been your body language betraying you.

Although scientists disagree on the exact percentage of body language in communication, the consensus is that our interlocutors also pick up other social cues apart from our words. Without realizing it, body language can send the wrong message and make women uncomfortable. Here are some negative examples of body language:

· Avoiding eye contact or holding it for too long

· Fidgeting with your arms or not moving them at all

· Touching your face repeatedly

· Twitching your nose

· Blinking too fast

· Keeping your shoulders turned inwards

· Crossing your arms across your chest

· Biting your nails

· Rubbing your palms together

· Jiggling your feet impatiently

· Looking at the ground

· Picking at your skin or clothes

You can have the best pick-up line ever. If you say it while doing any of the above, you’ll come across as stressed, nervous, uncomfortable, even downright hostile. Even if these gestures are involuntary, by becoming more aware of them, you can learn to control them and then consciously replace them with these positive ones:

· Maintain eye contact, but without staring

· Relax your shoulders and lean inwards to show that you’re actively interested

· Keep your palms facing forward to suggest openness (Charisma on Command have a great video on how Sadhguru does this)

· Show empathy when you listen by smiling or nodding your head

The great thing about having good posture and adopting a positive body language is that your mind will start to respond to what your body is doing. By sitting in a position that suggests you’re comfortable and relaxed, you will begin to feel more comfortable and relaxed.

Most of the time, you can stop yourself from being overly awkward just by slowing down, breathing, and not letting your instincts take over. Instead of freezing and allowing your usual pattern to take over, adjust your body language to exit that fearful pattern.

You can turn awkwardness into charisma.

Once you start accepting yourself, you’ll understand that being socially awkward or shy isn’t a weakness or bad personality trait. This may sound counterproductive, but by accepting awkwardness and allowing yourself to be vulnerable, you can actually project self-confidence. Why? Because you’re honest and genuine, and many women prefer talking to a shy guy than an overly confident one that may come across as arrogant.

Many men avoid talking to women because they fear they’ll embarrass themselves or end up in a cringy social situation. But it’s not the social situation that makes you awkward; it’s how you respond to it. No one is perfect at socializing. Everyone makes mistakes and screws up sometimes. One of the biggest misconceptions you can have a socially awkward person is assuming that all your confident friends find dating women incredibly easy, and they never have a bad day. Everyone was stuck in an awkwardly silent conversation at one point or forgot someone’s name. The trick isn’t to fear embarrassing situations and avoid them; it’s knowing how to deal with them when they happen.

Say you’re in a restaurant on one of your first dates, and you accidentally spilled a glass of wine because you were nervous. That’s what most people perceive as an awkward situation.

However, it will only ruin your night if you let it. If your reaction is to raise your voice, get all agitated, and start stammering, then your date will begin to feel uncomfortable too. However, if you treat the situation calmly, apologize, maybe even make a joke, spilling that glass of wine in public can become a funny memory.

Socially awkward, a bit weirdo, or completely ‘ordinary dude’ (if they exist??) – whatever reason, some of us are just Single Professionals. But they not necessarily want to be like that…


6 Tips for Dating When You’re a Single Professional

Especially in 2021, in the middle of a pandemic, you can’t wait to get out again and start mingling with potential love interests. You were single and ready to mingle before the stay at home was put in place, and you’re ready to resume your old life when it lifts again.

Were there some things holding you back from making the most of your single life as a professional? If so, you might want to spend this time thinking about what you want to change, so that you can make the most of dating on the other side. Let’s talk about four tips for dating as a single professional.

1. Create a space for inviting a quality person to your life

For the right person, your clean good vibes matter more than look, money or social status. Who you attract and who you feel yourself attracted to reflect the mental and general life condition you are in.

Do you want to attract a kind, loving, inspiring person? Become one yourself.

In order to invite ‘the right person’ to your life, work on yourself first. Creating mental space and finding a peace of mind is a lifelong journey, but setting it as a priority to become the best, joyful version of yourself is the best start.

Ask yourself honestly:

  • What is the best in you can bring to the relationship?
  • What are the qualities you could work on?

If you don’t change the behavioural patterns which drive your actions you won’t evolve as well. Sometimes just a few mindset tweaks are needed, sometimes a professional psychotheraphy to make peace with your past. Whatever it takes, your peace of mind is priceless!

Do you treat what happens to you with joy and gratitude? Or rather you tend to complain all the time or hide yourself behind a bitter sarcasm or overworking?

Each, even the tiniest life situation can be a challenge to become a more genuinely likeable, kind and confident person you want to be. Use that opportunity and pay attention to how you response to everyday situation.

Are you grateful about your life and seeing a beauty in it? How otherwise you will be able to see the true beauty of the soul and life with another person?

Keep high quality interactions with people and don’t be afraid to cut out contact with people with whom interactions don’t bring you joy.

Physical space maters to, as it influences how we feel from the moment we wake up. How you’re living and “setting the stage” for the love you want.

You don’t need luxury, but certainly you need a tidy space with good vibes. Changing yourself can start from changing your surrounding. Try to always be around things you consider beautiful, soothing and comfortable to raise your vibes.

2. Make a list of what is important to you in your partner

Spend some time asking yourself about the person you want to share your life should be. And more importantly, how they should make you feel.

It’s worth making a physical list of what is crucial for you in your partner. Don’t be afraid to be specific and precise.

3. Commit to an Official Date

With the latest online dating phenomenon, it’s pretty easy to meet up with someone in an all-too-casual setting for a drink or a bite to eat. While this might sound like your idea of a good time, unfortunately, without a right respectful mindset towards the other person and yourself, it won’t take you too far if you’re looking for love.

If you want to take your single life seriously and date properly, try committing to proper dates. Remember, it’s all about quality over quantity – make each one of those dates counts. At the end of the day, the more you put into it, the more you’ll get out. If you want to find the right person, make sure you’re giving each date a chance to be that.

There is someone matching for everyone, even when you are most unique and socially awkward you can still find a great partner for yourself.

4. Get Regular Checkups

When you’re single and having a good time, you need to remember to check in with your sexual health now and then. While your dates so far might have come across as professional and incapable of giving you anything except for a good time, at the end of the day, it’s your responsibility to take care of what’s down there.

If you’re wondering about STD testing cost and what it’s going to take to get a clean bill of health, do a bit of research online to set up your next health care checkup.

5. Consider Trying a Dating Agency

We’ve moved on from Tinder and onto professional dating websites where your date is just as serious about seeing you as you are. However, sometimes this doesn’t quite do it, and you’re left wondering if you’ll ever find the one.

This is when you can think about joining a dating agency. There are also professional matchmakers out there, who can make sure you’re getting a lot out of your single life while staying on the right track.

Dating as a single professional isn’t easy – especially right now, while we’re all stuck at home. However, once this all blows over, you’ll be able to venture out again, armed with a new set of tricks to make it as worthwhile as possible.

About the author Patrick Banks

Patrick is a Berlin-based dating advisor, motivational speaker, a huge fitness and vegan diet enthusiast and the main editor at Wingman Magazine, specialised in men's health. His ultimate goal is to share with men around the world his passion for self-development and to help them to become the greatest version of themselves. He believes a healthy body and successful social interactions are two main keys to happiness.